Today on Unreliable Narrator: Team USA beats Canada in Men’s Hockey for Olympic Gold.

Period 1: The teams take the ice with Team USA being the clear favorite given that the Canadians are a bunch of three foot tall wood chucks who speak French. Matt Goldy scores the first goal by ricocheting the puck off Plymouth Rock and the Statue of Liberty, both of which had been moved to Italy for some reason.

First intermission: The duplicitous canucks, seeing their dire situation, hire the Zamboni driver to coat the ice in maple syrup, giving their team a clear advantage. Despite being an American, the Zamboni driver takes this payoff from a state enemy, citing his limited earning potential outside the small window of the Winter Olympics. Americans are outraged at his lack of patriotism, along with the perversion of a great American invention, the Zamboni.

Second Period: Stuck to the ice, Team USA is powerless to stop the woodchuck brigade from scoring once as Cale Makar makes the goal for Canada, knocking the puck in as his teammates tie the goalie to the back of the net. The poutine lovers are insufferable, openly bragging about the superiority of Lablatt Blue and claiming Tim Hortons is better than Dunkin.’

Second Intermission: Invoking the spirit of Herb Brooks, Team USA is able to spiritually clean the ice. The Zamboni driver explodes into flame. So does that Russian woman who claimed that Alysa Liu looked fat. No seriously. Fuck that lady.

Third Period: With the odds once again even, the Canadians have to take their cheating to a whole new level. They take the ice with flamethrowers, ATVs, advanced alien weapons taken from Area 51, samurai swords, and a new strain of Covid. Team USA comes armed with nothing but their talent and heart. They fight to a tie.

Final intermission: In between the third period and overtime, my Canadian publisher, I Ain’t Your Marionette Press, calls me and asks what is with all this hostility against Canada. After a few choice words, I switch sides. Here’s a link to my book, by the way.

Overtime: The plucky underdog Canadians face off one last time against the Yankee Imperialist bad guys in this match of good vs. evil. Needless to say, just as I start cheering for the canucks, they lose.