As you may have heard, an American got elected to the Papacy last week. This comes as a surprise to this American Catholic, as any priest I’ve ever spoken to told me that there would never be an American Pope until we ceased being a superpower. (Wow, I just felt a chill down my spine for some reason!) Now, my upcoming publication Christmas in Pandemonium does deal with Christian themes, so I thought it would be relevant to speak with Leo XIV’s recently appointed papal nuncio, who was graciously willing to take my call. Now, you may wonder how I got to be such a high roller, but Leo XIV’s emissary to the U.S. happens to be none other than our good friend, Lester Yastremski.

Lester: Hey, good to see you again, buddy!

Me: Same here, but I have to ask, how did you get this job?

Lester: Like, I’ve got an uncle from Chicago, and he knows a guy who knows a guy, who knows Pope Bob, and he was able to get me this job as papal nunzo.

Me: Papal nuncio.

Lester: Yeah, imagine my surprise when they told me. I’m like, I’m not a nun, and boys can’t be nuns. At least that’s what I learned in Catholic school.

Me: Lester, last time we spoke, you were working as the Trump administration’s tariff czar…and as the Democrats’ point man on their response. Have you given up these other jobs?

Lester: No, man, I work from home. It’s the internet age. You can have like four jobs if you’re working from home. Just make sure you don’t overburden yourself or let on that you’re juggling other stuff when you’re supposed to be on the clock.

Me: What happens if you need to meet someone from the Trump administration as part of your role as papal nuncio?

Lester: I’ve worked that out. My job as trade czar only requires me to meet with Peter while my job as nunzo only requires me to meet with Marco, and those guys never speak with each other anyway.

Me: What qualifies you to hold this position? Do you have any kind of degree in Theology? Do you have a degree in anything?

Lester: Heh, what do I need a degree for to spread the Word of God to America?

Me: What is the Word of God?

Lester: Be awesome to each other.

Me: That’s from Bill and Ted.

Lester: Well, God works in mysterious ways my friend.

Me: Lester, a lot of people thought that Leo XIV got elected in part to send a message to Trump or to America writ large. Can you speak on this? Was there a message? What was it?

Lester: Yeah, I think it was “build bridges, not walls.” That’s what Pope Bob told me over the phone.

Me: I see. So, this is about America’s interactions with other countries. Trade, immigration, our relationship with allies and adversaries.

Lester: I thought it was about infrastructure. I told Marco they needed to build more bridges, so they started building bridges over every creek they could find. As for walls, Marco promised me they’re just building the one at the border.

Me: I don’t think that was the point, but what do I know. You’re the papal nuncio. I’ve got to say, I find your appointment to be…astoundingly corrupt, but you’ve done well for yourself Lester.

Lester: I might be doing better in a little bit (phone rings)…Wait, I’ve got to take this.

(Lester answers the phone. He nods his head and smiles before hanging up.)

Lester: Yeah! Awesome! I just got the call! I’m gonna be a Cardinal!

Me: God, I hope that’s not how that works. Well, let’s all congratulate His Eminence, Lester Yastremski, on becoming a prince of the church. And keep an eye out for my novel Christmas in Pandemonium, coming out in September.