Recently, a United States District Court in the Southern District of New York has unsealed records from a civil case against Jeffrey Epstein from 2015, giving rise to a “list” of mentioned individuals. While not every name on the list was a client of Epstein, names that have appeared have caused people to wonder. I have obtained one particular section of the record which, I believe, has gone uncovered.

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Trial Transcript–Witness Statement

Plaintiff’s Counsel: State your name for the record please.

Witness: (Inaudible)

PC: Could you repeat that?

Witness: You know who I am.

PC: Your honor…

His Honor: The witness will repeat his name so the jury can hear him. Better yet. Spell it out.

Witness: (Sigh) M-I-C…K-E-Y….M-O-U-S-E. Mickey Mouse.

PC: You are the same Mickey Mouse who appeared in Steamboat Willie?

MM: Yeah, that’s me. I’m sure you’ve seen my work. Do you have any questions?

PC: Yes, several. Let’s start with this: How did you meet Mr. Epstein?

MM: Through friends.

PC: Which friends?

MM: Peter Pan. Frankenstein’s monster. The Tooth Fairy.

HH: Would you like to spend a night in jail Mr. Mouse?

MM: I met him through DiCaprio. I do work in movies, you know.

PC: Who initiated contact first?

MM: I did.

PC: Why?

MM: I needed someone to manage my money, and he was a genius. He added a zero onto my bank account, and my bank account had plenty of zeroes in the first place.

PC: When did you first hear about Little Saint James?

MM: You mean Jeffrey’s secret island?

PC: Yes, the one he took Ms. Giuffre to.

MM: Oh, the other secret island. Sorry about that. I think Ghislaine told Minnie about it at a charity event we were all at. The Clintons were there as well. Minnie made a comment about how many interns he actually boinked, and then Ghislaine stopped a minute, like she was kind of counting in her head, and then said “At least seven.” One thing led to another and we are all suddenly getting onto a charter plane to the middle of the Virgin Islands.

PC: Who was all on the plane?

MM: Other than Minnie, myself, Jeffrey and Ghislaine?

PC: Yes.

MM: Well, there was Donald.

PC: By Donald you mean…

MM: Yeah, you know, the guy who speaks nonsense and doesn’t wear pants.

PC: Oh, you mean Donald…

MM: Trump. Sorry, took me a while to remember.

PC: Huh. I mean you said the guy who speaks nonsense and doesn’t wear pants…

MM: When I met the guy, he wasn’t wearing pants, and I’ve never been able to understand a word that came out of that bastard’s mouth.

PC: Okay, so Mr. Trump was on the plane without pants. What was he doing?

MM: The plane was filled with the USC cheer squad, completely naked, crawling around on their knees. Use your imagination.

PC: I’m going to need you to be more specific.

MM: He was eating a well-done steak with ketchup. Donnie couldn’t get it up. He hasn’t been able to get an erection in years. I think it had something to do with Melania setting his pubic hair on fire after the whole Stormy thing.

PC: Well, who were the girls for?

MM: Stephen Hawking. The things that guy could do with a finger, let me tell you.

PC: Other than them, was anyone else there?

MM: Nope, that was it. Oh, I guess you would consider Enrico, Jeffrey’s tiny man servant to be a person. I never think of the little people.

PC: You mean he’s a little person?

MM: He’s a midget, but when I use the term “little people,” I’m referring to people who have to fly commercial.

PC: What did he do?

MM: Other than Jeffrey himself, when we landed, he stepped on the tarmac first and said “Welcome to the Magical Sex Island, where your most sordid masturbation fantasies come true!” in that little voice from the show.

PC: So we get to the island. Who else is there?

MM: Who wasn’t there? Al Gore, Richard Branson, George Lucas, the pope.

PC: Which pope?

MM: Both of them. We didn’t need God there. We were gods. You could get anything your heart desired. Both sexes. All ages. Dressed in whatever costume you needed.

PC: Did you see Ms. Giuffre there?

MM: No. Jeffrey brought us there to live out our fantasies. I wasn’t interested in a young girl. I spent most of my time playing with the dog.

PC:…

MM: You heard me.