The United States of America turns 250 today. You might quibble on the date given that most of the signers of the Declaration of Independence put quill to paper on August 2, 1776, not July 4. You are hereby invited to my house for an August 2 barbecue. The important thing is that the text of the Declaration was finalized today.

You know I’ve thought about America’s prior “anniversaries.” It’s kind of made me think about our own time, which most people agree is kind of a downer. I think the last time a majority of people thought the county was headed in the right direction was like 2003 or something. Maybe looking backwards will give us some perspective.

1776: Thomas Jefferson pens the Declaration of Independence. Little do people know, he has an editor. He tells Jefferson not to complain about the British shutting down all the best whorehouses and the cannabis trade and takes out the part where he makes fun of King George’s mental health. More importantly, the editor strikes the passage which blames the British for the fact that Americans own slaves. The value of a good editor.

1826: The Era of Good Feelings in the America, that’s the U.S.A., the country that previously didn’t exist the last time around, comes to an end with the crooked election of John Quincy Adams by the House of Representatives. The Era of Good Feelings was ushered in by America’s victory in the War of 1812, a war which most historians now think was more of a draw and which Canadians will tell you they won outright. It was a time marked by the dominance of a single political party, a little like communism! John Quincy Adams was a real criminal. He got elected, not through the electoral college, which we all love, but through a vote of the House of Representatives, per the Constitution, and after one unpopular term he went on to be (check notes) America’s most prominent abolitionist. Bad guy.

1876: America’s first 100-year anniversary is marred by terrorism and graft as Ulysses S. Grant deals with the KKK in the south during Reconstruction and corruption within his own administration. While eventually Grant is able to subdue the Klan, the federal government cannot prevent Jim Crow laws from sprouting up across the South, severely restricting the civil rights and economic prospects of freed slaves. Yeah, freed slaves, because the slaves were freed. That’s what the people the south were so mad about, of course. The corruption? I don’t know. I think they passed like civil service reform or something.

1926: Society utterly falls apart in the roaring 20s. Blood runs in the streets as gang fight over the illegal alcohol trade. Housewives are replaced with promiscuous flappers! Jazz! Played by black people! In public! It all started with letting dames vote I’ll tell you! Next thing you know, they’ll be giving Injuns citizenship! What, you mean they already did that? What’s next? Will a papist get the presidency? He got the nomination? Well at least he didn’t win. I’m beginning to see a pattern here.

1976: America’s feeling down for its 200th anniversary in the wake of Watergate and losing the Vietnam war. Stagflation is kicking everyone’s head in, and so are gas lines. The presidential race is between two people who look like gameshow hosts. What really gets to people are all the race riots. And this is after the Jim Crow laws have all been repealed. Oh, yeah, segregation is illegal now. I mean, the schools are fairly segregated, so it’s a process, but everything is a process. They’re in the middle of getting rid of redlining. And those restrictive immigration laws we passed in the 1920s. Anyway, the commies are winning, my friend.

2026: Everything sucks. The National Debt has reached nosebleed altitude, and we can’t win a war against pillows even with the most advanced weapons in the world. This largely stems from the fact that our politics comes down to a two-party system where the two parties compete as to how much they can disappoint us. They end up trading losses because one party has become a personality cult around a guy whose personality sucks and the other party has the attitude of “Sure, we could win this election by 20 points, or we could become way more extreme and win this election by like one point. And maybe lose.” For all you, “don’t talk about politics people,” I’ll let you guess which is which.

The commies? Why are you asking about them? Other than like Cuba and North Korea the real commies are gone man. America’s enemies are a poo-poo platter of third-world nationalists, religious extremists who screw goats, and aging Marxists in retirement homes. Stagflation? Sure, there’s been some inflation, but nothing compared to the 70s. The American economy is producing robots that fight wars for us and AI that does research for us. Literal science fiction stuff. Supermajorities of Americans support interracial marriage and think immigration is good for America. We’ve even gotten good at soccer somehow. And we’re not the only people who call it soccer. The Australians call it that too.

You know, somehow, I think we’ll survive to 300, and people will have plenty to complaint about them too.