Jax Book Nook

If you’ve ever tried to sell your book by trading reviews with people, you know that reciprocity is the name of the game. That means you’ve had to write some mandatory five-star reviews. Here’s one that I’ve typed up in hope of getting Beer Run some much-needed publicity:

Fluffy-Wuffy’s Great Adventure is a truly unique book. I’m not being sarcastic. There aren’t that many books whose main character is a cute cartoon rabbit that ends with him plunging a claymore into the heart of an eight-foot-tall, 500-pound archdemon named Astaroth as part of his righteous crusade against the armies of Hell. I mean, you really wouldn’t guess that from the cover, which just shows Fluffy-Wuffy frolicking in the fields with the other critters of Pleasant Meadows.

It’s only when you open up the book and read about how Fluffy-Wuffy and his furry friends, Foxykins and Squirrelypoo, spend their time watching internet porn and telling off color jokes. Other than the racial slurs and other four-letter obscenities which Fluffy-Wuffy spits out like his signature minigun spits out bullets with uranium casing, the language in this book feels like it was intended for a young audience. The author states in the forward, accurately I would guess, that Fluffy-Wuffy’s Great Adventure is at a third grade reading level.

You may be asking how Fully-Wuffy gets involved in fighting an army of demons. You see, Fluffy-Wuffy has to fight the demon army because he summoned them via a black mass where they sacrificed a bear and drew a portal to Hell with its blood. They did it to get even with the farmer for withholding his carrots, but then the demons, being demons, tried to kill all the animals in the forest, and the world, so Fluffy and the gang have to put them down. It’s a little strange for a book with the subtitle “The Power of Friendship!”

This is not to say I dislike the book. It’s actually a real page turner in between all the black magic, murder, and the five-page sex scene (with pictures!). I would recommend to anyone in the furry community. I do wonder who it is aimed at, though. Seems like the author has misconstrued his target audience. I mean, sure, lots of boys in grade school would love to read this book, but their mothers probably wouldn’t appreciate someone giving them access to it. It could be a great gag gift!

Judged purely as a piece of literature, and without asking any questions about whether it is appropriate for certain age demographics, Fluffy Wuffy’s Great Adventure is an action-adventure thriller full of action, romance, and a minimal amount of cannibalism. Five Stars!

I have submitted Beer Run to Beta readers. I got one bite for a review of the full novel. If anyone reading this would like to volunteer for another full review, please let me know and we can get in contact. Several more have critiqued the opening chapters I submitted for review on the online workshop “Critters.” Generally, I am getting reviews.

By the way, if you are an aspiring writer, Critters Workshop really is a great resource. Finding beta readers outside of a workshop can be very difficult. That’s because getting your friends, family, and people you meet online to read your book can be nearly impossible. The best man at my wedding couldn’t get past the first page of my book, which might be indicative of my writing, but is more likely to be caused by the fact that he was really busy. Fact is, you have to offer something to people if you want help from them. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. That’s the way the world works.

Back to Beer Run II. The book centers on a ridiculous online conspiracy theory called the “Great Reckoning,” believed by the Lunatics, those nutty lunar nationalists introduced in the last book. Under this theory, our main character, Bill Stiltson, is a bloodthirsty cannibal who uses his brewery as a front to lure unsuspecting people in, knock them out, and eat them. Incensed by this theory, a group of Lunatics attack Bill’s brewery, leading him to look into a lawsuit against the conspirators. However, after hiring his intern, Jimmy, as a private investigator, Bill begins to worry when Jimmy starts to get a little too involved in his new job with the Great Reckoning’s main con artist: Cody Duncan.

If that interests anyone, I’d be happy to send you a manuscript for review. I’d love to hear from you.

Hi, I’ve got a question for you. When was the last time you italicized a character’s inner thoughts? When was the last time you read another author who italicized a character’s inner thoughts? I legitimately think I may have gone a lifetime, that’s 37 years so far, without seeing it. I cannot remember ever picking up a book when I was young, or when I was middle aged, and seeing a character’s inner thoughts italicized. If I had, I would have wondered if there was something wrong with the guy who wrote this. Like, “did he have a stroke” wrong.

I have, since May, had three people tell me that inner thoughts should be italicized. I read one of their books, and sure enough, they did it. It was really annoying, but they did it. It was really strange to see, but since then, I’ve had a beta reader and an independent publisher say the same thing. This is despite the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever heard this rule before, and I can’t remember any authors that actually followed it. I checked various online dictionaries, and they said you could italicize inner thoughts, though there were other ways to set them off. Generally, you could italicize or you could add a “thought” tag like “she thought”‘ or “she mused.”

I just find the whole idea to be bizarre. Italicization exists to emphasize that which is important. Assuredly, not every stray thought you have is important. I can vouch that most of mine are relatively asinine. Whenever I actually read this guy’s book where he italicized every direct thought every character had for 500 pages, I just stopped noticing the italicization. Overuse causes different fonts to lose any meaning. And this guy wrote about some very “thoughtful” people.

I’m not doing this. This is one rule of “good” writing I’m not following. I applied to that independent publisher and kept my thought unitalicized. It’s dumb, and I’m not doing it. I feel like this rule of writing was created by a committee of English professors meeting in Antartica at 2 am on Groundhog’s Day with the specific intent of tripping people up. You can take your italicization and shove it.

Hello, everyone. As you know, I’ve been shopping my full-length novel, Christmas in Pandemonium, around independent publishers after striking out with literary agents. I’ve sent out a few queries. Feeling around.

One thing has occurred to me: I should start my own independent publishing company. No, I don’t mean self-publishing. This is traditional publishing, but I’m publishing my own work first. I guess you could call it self-publishing, but if you did, I would sue you for defamation because that is a slander against my resume as a writer.

Will I publish other people’s works? Of course, but I am only accepting submissions during certain open submission windows. The last open submission window was this morning between 1 am and 1:05 am. The response was so overwhelming, I don’t think we’ll have another open response window for the next fifty years or so. It might take me half that long to publish all the very worthy manuscripts I received. Maybe I should hire some people to help me, but I am dedicated to maintaining a small, boutique press.

I really do think you will like some of the work we are putting out. When I made my first call for submissions, I expected to receive a bunch of poorly constructed, trite novels based on cliched premises with spelling and grammatical errors up and down the first page, and not just because I was mainly publishing my own work. However, I’ve was surprised to find finely edited masterpieces that introduced brand new ideas never before used in the history of literature while dealing with deep themes about man’s relationship with nature, God, and his fellow man. I rejected most of those ideas, however, as they did fit into the subgenre I was looking for: novels about transgender space aliens who enter into chess tournaments to win enough money to buy diamond studded mud flaps for their spaceships.

The selections I put out will no doubt be best sellers whenever it is that I get them out. That theoretically could be never, as I don’t have much time in between a full-time job as an attorney, raising a family, and working on my own books. As I told the lucky few authors I have accepted, expect to get an edited version of your work some time in between now and the heat death of the universe.

Now, you may doubt my dedication to the publishing business. This is rational, as a I have none. Much like Homer Simpson when he started that web site in the late 90s, I’m really just hoping to get bought out, though hopefully this won’t end with Bill Gates trashing my house. If I cause enough of a stink, maybe Penguin Books will pay me $5 million to shut the hell up. It may help if I may the company’s web site so cryptic, no one will be able to determine who am I, where the company is located, or what books we actually publish, if any. Maybe I should ask Billy McFarland on some tips as to how to raise publicity for a complete non-event. After he gets out of prison, of course.

Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have the talent, the drive, the money, or the hutzpah to start a legitimate publishing company. I should start a vanity publishing company and take people’s money to “publish” their books through Amazon, like, you know, a pyramid scheme.

What’s that? Maybe I should try to make money the “honest” way? We’ll, I’ve got to admit. That thought had not occurred to me. No, really, that’s the first time someone suggested that to me in my entire life. I was raised by coyotes. Huh. Maybe. In the meantime, check out Solstice Publishing, who published my novella, Beer Run. Their website is available here: https://solsticeempire.com/

Thanks to everyone who watched my interview with Matt Gabrielson on YouTube. If you haven’t seen it, it’s not like anyone has taken it down. You can still find it here.

That being said, I have a few other pots in the fire. First, my magnum opus, my precious child, other than my actual children, Christmas in Pandemonium has gone through its final edits before I start submitting it to Indie Publishers. The manuscript is ready, I just need to start preparing the application materials and sending out applications. If anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

My other pot is Beer Run II: The Great Reckoning, which I have just submitted to beta readers for the first time. After I get reviews and make adjustments, I’ll submit it to Solstice Publishing. Solstice published the original Beer Run, which you can buy here.

Beer Run II will center on the Lunatics: those xenophobic lunar nativists who nearly caused the moon to secede from the Democratic Union of Planets in the first book. They come up with a new conspiracy theory, and Bill Stiltson’s at the center of it.

Finally, I will be signing copies of Beer Run at the West Virginia Book Festival in Charleston, West Virginia on Saturday, October 21. Maybe some of my readers could meet me there.

My interview with Matt Gabrielson about Beer Run, the writing process, and balancing writing, family, and work is up on YouTube. Take a look.

Hey, I’ve got an interview with Matt Gabrielson on his YouTube channel about Beer Run coming up! I will release new details about when this interview will be released on his channel as things develop. In the meantime, check out Matt’s YouTube Channel! Matt Gabrielson – YouTube

Hello everyone, I’ve made a decision as Chief Executive Officer of Jax Book Nook. You see, the numbers have come in, and this blog isn’t making me a millionaire any time soon. Maybe you’re thinking “Jack, what was the likelihood of that happening anyway? This can’t be your big plan.” Well, let me answer that concern: shut up.

In order to increase the visibility of my brand, I’m renaming my site. From this day forward, Jax Book Nook shall hereafter be known as “X.com.” This sleek, hip new URL will no doubt attract additional eyeballs and turn this failing, forgotten blog into an online powerhouse. “X” is just a cool letter. It reminds the mind of the word “extreme,” which is no doubt why it was plastered everywhere in the 1990s, American’s golden era. Now I only need to sit here and wait for the money to roll in.

(Phone rings. I pick up. Worried yelling on the other side. My face drops. I hang up.)

Attention! I just received a call from legal, and it appears that the name “X.com” has been taken recently. I swear I was unaware of this and could not have foreseen it. Come to think of it, naming a website “X.com” is pretty lame. Is it supposed to be edgy? Didn’t that whole thing get cliched in the 1990s? And that was over twenty years ago! Jeez, glad I dodged that bullet.

Now that we’re past that bad idea, I would like to announce my intention to rename Jax Book Nook as “Z.com.” Now, Z, that’s a good letter. It’s the last letter of the alphabet, and rarely used, so it’s exotic and draws the eye. That’s why savy advertisers replace “s” with “z” when advertising to kids. Makes the word look radical.

(Phone rings again. I pick up. Angry bitching on the other side. I wipe some sweat off my brow. I hang up.)

Okay, let me say this: I do not sympathize with the Russian government in any way. We (and by we, I mean, me) at Jax Book Nook support the Ukrainian people’s fight for freedom. I disavow the use of “Z.com” as this site’s new URL and claim that I never really liked the idea anyway. Besides, why call anything “Z?” What’s that even mean?

You know what letter really conveys challenging ideas and good writing? Y. As in “Why are we here? Why is the world the way that it is? Why isn’t anyone reading this? Why can’t I sell my book?” https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLSVRZN5

You know, the big questions in life. What is that? Write better? You mean actually improve the product I’m trying to sell? No, clearly the problem is that the name isn’t catchy or recognizable enough. It’s definitely not the product being sold. People will read anything with a good enough URL. And a good URL is defined as having one letter.

If you are an author promoting yourself on social media, chances are you have had to trade reviews with other authors, and that means you’ve had to write a few mandatory five-star reviews. I know I have. So, occasionally, I let off steam through satire, as I am now.

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Go For It! by Imran Ebolo-Five Stars

I have to admit, I don’t often read inspirational/self-help books. Guess I’m just a self-motivated person. That being said, I can’t imagine a more effective motivational book than “Go For It!” by Imran Ebolo. You open the first page, and the book tells you right up front to “Go For It! Reach for your Dreams!” That’s all the first page says. It’s also all the second page says. And the 150th page. Indeed, that’s all the book is. The same quote “Go For It! Reach for your Dreams!” for 150 pages.

Now, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea about the formatting or just how repetitive this is. It’s only once per page, and it’s in the center. As a matter of fact, it’s really the same page 150 times in a row. Jack Torrence in the Overlook this is not.

It’s also not less inspiring than other “inspirational” books. I mean, I’ve had to read a couple of these as I’ve waded my way through the world of self-published books in an attempt to promote Beer Run, available here:

And from what I can tell, this book isn’t less effective at motivating people than any other self-help book I’ve found. I mean, the author online has openly admitted he speaks English as a second language, that and he’s actually an AI bot, so I judge him on a curve. Why kick a hardworking immigrant algorithm when he’s down?

Besides, what else do you really need to hear to be motivated? I mean, if you have dreams, and you aren’t following them, I seriously doubt there’s much a random person on the internet could say to you that would convince you to start now. Besides, some people’s dreams aren’t worth following. What if it’s your dream to become history’s most famous serial killer or having the world’s most diverse collection of venereal diseases? Probably better that this book isn’t that inspiring. Somewhere out there is the world’s next Jeffrey Dahmer, and the last thing he needs is motivation.

So, it’s actually good that this book had so little effort put into it and really does nothing other than waste your time and money. I don’t know if I’d want anyone to be really motivated. Come to think of it, reader, don’t reach for your dream. Sit on the couch. Eat potato chips. Watch some more television. Gooooooodddddd………..

Okay, I was going to write something very profound today, but then someone said something about the Lord of the Rings on Quora that was wrong, so I dropped everything and decided to post this instead. What awful thing did they say, Dear Reader, that prompted me to stop what I was doing and post this instead? Just this: they proposed that rather than going East to Rivendell, Sam and Frodo should have gone west to Lindon and then sailed to Gondor to destroy the Ring.

(Thunder Crash! Ominous sound effects! Unsettling bass line!)

The person who made this suggestion shall go unnamed, both because I don’t want to sully his reputation and I never bothered to look at the Quora poster’s name. However, I will tear this suggestion to shreds. No, no Frodo should not have gone West rather than East.

To explain why, I will go over the basic facts. Frodo is traveling with the One Ring. The One Ring created by Sauron, the bad guy, who is of a race called the Maia. They’re part of the Ainur, these angelic creatures created at the beginning of the world, but they’re the lesser Ainur. The important thing is that it’s Sauron’s Ring and he’s kind of a fallen angel, a higher being. So, it’s an open question who can or cannot wield the ring the way Sauron can. Other Maia, like Gandalf, maybe, Elves, it’s likely, Humans, probably not, but who knows. This is important because Gandalf, who refuses the Ring, doesn’t want the Ring to fall into the hands of some being that would be tempted to use it. That’s why he wants Frodo to have the Ring, as a hobbit wouldn’t try to use it, knowing they could not wield it given how small and powerless they are.

So, with this in mind, why wouldn’t it be wise to go to Lindon and then sail to Gondor? Well, first, it should be noted until a council was held with in Rivendell, it had not been decided that the Ring should be destroyed. That was only decided at the Council of Elrond. Now, you could say, wouldn’t a Council held by Cirdan say the same thing? Maybe, but there’s no way to be sure, I would say. Who’s to say that the same people attend? Gimli, Legolas, and Boromir might not have made the trip all the way to the Grey Havens. No way of knowing how this alternate conversation goes.

However, let’s assume that a Council held in the Grey Havens has the same result and they decide to go to Gondor by ship. What’s wrong with that plan, assuming they don’t get intercepted by a Corsair ship from Umbar? (I mention this because it’s a real possibility) Simply that Gandalf did not want the Ring going to Gondor, because he didn’t want anyone to try to wield the Ring!

This is the same mistake people make when they suggest Frodo and Sam could have just asked the Eagles to take them to Mount Doom. Aside from the fact that Mordor had an air force, the Eagles would be tempted to use the Ring because they are also angelic beings. Gandalf wouldn’t have put that into his plan because he would have avoided other higher beings who would be tempted to take the Ring for themselves. If he had not died in Moria, he likely would have told the Fellowship to avoid Lothlorien so to avoid taking the Ring anywhere near Galadriel. Sure, she may have resisted the temptation, but Gandalf wouldn’t have risked it. He wouldn’t have agreed to go through Moria if he knew a Balrog (another fallen Maia) was living there.

As for Gondor, Denethor would be too tempted to use the Ring for Gandalf to allow the Ring to go anywhere near Minas Tirith. This is borne out by Boromir trying to take the Ring from Frodo. Maybe a human can use it, maybe a human can’t, but the Gondorians would clearly think it was worth a try given how Mordor was pounding them. If that Ring goes through Gondor, Denethor is having the Fellowship rerouted to Minas Tirith so he can try it on.

That’s why the Ring can’t go through Gondor. Too much temptation to use the Ring. Indeed, there are so many different people who are tempted to use the Ring in Middle Earth, that really, the only way the Ring could be destroyed is the way that it was. One of the lessons of the story is that power inevitably corrupts, which is why some powers men aren’t meant to have. Gandalf wouldn’t have wanted the Ring anywhere near any person who thought for a minute they could use it to do good, with the narrow exception of himself, and maybe not even that. After all, Gandalf intended to go with Frodo and Sam to Morder, but he obviously got interrupted. If he had gone to Mordor, would he have given into temptation, knowing for a fact he could have wielded the Ring to destroy Sauron? It’s possible. Probably better that the journey went the way it did. Any other, seemingly easier way, and maybe Middle Earth just replaces one dark lord with another.