Jax Book Nook

Hello, everyone. As you know, I’ve been shopping my full-length novel, Christmas in Pandemonium, around independent publishers after striking out with literary agents. I’ve sent out a few queries. Feeling around.

One thing has occurred to me: I should start my own independent publishing company. No, I don’t mean self-publishing. This is traditional publishing, but I’m publishing my own work first. I guess you could call it self-publishing, but if you did, I would sue you for defamation because that is a slander against my resume as a writer.

Will I publish other people’s works? Of course, but I am only accepting submissions during certain open submission windows. The last open submission window was this morning between 1 am and 1:05 am. The response was so overwhelming, I don’t think we’ll have another open response window for the next fifty years or so. It might take me half that long to publish all the very worthy manuscripts I received. Maybe I should hire some people to help me, but I am dedicated to maintaining a small, boutique press.

I really do think you will like some of the work we are putting out. When I made my first call for submissions, I expected to receive a bunch of poorly constructed, trite novels based on cliched premises with spelling and grammatical errors up and down the first page, and not just because I was mainly publishing my own work. However, I’ve was surprised to find finely edited masterpieces that introduced brand new ideas never before used in the history of literature while dealing with deep themes about man’s relationship with nature, God, and his fellow man. I rejected most of those ideas, however, as they did fit into the subgenre I was looking for: novels about transgender space aliens who enter into chess tournaments to win enough money to buy diamond studded mud flaps for their spaceships.

The selections I put out will no doubt be best sellers whenever it is that I get them out. That theoretically could be never, as I don’t have much time in between a full-time job as an attorney, raising a family, and working on my own books. As I told the lucky few authors I have accepted, expect to get an edited version of your work some time in between now and the heat death of the universe.

Now, you may doubt my dedication to the publishing business. This is rational, as a I have none. Much like Homer Simpson when he started that web site in the late 90s, I’m really just hoping to get bought out, though hopefully this won’t end with Bill Gates trashing my house. If I cause enough of a stink, maybe Penguin Books will pay me $5 million to shut the hell up. It may help if I may the company’s web site so cryptic, no one will be able to determine who am I, where the company is located, or what books we actually publish, if any. Maybe I should ask Billy McFarland on some tips as to how to raise publicity for a complete non-event. After he gets out of prison, of course.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have the talent, the drive, the money, or the hutzpah to start a legitimate publishing company. I should start a vanity publishing company and take people’s money to “publish” their books through Amazon, like, you know, a pyramid scheme.

What’s that? Maybe I should try to make money the “honest” way? We’ll, I’ve got to admit. That thought had not occurred to me. No, really, that’s the first time someone suggested that to me in my entire life. I was raised by coyotes. Huh. Maybe. In the meantime, check out Solstice Publishing, who published my novella, Beer Run. Their website is available here: https://solsticeempire.com/

Thanks to everyone who watched my interview with Matt Gabrielson on YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, it’s not like anyone has taken it down. You can still find it here.

That being said, I have a few other pots in the fire. First, my magnum opus, my precious child, other than my actual children, Christmas in Pandemonium has gone through its final edits before I start submitting it to Indie Publishers. The manuscript is ready, I just need to start preparing the application materials and sending out applications. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

My other pot is Beer Run II: The Great Reckoning, which I have just submitted to beta readers for the first time. After I get reviews and make adjustments, I’ll submit it to Solstice Publishing. Solstice published the original Beer Run, which you can buy here.

Beer Run II will center on the Lunatics: those xenophobic lunar nativists who nearly caused the moon to secede from the Democratic Union of Planets in the first book. They come up with a new conspiracy theory, and Bill Stiltson’s at the center of it.

Finally, I will be signing copies of Beer Run at the West Virginia Book Festival in Charleston, West Virginia on Saturday, October 21. Maybe some of my readers could meet me there.

My interview with Matt Gabrielson about Beer Run, the writing process, and balancing writing, family, and work is up on YouTube. Take a look.

Hey, I’ve got an interview with Matt Gabrielson on his YouTube channel about Beer Run coming up! I will release new details about when this interview will be released on his channel as things develop. In the meantime, check out Matt’s YouTube Channel! Matt Gabrielson – YouTube

Hello everyone, I’ve made a decision as Chief Executive Officer of Jax Book Nook. You see, the numbers have come in, and this blog isn’t making me a millionaire any time soon. Maybe you’re thinking “Jack, what was the likelihood of that happening anyway? This can’t be your big plan.” Well, let me answer that concern: shut up.

In order to increase the visibility of my brand, I’m renaming my site. From this day forward, Jax Book Nook shall hereafter be known as “X.com.” This sleek, hip new URL will no doubt attract additional eyeballs and turn this failing, forgotten blog into an online powerhouse. “X” is just a cool letter. It reminds the mind of the word “extreme,” which is no doubt why it was plastered everywhere in the 1990s, American’s golden era. Now I only need to sit here and wait for the money to roll in.

(Phone rings. I pick up. Worried yelling on the other side. My face drops. I hang up.)

Attention! I just received a call from legal, and it appears that the name “X.com” has been taken recently. I swear I was unaware of this and could not have foreseen it. Come to think of it, naming a website “X.com” is pretty lame. Is it supposed to be edgy? Didn’t that whole thing get cliched in the 1990s? And that was over twenty years ago! Jeez, glad I dodged that bullet.

Now that we’re past that bad idea, I would like to announce my intention to rename Jax Book Nook as “Z.com.” Now, Z, that’s a good letter. It’s the last letter of the alphabet, and rarely used, so it’s exotic and draws the eye. That’s why savy advertisers replace “s” with “z” when advertising to kids. Makes the word look radical.

(Phone rings again. I pick up. Angry bitching on the other side. I wipe some sweat off my brow. I hang up.)

Okay, let me say this: I do not sympathize with the Russian government in any way. We (and by we, I mean, me) at Jax Book Nook support the Ukrainian people’s fight for freedom. I disavow the use of “Z.com” as this site’s new URL and claim that I never really liked the idea anyway. Besides, why call anything “Z?” What’s that even mean?

You know what letter really conveys challenging ideas and good writing? Y. As in “Why are we here? Why is the world the way that it is? Why isn’t anyone reading this? Why can’t I sell my book?” https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLSVRZN5

You know, the big questions in life. What is that? Write better? You mean actually improve the product I’m trying to sell? No, clearly the problem is that the name isn’t catchy or recognizable enough. It’s definitely not the product being sold. People will read anything with a good enough URL. And a good URL is defined as having one letter.

If you are an author promoting yourself on social media, chances are you have had to trade reviews with other authors, and that means you’ve had to write a few mandatory five-star reviews. I know I have. So, occasionally, I let off steam through satire, as I am now.

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Go For It! by Imran Ebolo-Five Stars

I have to admit, I don’t often read inspirational/self-help books. Guess I’m just a self-motivated person. That being said, I can’t imagine a more effective motivational book than “Go For It!” by Imran Ebolo. You open the first page, and the book tells you right up front to “Go For It! Reach for your Dreams!” That’s all the first page says. It’s also all the second page says. And the 150th page. Indeed, that’s all the book is. The same quote “Go For It! Reach for your Dreams!” for 150 pages.

Now, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea about the formatting or just how repetitive this is. It’s only once per page, and it’s in the center. As a matter of fact, it’s really the same page 150 times in a row. Jack Torrence in the Overlook this is not.

It’s also not less inspiring than other “inspirational” books. I mean, I’ve had to read a couple of these as I’ve waded my way through the world of self-published books in an attempt to promote Beer Run, available here:

And from what I can tell, this book isn’t less effective at motivating people than any other self-help book I’ve found. I mean, the author online has openly admitted he speaks English as a second language, that and he’s actually an AI bot, so I judge him on a curve. Why kick a hardworking immigrant algorithm when he’s down?

Besides, what else do you really need to hear to be motivated? I mean, if you have dreams, and you aren’t following them, I seriously doubt there’s much a random person on the internet could say to you that would convince you to start now. Besides, some people’s dreams aren’t worth following. What if it’s your dream to become history’s most famous serial killer or having the world’s most diverse collection of venereal diseases? Probably better that this book isn’t that inspiring. Somewhere out there is the world’s next Jeffrey Dahmer, and the last thing he needs is motivation.

So, it’s actually good that this book had so little effort put into it and really does nothing other than waste your time and money. I don’t know if I’d want anyone to be really motivated. Come to think of it, reader, don’t reach for your dream. Sit on the couch. Eat potato chips. Watch some more television. Gooooooodddddd………..

Okay, I was going to write something very profound today, but then someone said something about the Lord of the Rings on Quora that was wrong, so I dropped everything and decided to post this instead. What awful thing did they say, Dear Reader, that prompted me to stop what I was doing and post this instead? Just this: they proposed that rather than going East to Rivendell, Sam and Frodo should have gone west to Lindon and then sailed to Gondor to destroy the Ring.

(Thunder Crash! Ominous sound effects! Unsettling bass line!)

The person who made this suggestion shall go unnamed, both because I don’t want to sully his reputation and I never bothered to look at the Quora poster’s name. However, I will tear this suggestion to shreds. No, no Frodo should not have gone West rather than East.

To explain why, I will go over the basic facts. Frodo is traveling with the One Ring. The One Ring created by Sauron, the bad guy, who is of a race called the Maia. They’re part of the Ainur, these angelic creatures created at the beginning of the world, but they’re the lesser Ainur. The important thing is that it’s Sauron’s Ring and he’s kind of a fallen angel, a higher being. So, it’s an open question who can or cannot wield the ring the way Sauron can. Other Maia, like Gandalf, maybe, Elves, it’s likely, Humans, probably not, but who knows. This is important because Gandalf, who refuses the Ring, doesn’t want the Ring to fall into the hands of some being that would be tempted to use it. That’s why he wants Frodo to have the Ring, as a hobbit wouldn’t try to use it, knowing they could not wield it given how small and powerless they are.

So, with this in mind, why wouldn’t it be wise to go to Lindon and then sail to Gondor? Well, first, it should be noted until a council was held with in Rivendell, it had not been decided that the Ring should be destroyed. That was only decided at the Council of Elrond. Now, you could say, wouldn’t a Council held by Cirdan say the same thing? Maybe, but there’s no way to be sure, I would say. Who’s to say that the same people attend? Gimli, Legolas, and Boromir might not have made the trip all the way to the Grey Havens. No way of knowing how this alternate conversation goes.

However, let’s assume that a Council held in the Grey Havens has the same result and they decide to go to Gondor by ship. What’s wrong with that plan, assuming they don’t get intercepted by a Corsair ship from Umbar? (I mention this because it’s a real possibility) Simply that Gandalf did not want the Ring going to Gondor, because he didn’t want anyone to try to wield the Ring!

This is the same mistake people make when they suggest Frodo and Sam could have just asked the Eagles to take them to Mount Doom. Aside from the fact that Mordor had an air force, the Eagles would be tempted to use the Ring because they are also angelic beings. Gandalf wouldn’t have put that into his plan because he would have avoided other higher beings who would be tempted to take the Ring for themselves. If he had not died in Moria, he likely would have told the Fellowship to avoid Lothlorien so to avoid taking the Ring anywhere near Galadriel. Sure, she may have resisted the temptation, but Gandalf wouldn’t have risked it. He wouldn’t have agreed to go through Moria if he knew a Balrog (another fallen Maia) was living there.

As for Gondor, Denethor would be too tempted to use the Ring for Gandalf to allow the Ring to go anywhere near Minas Tirith. This is borne out by Boromir trying to take the Ring from Frodo. Maybe a human can use it, maybe a human can’t, but the Gondorians would clearly think it was worth a try given how Mordor was pounding them. If that Ring goes through Gondor, Denethor is having the Fellowship rerouted to Minas Tirith so he can try it on.

That’s why the Ring can’t go through Gondor. Too much temptation to use the Ring. Indeed, there are so many different people who are tempted to use the Ring in Middle Earth, that really, the only way the Ring could be destroyed is the way that it was. One of the lessons of the story is that power inevitably corrupts, which is why some powers men aren’t meant to have. Gandalf wouldn’t have wanted the Ring anywhere near any person who thought for a minute they could use it to do good, with the narrow exception of himself, and maybe not even that. After all, Gandalf intended to go with Frodo and Sam to Morder, but he obviously got interrupted. If he had gone to Mordor, would he have given into temptation, knowing for a fact he could have wielded the Ring to destroy Sauron? It’s possible. Probably better that the journey went the way it did. Any other, seemingly easier way, and maybe Middle Earth just replaces one dark lord with another.

“Bring him in.”

Disney CEO Mohandas Patel thus commanded his assistants to usher in the talent. They nodded solemnly, though he got the subtle feeling that they dreaded this task. He wondered why. Not everyone got to meet a grade A celebrity like this.

Still, they performed. Patel’s assistants came back a minute later, carrying in their arms the emaciated, desiccated body of Harrison Ford, now 253 years old, kept alive by an unholy mix of genetic reprogramming, cryogenics, and robotics. The two assistants held him by the elbows, or rather, the well-oiled joints of the two steel limbs science had bestowed upon him as a “gift,” right along with his metallic legs, artificial heart, and titanium skull. He was more machine than man now. The only remaining organic part of him, his face, stirred as Patel’s assistants sat Ford down in the leather chair opposite of Patel. His mouth moved, slowly, until he was finally able to form words. A few seconds later, Ford’s electronic vocal cords kicked in.

“Let me die,” the wraith spoke. “Every day I pray to Shiva, let me die.”

“No, no, Mr. Ford,” Patel forbade, holding his hand up in false concern. “We would never let that happen. Our shareholders would have my head. You are a great asset to the company.”

“I would sell my soul for you to unhook me from that blasted device!” Ford moaned.

He was referring to his preservation chamber, right next to the cloning vats where they produced an endless supply of Mouseketeers and the Dybukk box Uncle Walt’s soul supposedly resided in. Patel rolled his eyes.

“The executor of your estate signed a contract, Mr. Ford,” Patel reminded him. “You must perform your most lucrative roles for eternity. In return, your descendants live like kings!”

“Fortune and glory,” Ford muttered. “That’s what they’ve gotten.”

“Yes, they have,” Patel continued. “Which means you will be starring in our latest production: Indiana Jones and the Lost City of Chicago!”

Ford moaned at the thought. It might have brought back bad memories. Ford was alive when Chicago sank into Lake Michigan during that seismic instability a century ago. Patel began to explain the plot. This story would occur fifty years later, where Indiana Jones, now immortal after having shamelessly retrieved the Holy Grail from the wreckage of its final resting place during the seventh sequel, decided he needed a book from his old house, now deep underwater, and would be willing to risk his life in a submersible to get it. Little does he know he is being pursued by a clan of Neo-Incels led by an attractive blonde German woman, a combination which made no sense on its face. The Neo-Incels kidnap Indiana and dangle him above a snake pit in Wrigley Park (how it got there while being underwater for decades no one could tell). Indiana would escape the snake pit, get into a fist fight with a giant Incel who would die in a horrifying way, engage in an absurd chase scene, obtain the book from this shelf, and then go home with Rhys Davies, currently kept in another preservation chamber, making jokes about his name.

“No, no, no,” Ford begged. “This will never work.”

“You don’t believe in the script?” Patel asked, with an evil smile growing on his face. “You will, Mr. Ford, you will become a true believer!”

Patel laughed evilly and held up the script, which exploded into flames. No one would stop them. They would shoot another entry for this franchise, even if the last one caused people’s heads to melt and explode during its opening weekend. Another crappy Indiana Jones movie. Then Ford interrupted Patel’s evil celebration.

“What about the flashback sequence?” he asked.

Patel stopped laughing. The script ceased burning in his hand, as if someone had poured water on it.

“Flashback sequence?” Patel asked.

“Yeah, in every one of these shitty movies you make now, there’s a flashback sequence,” Ford answered. “They de-age me, set the scene back in the 40s, let Indiana fight Nazis again.”

“Yes, we have a scene like that,” Patel admitted, nodding his head gravely. “It’s our way of tormenting the audience by reminding them that you used to be cool.”

“Why not make an entire movie like that?”

“What?”

“Forget this stupid bullshit where Indiana Jones is still alive at the age of 200 or something,” Ford continued. “Just have an entire movie where Indiana’s still young and fighting Nazis. You have the technology to produce that.”

“Well,” Patel stalled. “Some people find that use of CGI to be creepy.”

“Creepier than this?” Ford asked sarcastically, moving his robotic hands over his Frankenstein body. “Look, you’re not going to stop making these movies. I wish you would, but you won’t. So at least make them the best you can. It’s just a new form of animation. I’ll even voice act in it. Just please don’t subject the American public to this again. I mean, you want to make a good movie, don’t you?”

Patel stroked his chin in evident thought. Did he want to make a good movie? He’d come up in the company being taught the Disney way: take previously popular properties and beat them to death until the audience cried for mercy. Maybe there was a better way to make money than just throwing out content like fish chum. Could they actually understand what made these properties great before the company bought them and recover the things audiences loved about them in the past?

“No, I’d rather do this,” Patel responded. “My assistants will wheel you out to the back lot where we’ll be shooting the underwater scene. The submersible is pretty cool. Can you believe the guy we rented it from uses a PlayStation controller to steer it?”

Ford, surprisingly, smiled. He looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes.

“Well, Shiva, looks like you finally got around to answering that prayer.”

You know who gets a bad rap: Darth Vader. I mean, he was complicit in the creation of the Galactic Empire which killed hundreds of millions of people on Alderan alone and likely murdered billions more off screen, but who’s counting? That and he killed little kids at the Jedi temple, but what where the Jedi doing taking kids that young away from their parents anyway? And he tortured his own daughter, though he didn’t know Leia was his daughter when he used that little ball device in Episode IV. Though given how strong with the force he was, I suppose he should have felt bad or something. (Admittedly, most people would feel bad for torturing a teenage girl regardless of other issues.)

Okay, starting over, the main rap against ole’ Darth is that he was supposed to “bring balance to the force” and instead he betrayed the Jedi, helping set up the Galactic Empire in the process. That’s what Obi Wan said on Mustafar.

I think it’s horseshit. Anakin did bring balance to the force. How you might ask? Well, by doing just what he did. Stick with me. There are two sides of the force, right? Light side and dark side. Or pure side and dark side. They really aren’t clear what the good side is called. So for the force to be in balance, the amount of good and evil in the world has to be roughly equal, right?

Episode I, if you can stomach remembering that film, introduces us to the world of the Galactic Republic before the Imperial period. It’s a world where a large part of the Galaxy has been governed peacefully through democratic means for millennia. The Sith haven’t been a factor in a thousand years. We later learn there are currently two of them. By comparison, there are hundreds of Jedi, and they are directly connected to the governing structure of the Republic. The Trade Federation is causing trouble, but they get beat by Jar Jar Binks and a pint size Jedi who accidentally gets stuck in a fighter ship. There’s a lot more good in this world than evil.

By the end of Episode III, that’s all gone. The number of Jedi and Sith are roughly equal. Yoda, Obi-Wan, and apparently, Ashoka, are out there on one side, and the Emperor, Darth Vader, and Darth Maul, are out there on the other. Now, you can argue that with the Galactic Republic becoming the Empire, a polity that has no problems blowing up planets and shooting moisture farmers for fun, the amount of evil in the universe is now greater than the amount of good.

That’s actually kind of a complex question philosophically though. There are arguments that the Empire was on the whole good for the galaxy because it was better able to enforce rules against slavery. I personally am a little skeptical of that. I haven’t seen much evidence that slavery was abolished on Tatooine, as Jabba the Hutt has women in chains in his palace in Return of the Jedi. That being said, while evil, the Empire still performed a lot of the basic functions the Republic did, such as maintaining the peace between systems, enforcing the law, and enabling trade between the various planets. Even a tyrannical government can be said to do some good by performing the normal tasks a government is supposed to do.

In any event, that argument becomes moot by Episode VI. By betraying the emperor, Darth Vader allows the Rebel Alliance to claim a major victory over the Galactic Empire, leading to revolts across the Galaxy. It does not lead to the end of the Empire. From the Mandalorian the Sequel Trilogy, we know that the Empire continues as “imperial holdouts” or “the First Order.” New name, same great service. Return of the Jedi implies the Empire is gone and the galaxy is at peace, but really what has happened is that the Rebellion has blossomed into a full-fledged civil war.

So, in the end, Anakin Skywalker fulfills the prophecy: he has brought balance to the force. At the end of his life, the powers of good and evil are relatively equal in the universe, a situation which guarantees decades of conflict that millions of people will doubtlessly die in. You’re welcome.

This brings us back to the original point: why would the Jedi want there to be balance in the force to begin with? At the beginning of Episode I, evil’s pretty much been beaten, save for a small revolt by some Asian stereotypes. Why would you want balance between good and evil? That’s not like other kinds of balance, like work-life balance, or balancing between recklessness and cowardice. You don’t want a balance between good and evil. You want evil to not exist. That’s because evil is well…evil. Yet the Jedi talk about Anakin like he’s supposed to be some sort of Messiah, and are then surprised when he turns out to be space Hitler. What did they think “bringing balance to the force” meant?

Okay, so I’ve had something happen to me twice in the last month that hasn’t happened to me since I started writing over three years ago. Someone agreed to Beta read my work and then stopped one or two chapters in. I am not going to name names because clearly that’s a dick move, but I do need to ask: is that normal behavior?

Let me set the stage. I have been trying to sell my full length novel, Christmas in Pandemonium, to literary agents for over two years now. I’ve recently decided to go the independent publisher route, going for some of the better known horror indies. This entire book has been through seven or eight beta readers before, and I think about 15 people have read over the first chapter and prologue. However, this guy agrees to beta read my book and then sends it back to me after that first chapter (the one that had already been looked over by 20 or so other readers) and tells me that he just can’t go any further. I won’t go into why other than to say it wasn’t spelling and grammar. I shrugged my shoulder and moved on.

Then it happened again. This time, it was someone from an online critique forum, and he’d already read the first chapter and decided to critique the entire book. By the time he gets to the second chapter, he says it isn’t ready for a complete manuscript review. Once again, based on his comments, spelling and grammar weren’t the issue. Really more stylistic stuff, but he says its not ready.

This time, I was a little peeved. I wrote back. Told him he was rude. I said that while the comments he had so far were valuable, nothing he pointed out seemed like the kind of thing that would cause most rational people to refuse a critique credit. I told him I was surprised he was part of this forum, because I had seen much rougher manuscripts than that and never thought of doing what he did. Then I told him I would review my manuscript and get back to him in two weeks if he still wanted to look at it.

I’ve got to say, the first time this happened, I was a little shocked. As I said, I’ve had 20 people go over that same first chapter and no one reacted that way. Then when the second person does that to me in a month, and with the nitpicks he was basing this off of, I really felt the need to tell him off. Maybe that wasn’t the best way to handle that, but I have this thing about people who demand perfection: they’re assholes.

I’ve had bosses who were like that. I worked for a guy who fired five people before he hired me, fired five people while I was there, fired me, and then fired five people after me. From what I can tell, the firm doesn’t exist anymore. He demanded perfection, and it drove him out of business. What amazed me was that no matter how bad his reputation got or how many people he lost, he refused to train people. Thought it was beneath him.

I guess that’s what annoyed me about these people. Could my book have been better? Yes, that’s why I submitted it to Beta readers. That’s the point of Beta readers. It’s supposed to be about improvement. You don’t need to improve something that’s perfect both because that is what perfect means and also because perfection does not exist in this universe. I’ve read more than enough really bad manuscripts and still given constructive feedback. Jesus actually didn’t have a problem with the Pharisees applying high standards to people. He had a problem with them putting heavy burdens on people without doing anything to help people lift them. To get a little more religious, don’t curse the darkness, strike a match.

So, that’s how I feel. Did I overreact? Have you ever met someone who said they would read something and then throw it back at your face? How did you react?