Hello, everyone. As you know, I’ve been shopping my full-length novel, Christmas in Pandemonium, around independent publishers after striking out with literary agents. I’ve sent out a few queries. Feeling around.

One thing has occurred to me: I should start my own independent publishing company. No, I don’t mean self-publishing. This is traditional publishing, but I’m publishing my own work first. I guess you could call it self-publishing, but if you did, I would sue you for defamation because that is a slander against my resume as a writer.

Will I publish other people’s works? Of course, but I am only accepting submissions during certain open submission windows. The last open submission window was this morning between 1 am and 1:05 am. The response was so overwhelming, I don’t think we’ll have another open response window for the next fifty years or so. It might take me half that long to publish all the very worthy manuscripts I received. Maybe I should hire some people to help me, but I am dedicated to maintaining a small, boutique press.

I really do think you will like some of the work we are putting out. When I made my first call for submissions, I expected to receive a bunch of poorly constructed, trite novels based on cliched premises with spelling and grammatical errors up and down the first page, and not just because I was mainly publishing my own work. However, I’ve was surprised to find finely edited masterpieces that introduced brand new ideas never before used in the history of literature while dealing with deep themes about man’s relationship with nature, God, and his fellow man. I rejected most of those ideas, however, as they did fit into the subgenre I was looking for: novels about transgender space aliens who enter into chess tournaments to win enough money to buy diamond studded mud flaps for their spaceships.

The selections I put out will no doubt be best sellers whenever it is that I get them out. That theoretically could be never, as I don’t have much time in between a full-time job as an attorney, raising a family, and working on my own books. As I told the lucky few authors I have accepted, expect to get an edited version of your work some time in between now and the heat death of the universe.

Now, you may doubt my dedication to the publishing business. This is rational, as a I have none. Much like Homer Simpson when he started that web site in the late 90s, I’m really just hoping to get bought out, though hopefully this won’t end with Bill Gates trashing my house. If I cause enough of a stink, maybe Penguin Books will pay me $5 million to shut the hell up. It may help if I may the company’s web site so cryptic, no one will be able to determine who am I, where the company is located, or what books we actually publish, if any. Maybe I should ask Billy McFarland on some tips as to how to raise publicity for a complete non-event. After he gets out of prison, of course.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have the talent, the drive, the money, or the hutzpah to start a legitimate publishing company. I should start a vanity publishing company and take people’s money to “publish” their books through Amazon, like, you know, a pyramid scheme.

What’s that? Maybe I should try to make money the “honest” way? We’ll, I’ve got to admit. That thought had not occurred to me. No, really, that’s the first time someone suggested that to me in my entire life. I was raised by coyotes. Huh. Maybe. In the meantime, check out Solstice Publishing, who published my novella, Beer Run. Their website is available here: https://solsticeempire.com/