We still don’t have a solid publication date for Christmas in Pandemonium. The primary cause is the Canadian Postal Worker Strike. You see, I Ain’t No Marionette Press, my publisher, is based in Ontario. Due to a variety of reasons, the postal workers union in Canada went on strike back in November and only temporarily returned to work December 17 after management agreed to a small raise. However, due to the backlog, even now we are having problems getting packages out of Canada in January, which is what we need to do to publish the book.

Look, I understand that these collective bargaining issues are complicated, and I’m just an ignorant American trying to get a book published. If I’m lucky, maybe I could sell 50 copies. However, I am willing to step in and make an offer to resolve this thing: $3,000. Yes, you heard me, $3000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Canadian Postal Workers Union, for $3000. And that’s American Greenbacks, not Canadian money. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “We’re a national union made up of thousand of postal workers. What difference would $3000 make?” But here’s the thing: you can use the $3000 anyway that you want. No strings attached. I don’t even really care if you end the strike, just get my transcript to the printers.

Oh, so $3000 isn’t enough for you? We’ll, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but our new President has threatened to annex you, and I predict that things might not go so well for your little concern once you’ve been conquered by Comandante Trump.  He’s a vindictive guy, and he always gets his man. That’s why Hilary Clinton is in prison, Mexico paid for us to build a border wall and then dig a moat, and people in Greenland now speak English and eat Freedom Fries. I see your PM resigned. Couldn’t take the heat. It definitely had to do with Trump. Nothing to do with the polls showing him down by 20 points after being in office for nine years. I mean, who’s that guy think he is? George Bush?

Okay, maybe I’m overreacting. Our neighbors up north are entitled to have their own problems. God knows we’ve got enough of our own. The mail being late is obviously a small one. Just please, good people of Canada, get my transcript over the border. You’re killing me. I named the book: Christmas in Pandemonium. It’s coming out in February. I’m an idiot.