I am happy to present to you my predictions for the year 2023! Please note that these predictions are guaranteed to be 100% wrong (God, I hope so.)

January

Georgia cruises to its second consecutive national championship, beating TCU 56-3. Players on the TCU bench migrate over to Georgia’s sideline in order to avoid being put in the game as the Horned Frogs are beaten so badly, several of them are declared sterile after the game. In an unrelated matter, after missing the playoffs this season, Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban summons Satan and demands that his soul be refunded to him.

In international news, as the war in Ukraine approaches its first year anniversary, Russian President Vladimir Putin admits that the war hasn’t gone as planned, but asserts that he expects imminent victory as he has appointed “General Winter.” Putin and his Cabinet enjoy a Dr. Evil-like laugh session until one of Putin’s aides tells him that General Winter was assassinated by Ukrainian sharpshooters when getting too close to the front line.

February

In a massive upset, the Cincinnati Bengals defeat the Philadelphia Eagles to win Super Bowl LVII. Starting QB Joe Burrows proclaims he’s going to Disney World before the fabric of the universe tears apart and swallows the entire stadium whole.

In entertainment news, James Gunn announces that in his new DCEU, Superman will be played by Jim Parsons of the Big Bang Theory, the Flash is really just a nudist who can run a four-minute mile, the main villain is the Penny Pincher, and each movie will be at least 95% CGI. After an ensuing riot, Warner Brothers announces that Gunn will also be put in charge of the next fifteen Harry Potter movies and the planned Tom Bombadil trilogy to begin in August 2024.

March

March begins with one last winter flurry, knocking power out for the entire state of Texas. As the state struggles to bring its independent power grid online, Elon Musk suggests that they drill a hole to the Earth’s mantle and unleash a flood of magma to melt the ice. When the state government turns Musk down on the basis that this would destroy all plant and animal life in the state, Musk tries to buy all the land in Texas. However, Musk is denied credit as after running Twitter for six months, he now lives in a cardboard box on the streets of Houston and babbles endlessly about “terrorism coordinates.”

Pope Francis dies suddenly in his sleep. After a one-week enclave, the cardinals elect Tobias Forge, founder and lead singer of the heavy metal band Ghost, as the new pontiff. Dedicating his reign to Lucifer, Forge pledges to be the worst pope in world history or at least the worst pope since Alexander V.

April

In a run that would make Cinderella blush, the Arkansas Razorbacks make it to the NCAA Championship Game…where they lose by one point when Davonte Davis bricks a three-point shot so badly, it flies into the other basket at the opposite end of the court. Statisticians claim this is one of the least likely events since the Big Bang, yet Arkansas Razorback fans merely shrug their shoulders and say “them’s the breaks.”

The race for the Republican Presidential Nomination for 2024 heats up as Ye West throws his hat in the ring, as he abandons MAGA to forge his own cult of personality. Media commentators are stunned as the platinum-album performer cobbles together a weird coalition of rap fans, neo-nazis, and the clinically insane. As he watches his own supporters abandon him in favor of Yeezus, Donald Trump endorses QAnon and accuses Ye of being a tool of the international Satanic child-molesting conspiracy. In response, Ye appears on Alex Jones’ show with a twelve-year-old prostitute and says “I Like Satan.” His favorability among Republican primary voters goes up by two points.

May

West Virginia Attorney and aspiring author Jack Willems and his wife Rachel welcome their second child into the world. At the same time, Jack’s first novel, Beer Run, available on Amazon, becomes a New York Times Best Seller, propelling Jack to instant stardom! (Okay, maybe I do wish this happens)

Elsewhere in the world, protests in Iran enter their ninth month. Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei announces a new concession that women will no longer be beaten to death for failing to properly cover their hair but will instead be given a quick clean death by gunshot. The protestors respond by walking down Pasteur Street in bikinis.

June

President Biden’s aides walk into the Oval Office to find the President hunched over his desk, having apparently died from natural causes in the middle of the night. The staff of the White House quickly call Chief Justice Roberts to administer the Oath of Office to President Biden’s corpse. The White House Press Secretary immediately calls a press briefing to assure the American Public that President Biden, while no longer breathing, is still in charge and will run for president in 2024 as the best morticians in America are working to preserve his body. She cannot confirm reports of Vice-President Kamala Harris banging her head against the wall of the Eisenhower Executive Building.

In China, with COVID infections reaching new highs and the Chinese economy buckling under the pressure of increasing debt and an aging population, President Xi Xiping makes a nationwide address on June 5 to remind everyone that nothing happened on this day in 1989. “I just wanted to remind you all that the CCP knows what it’s doing and certainly doesn’t view you all as expendable,” President Xiping said. “Some people might look at our actions and assume we’re purposely trying to piss you all off. However, these people just don’t understand. We’re playing 4-D Underwater Chess here. Your rulers are very competent and deeply concerned for your welfare. Make China Great Again!”

July

Audiences flock to movie theaters to see this year’s Summer Blockbuster: X-Men Infinity: Rise of the Reboot. Breaking Avatar’s record for the highest-grossing movie of all time, audiences describe it as “Okay” and “mildly entertaining.” Hugh Jackman reprises his role as Wolverine, yet again, though Hollywood magic must be used to digitally remove his walker from each scene. Meanwhile, an unreleased Hayao Miyazaki film is discovered in the vaults of Studio Ghibli, which when screened in America, makes animation enthusiasts weep tears of joy. It fails to survive the opening week.

Having finally found a way to completely stretch out the NBA season to July, the league championship is finally awarded to the Memphis Grizzlies. Head Coach Taylor Jenkins credited the team’s victory to solid defense, his coaching staff, and a well-placed bribe to Commissioner Adam Silver.

August

Temperatures rise to 110 degrees in southern states as the U.S. faces one of its hottest summers on record. As construction workers and returning football players die from heat exhaustion, several localities consider letting people go outside in the buff to relieve the effect of the sweltering weather. Not any of the places like Texas or LA mind you. We’re talking Minneapolis and Milwaukee where it never got above 90 degrees. They just don’t know how to deal with the heat.

Sam Bankman-Fried pleads guilty to fraud, along with everyone else at FTX who worked with or for him, everyone at Alameda who lent FTX money, everyone who ever invented a cryptocurrency or NFT, anyone who ever trading cryptocurrency or NFTs, and anyone involved in the creation of the internet, and anyone who owned a digital anything anywhere.

September

As students head back to school, a new report from the Department of Education finds that Americans are increasingly falling behind other nations in all major subject areas such as math, science, and whether you can talk and write good. Standardized test scores show the USA has fallen behind Uganda, though that might be due to putting the results in alphabetical order. President Biden vows, once someone lifts his arm up and moves his mouth, to redouble the national effort to improve our public schools.

Meanwhile, the competition for the Republican nomination entered a new phase with the beginning of debates. With no fewer than 53 candidates splitting the vote, Ye and Donald Trump take the lead with five percent and four percent respectively. Fox News commentators are split on Ye, as on one hand, he is certifiably insane, and on the other hand, he is currently ahead and they know how their bread is buttered.

October

The New York Yankees win the World Series, as their bizarre strategy of spending billions on getting the best players in the game breaks through. They then rename the team to the New York Wildcats, the blandest name imaginable, in order to placate a group of Red Sox fans who find the word Yankee (originally a term for New Englander) to be extremely offensive.

An ancient group of Pagans come together on Halloween at Stonehenge to celebrate Samhain with the sacrifice of children and succeed in the resurrection of the Old Ones, plunging the Earth into a thousand years of darkness. No one can really tell the difference, however, so life goes on as usual.

November

Feeling left behind with all these protests, Kim Jong-Un arranges for a protest against himself and then has the protestors shot just for the Hell of it. He then blames both the protests and his executions on South Korean capitalists, Japanese Imperialism, and the U.S. The party praises Dear Leader for his far-sighted vision.

Pastor David Portenoy of the Jesus Kiss Me Church predicts the End of the World will occur on November 29, 2023. The day comes and goes without anything happening. When asked about his prediction, Portenoy explains that the world has ended, spiritually, but it will end physically next May. He then takes his ministry’s entire trust fund and migrates to Bermuda, where he will spend the rest of his life.

December

With a plurality of three percent following the addition of another 44 different candidates, Ye West takes the Iowa caucuses. This is in spite of massive headwinds from Republican voters who polls say find Ye racist and also, black. Donald Trump pledges to fight on to New Hampshire, where he is currently polling in first place at two percent of the vote.

On the Democratic side, the desiccated corpse of Joe Biden defeated his former Vice-President Kamala Harris. Harris’s dark horse candidacy, with the famous slogan, “At least I’m alive” failed to gain ground against Biden’s campaign. “He hasn’t explained how he can continue to be commander-in-chief in his condition,” Harris complains. “He can’t talk at all. He’s been dead for six months. “

Those are my predictions for 2023.