Today on Unreliable Narrator: the New York Knicks win their first championship in 53 years, as told to you by someone who didn’t watch any of the games.

Game 1 in San Antonio: Confident that they would beat the perennially forlorn and lackluster Knicks and enamored by the beautiful Riverwalk, the Spurs fail to show up to the arena for Game 1. The Knicks win by default. After the game, Victor Wenbanyama holds a press conference at a Mexican restaurant with a Margarita in his hand and admits the decision to not attend the game was perhaps a “tactical error.”

Game 2 in San Antonio: The Spurs do show up this time…fifteen minutes late. Eventually, they catch up, but cannot even the score, allowing the Knicks to leave San Antonio with two wins. When approached after the game a second time, now at a nightclub, Wembanyama protests that no one told the Spurs that the Knicks were actually allowed to win. “You have to remember, most of us grew up after the 1990s at this point. No one remembers the Ewing years even, much less when the Knicks actually won a championship. We’re all pretty sure that team is under some kind of voodoo curse or something.”

Game 3 in New York: The voodoo curse showed up. That Man decided to attend the game. He shut down something like fifty blocks around Madison Square Garden, depriving local bars and restaurants of needed revenue, while making Knicks fans wait outside the stadium for hours. Once inside, That Man got booed mercilessly, while the Knicks lost their first home game in the NBA finals in 27 years. He didn’t care. “I have accomplished my mission,” he said, “which was to make this about me. Everything is about me. World politics. America’s 250th Anniversary. The Knicks in the Finals. Me. Me. Me.” When asked for comment Wembanyama replied, “Told you.”

Game 4 in New York: After taking 29-point lead, the Spurs decide to leave the game early to beat the traffic, thinking the aforementioned voodoo curse has finally set in for good. They are shocked to find out at the hotel later that night that the Knicks pull off an improbable comeback, winning on a last-minute shot for the ages. Stunned, Wenbanyama consumes an entire hotel mini-bar and proclaims “This isn’t the end! The French have never been known to surrender prematurely!”

USA v. Paraguay-On an unrelated note, the USA beats Paraguay in the World Cup by a score of 4 to 1. When informed of this, the average American responds thusly “Cool, we’re in the World Cup? You mean of soccer? We’re the host?! How did I not know about this!” That Man, hearing about this from an aide, congratulates himself on the victory.

Game 5 in New York: The Knicks win their first NBA title in 53 years, powered by the spirit of Willis Reed and other Knicks greats of old, who come down from heaven to lift their players to victory. The Spurs, seeing a bunch of ghosts for the first time, shit themselves and run away. “Look, you can’t blame us for that one,” Wenbanyama said. “They had ghosts. Freaking ghosts! Are you going to play a basketball game with ghosts floating around! I don’t think so!”

Thanks for reading.