I have decided to take a break from posting parts of Pandemonium’s history to cover the most watched event: the Superbowl Commercials.

I missed the first five minutes of the “game” which means that I probably missed the first commercial break. Damn my responsibilities as a father putting my son to bed!

My review therefore begins with the Indiana Jones Trailer, which genuinely feels like Harrison Ford’s desicated corpse is being drug out the back of a train. This is followed by the E-Trade baby commercial, which is another example of an American Icon, past its prime, being trotted out for another trip to the well. Then, I think there was this thing with Serena Williams giving a half-time speech to a group of people for…something.

Second Break: T-Mobile commercial with Bradley Cooper and his mother. They advertised this ahead of time. It reminds me of that commercial where they had a bunch of people just jack around on camera for two minutes and admitted they blew millions of dollars. “What are you going to do with your money?”

Alicia Silverstone still exists, apparently. Bass Pro Shop commercial is boring, but effective. Ben Stiller talks to us about reality and then drinks a Pepsi, says we have to try it to see if he was acting. We’ve all had a Pepsi, Ben. We know you can act.

Third Break: Clothing commercial. There’s an app for clothing now. Do we need an app for that? I guess we have an app for everything. Paramount ad with Sly Stallone. Don’t think that is new. Caddyshack parody for Michelob Ultra, which is also not new. What is this that they are playing old material already.

Flash Trailer: Worth it just to see Michael Keaton and hear him say those words. Movie looks like a video game. Christian ad is cute. That’s it. Squarespace commercial: just no impact. Animal Control commercial–I didn’t download access to Fox in any form until tonight and I did it just to watch the game. I don’t have cable anymore as a millennial. What’s the point? There was also this 10-second cooking show commercial. Too short to bother with.

Fifth Break: Now they are doing this “real” thing with Steve Martin. We know he can act. You don’t have to pretend to like Pepsi to prove that point. New glucose monitor with a Jonas brother. Too obvious. He’s a diabetes icon. Obviously. I guess it is plausible at this point that Netflix would give a series to golf. Wait…It’s real? Electric Vehicle commercial for a car company other than Tesla. You know the thing about these other electric cars? You hear about them once a year and never see them. Like Santa Clause.

Sixth Break: “Diddy don’t do jingles!” Snicker…snort…guffah. At last, a commercial that makes me laugh. Nice one, Diddy. See you at the next Budweiser commercial shoot.

America manufactures more goods in terms of economic value then it did 50 years ago, by a very large multiplier. When they say our manufacturing has declined, they mean as a percentage of our population employed in that industry when compared to other countries. In terms of the amount of goods, measured by economic value, we are still second to only China. American labor is comparatively expensive, but the work is generally high quality. That’s why America is the place you manufacture things like passenger jets and solar panels, but not plastic action figures you see at the store. It’s a trade-off, like everything else in economics. If you want quality work, you have to pay for it. And you generally don’t need quality work to make stupid nick-nacks. There are lots of factories in America guys.

Is the dancing idiot the tax expert? Then the answer is no, Turbotax, no.

Seventh Break: Iphone commercial where they take people out of the picture. I’ve heard some people theorize that capitalism has gotten so efficient that it might actually achieve the desired results of communism, but I don’t think this is what they were talking about. Maya commercial-Okay, that was funny. They kept us on a string on that one. Really had a lot of people in the media seriously reporting that they were ditching the M&M’s. Sure, they would. Downy McBride-ehh, that was okay. This was probably the best commercial break.

Eighth Break-Dancing animals on a safari. Might be effective if they were advertising speakers, but I don’t see how the car is making the animals dance. Oh, it’s another electric car commercial. Figures. Hamm and Brie–Ehh, play on names. Pringles commercial–this is actually a fun premise, because who hasn’t had this happen to them. Heineken commercial–this is another old commercial. They pre-aired a bunch of these.

Ninth Break–Doritos commercial with the triangle–all I have to say that I had heard the British economy was in trouble, but man, the pound is replaced by a grade school instrument. That’s tough. Miller Time v. Coors–ends in Blue Moon–actually a good beer commercial. At least AmBev is making fun of itself. Now get Budweiser in there. Maybe do a pod people sketch. Cute dog commercial-can’t remember what it was about.

Tenth Break-USFL Commercial–I wonder how many people remember why the old league died. Trump convinced them to move to the fall and compete against the NFL. Didn’t work out well for them. If they stuck with spring football, it could have worked. Big New Yorker Commercial-I had a teacher in high school from NYC who loved those. Never saw the attraction. Don’t know why you would want one the size of a basketball court. Tax commercial-getting to be a lot of those. These are really quick. I’m having problems keeping up. Fox keeps promoting itself a lot. Could they not find outside advertisers?

Eleventh Break: Another ad for a Fox show. This is for Farmer’s Wife. Then there’s Animal Control again. The Daytona 500, which is on Fox. Gutfeld’s show on Fox News. Is that a separate company now or not? I think Disney bought the Fox network, but not the News Channel.

Twelfth Break: Trojan Horse Commercial-actually not bad for a company that’s probably a scam. An actual trojan horse metaphor for an anti-virus commercial. Creed III–I’ve only seen two of the Rockies.

Halftime-I’ve got to say, I’ve been disappointed so far. These commercials have been duds. Fox keeps advertising itself. Pepsi’s campaign is a dud because it doesn’t answer the basic question: why aren’t you Coke? The one beer commercial I’ve seen was fun, but it didn’t really measure up to the glory years of the Budweiser-Miller rivalry where Budweiser made up for their generic piss water with whip smart commercials. Now that they are the same company, I feel like the commercial space has lost something invaluable: the image of the Coyote chasing the Roadrunner. Someone bring back the smartass lizards.

Edit: Okay, catching up on the commercials I missed. The Pop Corners commercial was pretty fun, I have to admit, but I don’t think getting the Breaking Bad crew back together is quite the accomplishment people think it is. Seems like these people will get back together for anything. I don’t get the praise for Ben Affleck’s Dunkin Donuts commercial though. If someone at Dunkin Donuts tried to argue without you about your order, would you think he was being friendly or rude?

Thirteenth Break: Flag Football Ad-NFL congratulates itself for being progressive while veterans with CTE shoot themselves in the chest so their brains can be studied.

Fourteenth Break: Big Bunny drags people out of their seats and kicks them down a whole covered with screens-ad for Tubi-like we don’t have enough screen in our lives. Meta ad–everything about Meta proves that Mark Zuckerman is a space alien. Medicine ad. Enough said. Petsmart and Purina-any pet commercials during the Superbowl are going to remind us all of Pets.com. Do you really want to do that? Cruise commercial. Enough said. Daytona shows up again.

Fifteenth Break: Trailer for Air: I guess its interesting that these people at Nike could see Michael Jordan was special but Portland couldn’t, but I never get the suspense surrounding movies concerning a business strategy, even if it is innovative. Same way I felt about MoneyBall. DoorDash ad I can’t remember. Now they are repeating ads. Doesn’t Gordon Ramsay have enough shows. Fanduel ad where Gronkowski tries to kick a field goal–were you supposed to bet against him?

Sixteenth Break: Pop Corners ad. Again, not bad. Bud Light Ad where the husband dances to the waiting tone. I feel like AmBev has actually accepted what they are: we are the holding music of beer. That’s who we are. I guess you should own up to it. Everything else is a repeat. These guys didn’t get as many ad buys as I remember.

Seventeenth Break: Kia Commercial about forgetting the binkie: (Best Robot Chicken Nerd Impression) This situation is not humorous! It is painful and humiliating as anyone who has been through it can tell you! Crown Royal promotes itself by reminding you it comes from Canada, so it must be boring. Mr. Peanut’s roast–if you have to give me a QR code, you failed. I’m not going on the internet to watch the rest of an ad. Also, thanks for reminding me where M&Ms got that idea.

Eighteenth Break: Another NFL self-promo, followed by a Fox self-promotion. Are these people having problems selling ad space? Old Taylor Swift commercial. They can’t even fill up the game with new commercials. What made the people who make Oikos yogurt say to themselves: “Deion Sanders. That’s our target demographic!” Ring commercial. Eh. Another Animal Control promotion.

Nineteenth Break: Another commercial. Another cute dog. Who tears up the house. And they get another house. Gosh, that was the cutest commercial for the biggest soulless corporation I can remember. Old rockstars come together to help promote new workplace HR system or something. There is this pattern in American life where things go from threatening to tolerated to accepted to tame to practically conservative. In the 1950s, rock and roll was a menace to society. Now, I’ve seen it used to advertise baby shampoo and now, HR systems.

Twentieth Break: Disney commercial–Nostalgia. More nostalgia. Yes, Disney, you exist, and you are big. Premature electrification–actually one of the better commercials, yet it’s showing in the fourth quarter. Subtle. You didn’t know it was a car commercial until the end. Kind of snook in there.

Twenty-First Break-The Busch Guide-that made me snicker a little. Poking fun at Sarah MacLachlan is fun, though a little random. Poker Face promotion–still not really interested in this show. Booking.com-musical number-pretty forgettable. Accused–the most eye-catching thing about that was a Swastika in a barn. On Fox, explosions are both expected and boring.

Twenty-Second Break-Black and white photos of people yelling at each other in 2020. Jesus gets us. Really? How do those photos show us that? Wouldn’t we have to get Jesus’s reaction to all this? Another Animal Control promo. They really believe in this show!

Twenty-Third Break: T-Mobile commercial with John Travolta-this is another old ad. Sketchers add with Snoop-Dog-it’s funny seeing Tony Romo getting tackled by eight-year-olds and launching a receiver in the air. He might be able to win a playoff game in this league. More Fox promos.

Superbowl Commercials Over: I would give this year a D. Even the better moments were either a little weak or unintentional. This is truly a letdown compared to years past. Mean Joe Greene. 1984. The Magic Fridge. Now we settle for M&Ms redoing jokes that Mr. Peanut did years ago, and they weren’t that great then. This is sad. What have we come to America?

P.S. By the way, there was this game playing in the background. It was apparently pretty good. “Down to the wire” some are saying. Jesus, why can’t we get our priorities right?