I haven’t posted in a while, partially due to a lull in publishing activity and partially due to my right shoulder exploding in pain. Now, I’m back on the mend and back to writing. Time for an episode of Unreliable Narrator: Super Bowl 59

Pre-Game: Donald Trump announces he will be attending the game and picks the Chiefs to win by three. This is controversial as prior presidents had not attended the game, and the last time the Eagles won, Trump disinvited them from coming to the White House when some team members said they wouldn’t go. “I’m looking forward to the game,” Trump says. “I don’t hold any kind of grudge, honest. It’s not my way.”

First Quarter 15:00—As both teams take the field, Swifty the Great and Terrible transforms into a great red dragon as she did the year before. However, Jalen Hurts takes out the Amulet of Lost Souls and captures Swifty’s essence. Robbed of her immense power, the Eagles proceed to fight the Chiefs on an even playing field. We go to commercial.

First Commercial—Budweiser does its annual “inspiration ad” involving elegant Drysdales and cute little puppies. Unbeknownst to the public, the commercials have a series of subliminal images of AmBev CEO Jean Jereissati standing next to a bottling line. Jereissati takes a Budweiser bottle, urinates in it, and places the bottle on the bottling line, all while looking directly at the camera. The message ends with Jereissati showing the camera his middle finger and saying, “You’ll drink it, morons.”

First Quarter 7:34—The Eagles have already taken a commanding 91-point lead. The Chiefs run for the exits, trying as hard as they can to get off the field, but to no avail as the Eagles pound them like a bunch of child molesters in prison. Travis Kelce prays for death as he’s strapped to a wooden rack and stretched, while Patrick Mahomes watches helplessly as his teammates are subjected to water torture.

Second Commercial—Marvel unveils the next movie in the MCU: a thrilling spy movie where not-Captain America, not-Black Widow, and the rest of the not-Avengers are sent on a mission to find and beat a dead horse before not-Thanos succeeds at…something.

Second Quarter 12:37—The Chiefs have been tied up in bamboo cages and hung above a massive bonfire in the middle of the field. Swifty, now bereft of her power, appears briefly, and is greeted by boos and chants of “burn the witch!”

Second Quarter 6:12—Donald Trump announces a 25% tariff on Philadelphia, to be enforced at the end of the game. This is really a negotiating tactic to force the Eagles to allow the Chiefs to win, as he really doesn’t want to have to invite the Eagles to the White House after what happened last time. Trump’s aides attempt to inform him that he can’t put tariffs on an American city like Philadelphia. (It even used to be the Capitol.) These people are fired and replaced by people willing to tell Trump that Philly will be tariffed right away.

Halftime Show—Kendrick Lamar’s halftime show proves that Americans, if given the choice, would really prefer Samuel L. Jackson be President. One of the dancers starts reciting a political manifesto, mid-song, advocating Anarcho-Capitalism, making it the only other part of this halftime show anyone would remember. At some point, a guy drops dead from a heart attack, but I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.

Third Quarter 9:34—Bored with merely humiliating the Chiefs, the Eagles transform into actual eagles, flying to Kansas City and shitting on every car they can find. Watching this at home, Roger Goodell wonders out loud “I rigged the AFC championship for this?”

Third Commercial—Upon seeing a commercial with Meg Ryan eating mayonnaise on a sandwich from Katz Deli, the nation of Israel bombs Hellman’s corporate headquarters in defense of the Jewish people. “An abomination,” says Netanyahu. “We will never forget this insult.” The U.N. immediately calls for a ceasefire when informed that this could lead to the world being required to use Miracle Whip.

Third Quarter 0:34—The Chiefs momentarily escape from their cages and score one touchdown, resulting in a score of 234 to 6 in favor of the Eagles. In response, Trump announces a momentary pause in the tariff on Philadelphia. His online supporters congratulate Trump on winning big. “America is back baby!”

Fourth Commercial—Snoop Dogg and Tom Brady help us understand why hate is stupid by listing a lot of stupid reasons why people hate each other. This is a revelation to the American public, as most of us previously thought hate was good. We all learned a valuable lesson.

Fourth Quarter 9:47—The Eagles fly to the White House still in bird form and proceed to shit all over the White House, the Capitol, and all of the surrounding office buildings. Jalen Hurts flies directly into Trump’s box and pecks out the President’s eyes. The secret service scream in terror.

Fifth Commercial—Him & Hers open their commercial with a screed against corporate America and its evil plan to sell us things. Diet and exercise are, of course, futile against the hypnotic powers of advertising. The solution to this systemic injustice, of course, is to buy their product, which is like the pure side of the Force, or so says their ad.

Fourth Quarter 0:00—The game ends with the Chiefs being allowed to score twice more, ending in a score of 234 to 22 in favor of the Eagles. Trump points to these final two scores and declares victory from the Oval Office as his eyes gush blood. The tariff threat is completely withdrawn in exchange for a Gino’s cheesesteak with cheese wiz. Jalen Hurts laughs as he dangles the Amulet of Lost Souls in front of the diminished Swifty, flying away with her power. The Eagles later all go to Disney World…and shit all over everything there. That’s Philly for you.