If you’ve ever attempted to sell a book, chances are, you’ve had to do some mandatory five-star reviews. For everyone who’s had to fake enthusiasm for a less than stellar novel, this post is for you.

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Born Outlaw deserves five stars. No, it isn’t well written. Nor is it really about anything that is that interesting. But it is the life story of an average man who raised a family of five in Middle America, and how can you not approve of that?

When I say it’s his life story, David Putnam, the author of this story, has put every detail conceivable into this 500-page novel. You’ll hear about the third-grade teacher he still doesn’t like, how he met his fourth girlfriend during a sorority mixer, that rash on his crotch that won’t go away, and even the details of getting the novel published. It’s a long story about a man’s career and family that begins with him dropping out of college to pursue other opportunities in the financial industry, though some might quibble with Putnam’s description of working for a horse betting ring as joining the financial industry. Putnam takes us through the ups and downs of his career from bars to betting parlors to being the security guard at a bank to owning his own chain of liquor stores. Putnam remarks that he likes selling alcohol better than working in banks because the latter is too much like gambling. Touche.

Putnam also talks about meeting his wife at one of the bars he worked at, getting married in a church, and having two wonderful children. This is the basis of my five-star review. It is a wonderful story about a loving family. Some people express love in different ways. Putnam starts referring to his ex-wife as “that bitch” immediately after finding her in bed with his brother, leading to divorce. As for his children, most passages about them center around their career choices, or rather why he wishes they had made different career choices. You feel for Putnam as his wish that his children follow in his footsteps in the liquor industry is foiled by his son’s desire to be a medical doctor and his daughter’s dream of starting a bakery. Alas, Putnam has to settle for selling his business for millions of dollars and watching his children thrive in their own chosen careers. You can feel his pride emanate from the pages of the book, if not in the words he uses to describe his feelings.

Putnam expresses some strong opinions in this massive tome. He believes that the government is run by lizard people. He also asserts that Elvis is alive, Paul McCartney is dead, and that the Rolling Stones never existed to begin with. Finally, Putnam argues for three chapters that you should keep your money in gold and never have a bank account. This is a little strange given that Putnam worked at a bank, but he claims from his time in the industry that they are run by “nefarious globalists.” I choose to interpret that phrase as charitably as possible.

You may ask “Why is it called ‘Born Outlaw’?” Valid question. You see, Putnam decided to write his memoir after applying for social security benefits only to find that, due to a clerical error, the U.S Government doesn’t recognize his existence. Yeah, he was issued an SSN number, but it never really got written down where it needed to be. An employee at the social security office made a crack that he had the same status as an undocumented immigrant as far as Uncle Sam was concerned. This is the twist ending, which leads to Putnam writing a *ahem* very enthusiastic rant against the government, ending in several death threats, which I am sure were just hyperbole. The schematics for pipe bombs he stuck in the appendices were probably just hyperbole as well, but I sent the FBI a copy of the book just in case.