In my struggle to keep this blog apolitical, I fail…over and over again. However, I have a reason for this distraction as my magnum opus Christmas in Pandemonium is being published by I Ain’t Your Marionette Press, which is located in Ontario, Canada. You may have heard, but there has been some disruption in international trade lately. Concerned that this might have ramifications for my book, I decided to ask around the Office of the United States Trade Representative. Luckily, the President’s new trade czar turned out to be none other than Lester Yastrimski, who we interviewed last year. I have published our conversation below.

Me: Mr. Yastrimski, it’s good to talk to you again.

Lester: Yeah, it’s good to be gainfully employed.

Me: Tell me about that. Because it’s kind of strange that you have this job as Trump’s trade czar. Last time I talked to you, you were running against him and doing pretty well.

Lester: I was, but then I released a party platform, and it all went to hell. I never should have offered actual policy specifics. Even after my support collapsed, I still had like a few people voting for me, so Trump offered me this job to drop out and endorse him.

Me: Okay, so you made a deal like Bobby Kennedy Jr. What experience do you have in trade?

Lester: Man, I didn’t even know what this job was about until after my first week. Trump was like “Will you do whatever I want and say nice things about me.” And I was like “Yeah, sure, whatever you say man.” And boom, I’m his Trade Czar.

Me: Why do you think he didn’t appoint Peter Navarro to this position?

Lester: Oh, you mean, Petey? Yeah, he tells me we need to raise tariffs, but he doesn’t give me many details. Says he wants plausible deniability.

Me: So you came up with those tariff rates? You know, people had questions about the formula you used.

Lester: Formula? Man, I just made it up as I went along. 60% here. 20% here. They told me to just make sure that it should be at least 10% unless we’re talking about Russia, because Trump says he’s trying to get in good with Big-V. You mean someone actually, like, reversed engineered a formula from what I did?

Me: Lester, do you know what a tariff is?

Lester: It’s like when we tax other countries.

Me: No, Lester, the U.S. can’t make other countries pay us taxes. The world doesn’t work that way. It’s a tax on imported goods, paid by the company importing them, and the cost normally gets passed along to the consumer, i.e., you and me.

Lester: Hey, man, I’m just telling you what the boss told me to say.

Me: Lester, I have book being published by a Canadian publisher, and I’m worried about how America’s new trade policy is going to affect sales.

Lester: Dude, that sucks, Canada’s like public enemy number one. The big guy hates them.

Me: Why? What have the Canadians done to us?

Lester: I mean, that’s what I asked Trump. He told me that Canada sneaks fentanyl into Mexico so they can sneak it into America and that Dan Akroyd was secretly behind 9/11.

Me: Those things are stupid and false, but what do they have to do with the trade deficit?

Lester: Well, supposedly, they’re ripping us off for like a million billion dollars every year. That’s what the trade deficit. They’re like, stealing from us.

Me: That’s not what a trade deficit is. It’s like, you buy more from MacDonalds than they buy from you, so you have a trade deficit from MacDonalds. Your employer pays you money for your labor. You don’t pay him. So you have a trade surplus with your employer. Basically, we have a trade deficit with Canada because we buy more oil and lumber from them than they buy Coca-Cola and DVDs from us.

Lester: So, you’re saying we need to put a tariff on MacDonald’s?

Me: No, Lester, look I’m beginning to think my book, and the entire global economy, is being threatened by a kind of stubborn ignorance. Do you really think you should be doing this job?

Lester: Hell yeah, I should! It pays like $50 an hour and Elon Musk lets me sleep on the couch in his hotel room.

Me: Lester, I think we need someone who actually knows what they are doing deciding the tariff rate. Maybe someone with a degree in macroeconomics.

Lester: You mean, the so-called experts? Well, I actually called those guys, and you know what they think the tariff rate should be?

Me: Zero?

Lester: Yeah, and if I did that, I’d be fired. Then what would I do for a living?

(Before I can answer, Lester’s phone rings.)

Lester: Sorry about that, it’s the other job.

(He answers)

Lester: Hey, yeah, I don’t think we should do anything right now. Don’t swing at every pitch.

(He hangs up the phone.)

Lester: Okay, I’m back.

Me: Lester, you have another job in addition to this?

Lester: Yeah, so I also cut a deal with Kamala during the election to drop out and endorse her. Which I did. I like endorsed Trump on Fox News and Newsmax and I endorsed Kamala on CNN and NPR. If you watch Fox, you don’t listen to NPR, so nobody noticed. Anyway, I also have this other job with the Democrats now, where I’m in charge of their response to Trump. I’m just telling them to do nothing. Based on the poll numbers I’m seeing, we should win the mid-terms without having any kind of real strategy. Trump will just implode, particularly after the stuff I’ve been doing as his trade czar, so I fail at one job and succeed at another.

Me: There you have it, folks. Lester Yastrimski, Trump’s trade czar, Democrat point man, political genius (?). See you next time.