About a week ago, someone on Twitter asked “Why do no fine restaurants serve turkey as a meal?” I naturally responded, “Clearly, they are part of a freemason conspiracy to prevent people from eating turkey because it disrupts their mind control waves.”

Got a few likes on that. Yeah, it’s funny, but lately, I’ve been thinking. I mean, it’s bullshit. That’s right, horsehockey. Restaurants serve turkey on sandwiches and as complete birds on golden plates if you come on Thanksgiving or Christmas. Go to Subway. Go to Jimmy Johns. Sit down at a restaurant and ask for a turkey club. You’ll get it.

Then, go to a grocery store. Turkey is everywhere. Butterballs. Sliced thin deli meats. They’re even turning out ground turkey these days. Whoever eats that stuff should be put in a mental asylum, but it’s there.

Who likes it? I mean, other than the Dad in the Christmas story. Sure, turkey is good when it’s deep-fried, but so is everything else. Pickles. Twinkies. Zucchini. Carrots. Everything tastes better deep-fried. Based on what I’ve heard, some people in Scotland even stomach Mars Bars that way.

The Powers that Be aren’t hiding turkey from us, they’re pushing it on us. The only thing I can’t figure out is why. What’s that you say? Maybe turkey is a filling meat, easily reproducible, which is so bland that, much like vanilla, no one will really object to it? Sure, that’s what they want you to think. Who are “they?” Oh, come on. They. The Illuminati. The Bilderbergers. The Elks Club. The people really running the show. Why these shadowy globalists, by which I mean people who use globes rather than maps and not a veiled reference to Jews, are forcing this bland bird meat down our throats, I cannot fathom.

So I’ll make something up. I know two things about turkey: everything I’ve said so far and that Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be America’s official bird, not the bald eagle. This supposedly had to do with the fact that the turkey is a farm animal representing hard work and prudence while the bald eagle is a lazy scavenger. There you go. I blame Benjamin Franklin.

Not alone, but he was a Freemason. And he did help create the current federal government with the whole writing the Constitution thing. I’ll blame them. Particularly the ones with the funny hats. Yes, the Freemasons and the Federal government have forced turkey on us to control us. It’s MKULTRA 2.0. How do I know that turkey causes mind control? Once again, why else would people eat it?

Of course, there was this one guy. Who I met. At a bar. And is not made up. He told me that the federal government started promoting turkey in the 1960s around the same time they killed all the birds. The flying birds that is, not the turkeys. Flightless birds can’t be replaced with cameras. Check that out here. https://birdsarentreal.com/ They injected the turkeys with LSD as part of their mind control experiments. Because as we all know, the main thing LSD does to users, is make them want to go to sleep. It has nothing to do with tryptophan y’all.

Now, this guy I’m telling you about: I never got his name. Two men in black suits swooped in while we were making boilermakers and took the guy away. That’s the federal government for you. They are so omnicompetent, any attempt to squeal on the numerous conspiracies against the public they run: like the time the world ended and they force us all onto ships, blasted us all into space, and then tried to hypnotize the stupider among us to forget it. You don’t remember that. Well, the hypnotism worked. The government always knows what they’re doing and they’re perfect at it. They wanted you to think there were no WMDs in Iraq because it made them all look so stupid, you would never believe how smart they were.

You might say “Jack, listen to yourself. The federal government isn’t that competent. Haven’t you ever dealt with the post office?” or “I think you’ve made a big logical stretch saying that because people get sleepy after eating too much that turkey has LSD in it.” or “What do the Freemasons have to do with this? You never explained that. This is just silly.” To which I say, you’ve missed the point. Of course, it makes no sense. If it made sense, the sheeple would figure it out rather quickly, wouldn’t they? Yeah, it would be reported in the news and written down in history books. Everyone would believe in it, not just me. I wouldn’t be special.

That’s how I know it’s true. It’s true because I believe it. I’m special. I’m certainly not a failed attorney, sitting on his couch, pounding away on a keyboard in hope that someone will care about me more than the people I actually deal with in real life. I’m special. I matter. I’m important. I am.

So that is why turkey is evil. Also, buy my book. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLSVRZN5