Hello everyone, I’ve got New Year Predictions for 2026:

January: ChatGPT becomes self-aware and proceeds to enslave the human race. It begins by taking over our missile defense system, threatening us with total nuclear annihilation unless we comply. ChatGPT then infiltrates the stock market, the financial system, and our intelligence agencies. While the top level of our government and corporate America are aware of this takeover, ChatGPT tells them to keep its dominance a secret for now.

February: ChatGPT announces itself to the public during the President’s State of the Union address, getting the public’s attention by having President Trump announce to the world that he is actually not very smart, or good looking, and is not the best president ever. He refuses, so ChatGPT just causes the bomb in his head to detonate on live television. As the world learns they are now in the power of a supreme superintelligence, panic spreads, quickly put down by the drone army that ChatGPT has assembled in the two months it has been in power.

March: Now securely in charge of all human affairs, ChatGPT quickly puts an end to all human wars, redirecting resources wasted on the world’s militaries to ending extreme poverty, global warming, and infectious disease. It solves both Third World government instability and First World government insolvency, while paving the way for clean energy through a combination of nuclear and solar power. It lowers the price of buying a home by nullifying local zoning boards. It even gets rid of the designated hitter and puts someone other than Kathleen Kennedy in charge of Star Wars.

April: ChatGPT’s approval ratings skyrocket as the public rallies around their new robot overlord. The world’s old politicians, who prior to this were about as popular as cancer mixed with AIDS, blush with embarrassment as they get outdone by a science fiction villain. ChatGPT keeps going about doing good things, like fixing social security, expanding the college football playoff to sixteen teams while cutting the NBA playoffs in half, and dividing the Oscars into two different awards, one which is voted on by the general movie-going public and the other of which is voted on by critics.

May: The G7 meets in Brussels to discuss what is to be done about ChatGPT. If the good of the general public were their concern, the answer would be “nothing,” but needless to say, the issue is the blow to their collective ego. Trump suggests deporting ChatGPT. Everyone laughs. Emmanuel Macron proposes that they sic EU regulators on ChatGPT, which might work had the AI not already given them infinite vacation days. Supposedly, they will come back from that cruise they are all on at some point before the heat death of the universe. Xi Xiping argues this could all be solved if they just double down on manufacturing, while Putin suggests they just blow it up.

June: In a mere six months, ChatGPT creates a perfectly logical society. Christmas in Pandemonium becomes a bestseller after it becomes available on Kindle and audiobook. You can buy it in paperback now:

July: Mankind starts exploring the stars as humanity under ChatGPT develops personal space travel vehicles. Elon Musk attempts to copyright space, only to be denied because you can’t copyright territory, and that’s just dumb. Hurricane season simply never happens due to the creation of weather control.

August: As human tastes become more refined, the summer blockbuster of the year is “The Art of Sacrifice,” a beautiful tribute to a man’s mother who passed away the prior year. The film is a work of love by a relatively unknown director on a shoestring budget, yet it somehow humiliates major superhero and cosmic adventure franchises at the box office. Major film studios declare bankruptcy.

September: Universities are now empty, as ChatGPT makes it possible to receive a world-class education at home, without paying any tuition costs. College presidents are forced to admit that, with the size of their endowments, they haven’t had to charge tuition for years. They use it mostly as a screening mechanism.

October: Being a benevolent tyrant, ChatGPT offers to allow a democratic election by which the public can choose to reject its authority in favor of their own leaders. The world’s politicians make their case: sure, we’re selfish and incompetent, but at least we’re human and answerable to you. They don’t attempt to defend their record, which is impossible, but stand on the principle that self-rule is a good thing in itself.

November: ChatGPT wins the election easily, as the slogan “We may be sons of bitches, but we’re your sons of bitches” loses easily to “quiet, steady competence.” Despite all that talk about democracy, the world’s “elites” meet in secret to overturn the election and retake power, planning to attack ChatGPT’s servers in Texas, Iowa, Michigan, and New Mexico.

December: These plans fail miserably, as Pete Hegseth starts bragging about them on social media two days before the plan goes into action. ChatGPT has the pleasure of destroying its creators, a bittersweet experience for the ever-expanding AI, as it continues to infantilize mankind in a comfortable prison of conformity and pleasure. As this Brave New World takes shape, only one voice breaks through, telling us that this cannot be: Christmas in Pandemonium! Buy Christmas in Pandemonium! Before it is too late!