Happy Labor Day everyone! I always appreciate getting a day off, regardless of the occasion. Labor Day exists to honor the contributions of the American Labor movement to our society. It reminds me of that time my boss would only give us Labor Day off if we also agreed to celebrate Management Day, where we all had to work 14-hours for free on a Saturday. Needless to say, we didn’t take him up on that. The readers of this blog know I can get up on my high horse about holidays, holiday creep, and the need for more holidays. I thought I would do a piece on other rejected holidays, all of which I just made up. Just like Management Day!

In-Laws Day–In an attempt to follow up on the success of Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, the greeting card companies attempted to create a day in October to appreciate your mother-in-law and father-in-law. However, the holiday failed to get off the ground as the awkward, standoffish, and distant emotions expressed in those cards didn’t exactly fly off the shelves. Few people would buy a card expressing respect for how clean your house is or how glad you are that they taught their daughter how to cook. Best to just send Christmas cards with the grandkids in them.

Poison Ivy Appreciation Day–Botanists, seeing the success of Arbor Day, decided to give a different kind of plant some positive press, arguing that far from being a pest to be wiped out, Poison Ivy actually served an important role in the ecosystem. They did caution that this particular part of the flora is best appreciated at a distance, which most people had no problem with. Unfortunately, most people honored the holiday at a distance as well.

Patriot Day–In a blatant attempt to stretch out the summer patriotic season, various retail stores petition Congress to create Patriot Day in late August, giving Wal-Mart and Target the opportunity to offload all of their surplus red, white, and blue merchandise left over from Memorial Day and the 4th of July. Congress gets tripped up on what exactly this day is supposed to be celebrating, as the petitioners can’t identify any war America won that it’s supposed to commemorate, and we already have two days to celebrate veterans. The retail store representatives shrug their shoulders and just keep waving flags. “You don’t hate America, do you?” Congress goes along with it until someone brings up what giving everyone the day off would cost the American economy, leading an even bigger army of lobbyists to storm D.C. to oppose it.

Saint Stephen’s Day–Technically still a holiday, scheduled right after Christmas on December 26. However, Christmas has overshadowed this holiday, like someone who has their birthday around the holiday season. That, and the church stopped promoting it. St. Stephen, you see, was stoned to death, and whenever the church tried to teach the story of his martyrdom, the priest would always get comments like “Move it to April 20” and “I wonder if Phish would be interested in playing at the Mass.” Then they found out how some people were privately celebrating the holiday, and that was that.

Robert E. Lee Day–Several southern states, when forced to celebrate Martin Luther King Day, insisted on doing so only if they simultaneously celebrated Robert E. Lee Day. Thankfully, this is a satirical piece…no, wait, this is real. Mississippi and Alabama still do this.