Happy 4th of July everyone! We’re taking a break from “A Week in Pandemonium” in order to speak with a presidential candidate who’s getting a lot of attention after last week’s debate. I’m here with Lester Yazstrimski who has thrown his hat into the ring. Introduce yourself, Mr. Yazstrimski!

Lester: Please call me Lester. Everyone does. Mr. Yazstrimski is my father.

Me: Ah! It’s just that you appear to be in your mid-40s, so I didn’t think you would mind. You also decided to come to this interview wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater t-shirt.

Lester: Yeah, it’s kind of my schtick. Like, I’m a regular guy.

Me: Huh. Well, tell me about yourself, Lester.

Lester: I am 43 years old. I live in Little Rock, Arkansas. I’ve never been convicted of a felony, and I’m mentally competent. I’m willing to take any cognitive test you feel is necessary to prove that last part. I’ve never had a part of my brain eaten by a parasite or tried to overthrow the government by force. I’ve never said anything nice about any third world dictator, or asked them to release dirt on my opponents. I would like to be President.

Me: What do you currently do for a living?

Lester: I’m in between opportunities. Hopefully, this time next year I’ll be President and they get paid like $400k. That and you get a free house to live in so I can move out of my mother’s basement.

Me: You’re unemployed and living with your parents at the age of 43?

Lester: Yeah, I’ve had a slow start in life, but the advantage of that is that you don’t have to worry about the president having any kids who are public embarrassments if the President is a 300-pound, unemployed incel. My kid can’t be addicted to crack or meeting with Russian spies if I’ve never had sex, right?

Me: Supposedly if you got elected President you could get a date.

Lester: That’s what I’m hoping. Fingers crossed.

Me: Look, I find it strange that the most you can say for yourself is that you have never been convicted of a crime.

Lester: A felony. Never been convicted of a felony. Like, if you check my record, you’ll see that one time I punched a cop, but we pled it down to a misdemeanor cause it was my first offense and I was having a panic attack.

Me: Let’s move onto the issues. First, the economy. What’s your plan?

Lester: First, I’m going to get a job, hopefully as President, though a spot just opened up at Pizza Hut for a delivery driver. Mostly, I was thinking steady as she goes.

Me: You mean you don’t plan to change anything?

Lester: No, unemployment’s low and inflation’s getting better. Probably better to kick back and just collect the check.

Me: What about foreign policy? What about Ukraine? Or Gaza?

Lester: You just used a few words I didn’t recognize. Those are probably weird places on a map that I don’t know anything about, so I would probably just have the military tell me whether to send money or bombs to wherever it is you were talking about.

Me: What about social issues?

Lester: Oh, I love the blacks and the gays, as long as they don’t do it in the park. I mean the border is like, screwed up though.

Me: What would you do about it?

Lester: Nuke it.

Me: Nuke our own border.

Lester: Gotta nuke something.

Me: Lester, I’m beginning to think you aren’t really qualified to be president and you don’t know anything about the relevant issues. You seem to just want to be president because you can’t find any other work. This is the most important job in the world with the most power and responsibility any human being has ever had. Why would anyone vote for you?

Lester: I promise that most days you won’t have to think of me. Things will be so boring, you won’t even remember you have a president, or a government for that matter. I just need a place to crash and a steady paycheck.

Me: I can’t believe this. I was told that your campaign was picking up momentum across America.

Lester: It is. We raised $2,000,000 in donations since the last debate. The last Ipsos poll has me at 20%. Take a look.

(Lester hands me a printout of a poll, which confirms what he just said.)

Me: I am sad now.

Lester: I can cheer you up. Let me introduce you to my VP pick.

(Lester leaves the room and brings back a chimpanzee dressed in a miniature suit)

Lester: Meet Mr. Nanners. Yeah, he’s an ape, but people tell me it doesn’t really matter who the vice-president unless you die. My doctor tells me that I should at least live to be 60.

Me: Well, that’s reassuring. Any parting words?

Lester: Yeah, could you tell your readers to send any donations directly to my student loan broker. I’ve nearly got it paid off. Just one more debate like that, and I’m made.

Me: I guess Biden succeeded at paying off somebody’s student loans.