We try not to be too political here on the Nook, but for reasons pertaining to Original Sin, I do feel the need to comment on politics occasionally. Let’s just say someone, a certain man, has proposed that America annex Greenland, Canada, the Panama Canal, and the Gaza Strip, in that order. Clearly, these proposals have a lot of issues to work through, starting with the fact that none of the people who live in these places want to be part of America.

But it got me thinking. It seems that clearly the current administration wants some kind of territorial expansion. That wasn’t on anyone’s bingo card. I mean, we can’t even decide what to do with Puerto Rico. However, if the people at the White House really need to expand territorially, I have a solution. Imagine a piece of newly discovered land, nearly four times the size of the U.S., with no inhabitants yet plentiful natural resources, that America has a unique claim to based on the fact that we got there first. I am, of course, talking about the moon. Yes, the moon.

Look, we can truthfully say we have dibs. Neil Armstrong planted old glory on that sucker back in 1969, and unlike other with conquistadores, no one lives on the land. Nope, there are no indigenous people on the moon. It has no atmosphere. Now, I know about the possible objections. “Jack, aren’t there a million billion treaties saying we can’t annex the moon.” No, there are only two, but common, international treaties? At this point, those are like toilet paper. Yes, I know other countries have landed spacecraft on the moon, but we’re the only country to land people on the moon. As far as I can tell, the only real objection is that you can’t put a casino or resort on the moon, yet.

It’s not like any other country really has the resources to regularly visit the moon, and NASA already has plans to exploit the minerals on the moon. Furthermore, it provides America with a whole new revenue source to pay for all this debt we have. Imagine looking up at a harvest moon one autumn evening and seeing letters spell out “Coca-Cola.” That’s got to be worth a few Super Bowl ads. It would bring in millions. Now, there will be objections. “Jack, you can’t put advertisements on the moon. The moon belongs to everyone. Blah, blah, blah.” Nonsensical emotion, I say. Heh, I think we’ve been pretty gracious since landing on the moon in 1969. We’ve let other people land spacecraft on our property, and we’ve never tried to charge royalties to poets or musicians who refer to it in lyrics.

Most importantly, it allows the man in the White House to say that he expanded the U.S. territorially. Hell, he’s quintupled it. After that, he should be satisfied and will stop saying America will annex territory every time he’s called to weigh in on any international dispute. All the other countries can exhale and bless their lucky stars that he’s got it out of his system. I don’t see any other solution to that problem, do you? So, it’s settled: America owns the moon now. The next time you look up at the night sky, close your eyes and hum “America the Beautiful” to yourself. You’re welcome.