Now that we have Christmas in the rearview mirror, let’s think about New Years. It is very common to make New Year resolutions when you want to change something about yourself. However, those typically fail, which is why I plan to make irresolutions: things I resolve not to do.

I resolve not to put myself in a diabetic coma by trying to eat all of the Christmas candy currently in my house.

I resolve not to write about politics on this blog during an election year regardless of how many times I want to throw my television out the window.

I resolve not to break the world record for most YouTube videos watched, which would be difficult if I’ve thrown my television out the window.

I resolve not to drink myself to an early grave after seeing my novel get rejected by 30 or 40 different publishers.

I resolve not to tract down my previous employers and behead them in a fit of rage.

I resolve not cry when my favorite sports team, the Arkansas Razorbacks, invent a new way to lose in the most painful way possible.

I resolve not to say I told you so when ChatGPT gains control of America’s nuclear arsenal and ushers in the apocalypse.

I resolve not to give a fake Five-Star rating to every book I read, particularly not if it’s a memoir of a third-world dictator, a pornographic novel written by a twelve-year-old Burmese girl in a sweatshop, or the dictionary.

I resolve not to respond to rejections by sending back an email saying that I wouldn’t want to have my work published in their rinky-dink magazine anyway.

Finally, I resolve not to waste my readers time with more irresolutions. Happy New Year.