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Another Complete Distraction from Pandemonium
I’m supposed to be promoting Christmas in Pandemonium (Coming out October 15!) right now, but I’m supposed to be doing a lot of things right now. Instead, I’m griping about a relatively new phenomenon: Halloween Creep. Yes, you’ve heard of Christmas Creep. This is its ridiculous cousin.
So, I picked my kid up from daycare on Friday, and I see they’ve already got Halloween decorations out on the front lawn of the daycare…and in the hallways…and in the classrooms. Yesterday, we took the kids to Home Depot, and they’ve already set up a huge display of Halloween decorations (you know, the really creepy ones) towards the front of the store. The Halloween Express has already opened in the mini-mall next to my home. People, we’re a week from Labor Day. People should not be celebrating Halloween this early.
As you may know if you’ve read this blog before (and if you have, hey Tom) I’ve taken a stand against Christmas creep, which is the practice of celebrating Christmas in November. Previously, I’ve used Halloween as an example of a superior holiday, one which is less coercive and therefore, more fun than the mandatory cheerfulness of Christmas. Then I decided to release a book called Christmas in Pandemonium in October, making me a massive hypocrite. Oh well.
The problem as I see it is that we are quickly turning Halloween into Christmas insofar as we are celebrating it earlier and earlier every year, for obviously commercial reasons. I don’t think that our premature yard decorations have anything to do with Halloween being declared part of secondary Triduum by the Vatican, do you? This will ruin Halloween through overexposure and subtle cultural pressure to conform much like it ruined Christmas, and much like Thanksgiving couldn’t stop Christmas, Labor Day won’t be able to forestall pumpkin carving in August.
You can almost see corporate America’s plan now, can’t you? Did you notice that they start hanging American flags everywhere almost immediately after Easter? Oh, they say it’s for VE Day, which gives them a good excuse to leave them up until VJ Day. With the 4th of July, Memorial Day, and now Juneteenth in between, we may as well call Summer the patriotic months and just get used to corporations selling us Red, White, and Blue paper plates, nick-nacks, and stuffed bears for a solid four months.
That’s not even getting into Easter, where they start selling you the Bunny-themed material in February, or what used to be called Lent rather ironically. With Christmas beginning in November and ending mid-January, all you need is Valentine’s Day for a month (sorry St. Patrick) and now the retailers have gotten us into permanent holiday mode. Hell, maybe even Valentine’s Day will get phased out, and then you have four holiday seasons, covering the entire year, approximately three months each. The Four and Half Holidays of the Shopocalypse will soon dominate American Culture.
We don’t need longer holiday seasons; we need more holidays with more traditions. Unfortunately, while Capitalism has a lot of advantages, it has the disadvantage of steering popular culture to whatever marketing executive think will make the most money. I think we need to claw back a healthier holiday culture.
Also, buy Christmas in Pandemonium on October 15!
Shameless, just shameless.
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A Brief History of the Island and Town of Pandemonium Part IV
Thanks again to SJackson, whose real name is Mary Schmidt, for the Beer Run review. You all should look up Mary’s work. I recently read “Her Alibi” and it isn’t bad. Here’s the last part of our brief history of Pandemonium:
The 1970s and 1980s were periods of change for the city of Pandemonium. Alister Grimsley began a reform within the Satanic Temple to dispatch with the need of a literal Satan. Satan was now a metaphor for worldly success, and worship was merely a means to an end in this. In modern capitalist society, there are better ways to achieve worldly power than sacrificing a goat at 3 am on a Sunday. Witch society would concentrate on raising children to pursue ambitious careers with the same reckless abandon that Cramner and his followers pursued Earthly power on their own terms. Most Witches were happy with this change, as few of them really believed in the existence of Satan. However, as time went on, fewer and fewer of the Witches actually attended the Satanic ceremonies. If Satan was not real, why was it necessary? Those that did attend increasingly gave reasons such as “tradition” or “I grew up in this temple.”
Following Whitfield’s death, the Strangers took a different tact. The Witches’ faith was about Earthly power, which could be accomplished without any resort to worship at all. The Strangers claimed to be a Christian church, however, and the rejection of their community by the wide Christian world left them deeply shaken. In addition to this, a new study by Cramner University disturbed the Stranger community greatly. In the hey days of the turbulent 1970s, the youth of the community started to engage in certain activities disapproved of by their elders: drugs, pre-marital sex, and loud music. Researchers at Cramner did a survey of teenagers in the 1970s and found that drug use, sexual activity, and crime rates were higher among the Stranger youth than among the Witch youth. Add to this the fact that the Stranger part of town became notorious in the same decade for hosting the town’s only pornographic theater, and the Strangers were forced to confront the question of what they really believed for the first time in 300 years.
In light of these developments, finding a replacement turned out to be more difficult than expected. The elders of the church interviewed one churchman after another, but many expressed doubts about their faith similar to the Witches about whether God existed, whether God favored this church, or even if the Stranger Church deserved to exist. After the negative reception that Pandemonium received in the 1950s upon the Witches’ coming out, recruiting an outsider for a pastor was virtually impossible.
Just when it appeared that all hope was lost, a young man all the way from County Antrim in Ulster called the Stranger Church specifically to say he wanted the job.[1] Surprised to receive aid from so far away but delighted to have an interested candidate, the trustees of the church invited Atticus MacDonald for an interview, paying for his flight. MacDonald did not disappoint, as he aced the interview, indicating both a real grasp of theology and presence on the pulpit. MacDonald began his life as a Presbyterian, but later in life entertained doubts about the doctrine of double predestination and soon had to leave the Reformed church tradition. He had been educated at Trinity College in Dublin and had already served five years as a Presbyterian minister in Belfast. This made him a perfect fit for the Strangers, as MacDonald was educated, experienced, and, in a stroke of providence, theologically in line with Robert Winthrop’s practical theology. MacDonald had only one condition, namely that a male friend of his be allowed to come with him. This made the elders somewhat nervous, as other religious communities had dealt with the issue of underground homosexuality among their clergy. When they explained their reservations to MacDonald, he laughed and told them this was not the case between himself and his friend at all. His friend, you see, had an unusual condition that meant he could not live just anywhere, but could only live on the grounds of a desecrated church.
“A desecrated church? What are you implying?” asked one scandalized elder.
“Excuse me, sir, but as I understand your history, you built your church right on top of the ground where you burned that poor woman to death using the wood of the ship where you decided to commit that heinous act, did you not?” asked MacDonald.
“Well, yes, I mean, our ancestors did that, but does that make our church desecrated?”
“I mean no offense,” MacDonald said. “I only hope to do a favor for a friend.”
MacDonald called in a disheveled, dark-haired young man wearing a black coat and grey scarf, beckoning him to introduce himself to the elders. The young man called himself Theophilus, or Theo for short, though this was an assumed name, and he spoke with a noticeable but not thick Irish accent, unaffected by any Scottish influence, unlike his Orangeman companion. He thanked the trustees for having him here and said that he and MacDonald were not “buggerers” as he called them, but rather very good friends who had been through a few scraps together. Theo promised he would be out of the way, as he was content to sleep in the crypt. His only requirement being the importation of a few crates of peat bog from “back home,” which he said would help him sleep. The Stranger elders discussed it amongst themselves, and agreed that while this was highly unusual, MacDonald was the best candidate, so as long as this Theo character kept to himself (and perhaps bathed). MacDonald thanked the elders, and began as pastor in December of 1982.
Of course, we must briefly consider the tragedy that occurred in Fieldhand church in 1979. However, once again, this book is written for the purpose of strengthening civic pride. Having been alive during those times and remembering the great anguish Pastor William Walker’s actions brought to this community, I would argue some things are best left unsaid. I am sure Pastor Overstreet would agree about this.
The Ze’ev had their own brief flirtation with fame when a camera crew from a local news station captured a Ze’ev transforming on camera, leading to a Ken Burns documentary about the now famous Ashkenazi sect. Scientists flocked to Pandemonium to try to find some scientific basis for these famous transformations. None has ever been forthcoming. The Rabbi Maharam has speculated that none will ever be found as not everything is within the limits of human reason.
Finally, this brief history must come to an end, so it may well come to an end with the Author, who succeeded Fr. Grimsley to the position of Satanic High Priest in March of 1997, a position he holds to this very day. Much like Grimsley before him, the Author sees himself as less a servant of dark powers and more a caretaker of history, which is why he has decided to write this brief history. Our ancestors’ practices may be offensive to us today, but we stand on their shoulders.
If the reader fears for the Author’s immortal soul, he or she is entitled to such beliefs, but for what it is worth, the Author does not share the same fears. He has attended Satanic ceremonies since his birth, either as a congregant or as a celebrant, and nothing has ever occurred. No possessions, no floating objects, no disembodied voices. Nothing happens. There is nothing to fear, which is why if the reader is in town the Author invites him to our services every Sunday at 10 am. Few believe in this sort of thing anymore, but the reader can witness a unique historical ceremony with deep roots in America.[2] The Author, conscious of the fact that he has monopolized this brief history, will now allow the other religious leaders of the community have the final words.
Pastor Atticus MacDonald of the Stranger’s Church
I thank my adversary[3] for giving me this space. His decision to mention my friend Theophilus must sound strange to you, but Fr. Ravenwood has always held a small grudge against me for bringing Theo here. Theo rubs some people the wrong way. Fr. Ravenwood commonly refers to my friend as “he who lowers property values.” We at the Strangers’ church have taken it upon ourselves to try to convert Theo and convince him to wear a nice shirt every once in a while. Alas, neither lesson has stuck, but hope springs eternal.
I find no serious historical inaccuracies with Fr. Ravenwood’s brief history,[4] only a serious inaccuracy in his description of my theological opinions. Fr. Ravenwood claims that I was selected for this position because my theology was similar to that of Robert Winthrop. Nothing could be further from the truth for the very simple reason that I actually hold my beliefs. Fr. Ravenwood’s brief history makes it clear the Winthrop did not actually believe what he preached. This is what Fr. Ravenwood means when he says that Winthrop was not seeking to obtain some “metaphysical truth.” Based on my conversations with him, Fr. Ravenwood appears to be a closer disciple of Winthrop than I am, though I do believe in a creed remarkably similar to the one Winthrop promulgated. He may have taught better than he knew, which may also be said of the Drunkard. I have been the Pastor of the Stranger Church for 38 years and one thing I have tried to emphasize is that ideas matter. The way we think the world is shapes the way we behave in it, or at least it ought to. For this reason, I hope you do not attend Fr. Ravenwood’s service at 10 am this Sunday, or any Sunday. Come to my church. Come to Pastor Overstreet’s church. Have coffee with Rabbi Maharam that Sunday morning. Sleep in. Whatever you do, don’t attend a faux worship service for the Devil. I doubt he will appear, but what will disappear is an hour of your time, and for all you know you don’t have many of them left. Remember death.
Pastor Darrell Overstreet of the Church of the Tobacco Fields
Throughout the South, people claim they are defending history. History is important. Fr. Ravenwood thinks history is important, and I agree with him. What causes me dismay is Fr. Ravenwood’s insistence on retelling that history with vast holes in it. Fr. Ravenwood tells the story of my congregation using the word “slave” only once. The ship that brought us was involved in “Migration and Importation of Such Persons.” The unconscionable cruelties of Beauregard Davis are given two footnotes. Fr. Ravenwood says the Witches offered no resistance to military occupation, but skips over the March Massacre of 1888 where a Witch militia destroyed a thriving African-American business sector out of jealousy and hate. Jim Crow is barely given word. Fr. Ravenwood glosses over the long history of segregation and racial violence in this city, the legacy of which remains with us today.
Should we move on? Our faith does not teach us to move on, it teaches us to forgive. Forgiveness, however, must be accepted by the guilty party, and the guilty party will often refuse forgiveness by failing to acknowledge they need it. I actually know the Davis family quite well. They are a good family. I would say a friend of the church, though I have yet to get one of them to join.[5] Their cooperation was invaluable in allowing Mr. Coleridge to write his book, giving him full access to the old plantation house. I encourage any visitor to buy his book as a necessary counterbalance to this rosy, whitewashed history produced by Fr. Ravenwood.
Rabbi Maharam of Temple Ze’ev
I thank Fr. Ravenwood for giving me this opportunity to welcome potential visitors to our town. I invite all visitors to Pandemonium to come to the old Ze’ev marketplace and learn the history of a unique immigrant community whose descendants are living the American dream. We are not the only Jews in the South, but there are few people who can say this unironically: Shalom y’all. A great deal of this history is dedicated to our monthly transformation, which we received many questions about in the 1990s due to the Ken Burns documentary. By now, I assumed it was old news. Yes, if you come during a certain time of the month,[6] you can see quite a show, but that is only one part of our community.
One thing to note about Fr. Ravenwood’s brief history, namely the initial plan in 1970 to build the courthouse with only three doors: yes, we objected to three doors being too few while the Fieldhands objected to three doors being too many. Somehow four doors was just right. I remember that time, and I remember being insulted at the insinuation that we weren’t real Pandemonians. Of course, Pastor Whitfield and Fr. Grimsley never meant to insinuate such a thing, they were just forgetful that’s all. But it was important to correct, because identity is important. Every man must ask himself, who am I? And because no man is an island,[7] most of the time this means asking, who are we? The Ze’ev are both citizens of Pandemonium and people separate, set apart. Thank you for your time, and if you do find yourself on our side of the island, I suggest David’s Chophouse, if you’ve never tried Jewish barbecue.
Statement by the Diocese of Charleston
The Diocese of Charleston objects to the publication of this brief history at a time when no priest has currently been selected for St. Michael the Archangel parish. We mourn Fr. Timothy’s death. May eternal light shine upon him. Any invocation of Satan risks summoning the demonic presence. We condemn Fr. Ravenwood’s actions and any ceremony performed at the Second Satanic Temple to invoke Satan. A new priest for St. Michael’s will be forthcoming.
[1] He had heard about the job through an article in the New York Times centered on the now famous church’s troubles in finding a new minister.
[2] Subject to certain revisions over time such as the replacement of human sacrifice with the crushing of a bug.
[3] The term Satan means adversary, which is why it is so appropriate our communities have been at loggerhead for so long. While the Red Devils may have won the last game, Winthrop leads the Blood Bowl series overall 68-60-3.
[4] There are no inaccuracies, but as Pastor Overstreet makes clear, there may be certain important omissions. Many of the more elderly members of my church would no doubt blanche at Fr. Ravenwood’s rosy description of Col. Davis’s massacre of surrendering Stranger soldiers, but personally having found Col. Davis to be a more complex historical character than that action would demonstrate, better to leave certain things in the past.
[5] As Pastor MacDonald says, “Hope springs eternal.”
[6] Get your mind out of the gutter.
[7] Did you like that? I came up with it myself.
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Beer Run Review and Part III of A Brief History of the Island and Town of Pandemonium.
Hey, everyone! S. Jackson has written a review of Beer Run, and since this blog technically exists to promote Beer Run (I mean very technically) I thought I would repost that review here: Beer Run | When Angels Fly. Thank you Ms. Jackson, I really appreciate the visibility.
Now that I’ve done my perfunctory Beer Run promotion, let’s get back to recounting the history of Pandemonium:
Any survey of religion before the Revolution would be incomplete without talking about the Fieldhands and their quest to found their own church despite their unfortunate condition. Practitioners of the peculiar institution throughout the American South attempted to carefully control religious ceremonies on their estates, where pastors would preach the virtue of obedience. However, despite their best efforts, American blacks would often hold their own religious services where African spirituality mixed with Christian concepts, a practice that southern society attempted to limit. Pandemonium, however, was a very different town from other places in the American South. When Jacob Freeman, a freeman who had participated in these illicit religious ceremonies while on a plantation on the mainland, came to Pandemonium and preached the Christian faith to the Fieldhands in the first time, the Witch establishment could not care less. The Witch religion centered on Earthly power, which the Witches wanted the Fieldhands to have no part of, so the Witches never tried to convert the Fieldhands to their own faith. Furthermore, the Satanic High Priest at that time, Cornelius Blackroot, found the Christian religion to teach a “slave morality,” using that term 150 years before Friedrich Nietzsche, which would be most useful in preventing any revolt, and encouraged Witches to allow the Fieldhands to be evangelized. Jacob Freeman began the Fieldhand religious tradition without even the benefit of a church building, gathering his congregation together on Sunday mornings in the tobacco fields.
After the Revolution, the Bargain was amended again to remove any restrictions for either side to move across the line. This legal change had little practical impact, as the law was rarely enforced, but it did open up the possibility of the Strangers sending missionaries to the Witches, as legal restrictions of freedom of religion were going out of style. However, evangelizing and just talking about religion in public was going out of style as well, so custom now forbade what the law now allowed just as custom allowed what the law previously forbade.
The most significant events in Pandemonium between the Revolution and the end of the Civil War are the revolt of Calvin Johnson in 1831, which led to the death of 250 people, and the destruction of the First Satanic Temple in 1857, which led to the deaths of 496 people. As a local historian, the Author writes for the purpose of promoting civic pride. I acknowledge both of these unfortunate events and wish they had not happened. However, dwelling on the past does not help our community move forward. That was a different time and those events do not represent the town we are now. Other books have been written on this topic that go into further detail if the reader is interested.[1]
The Civil War changed Pandemonium just as it changed the rest of America. Residents of Pandemonium served on both sides of the Civil War, none more prominent than CSA Col. Robert Davis, who served under General Robert E. Lee himself at the battle of Gettysburg. The Witches supported the confederacy throughout the conflict, as their agricultural economy depended on the existence of the South’s current labor force. The Pro-Union Strangers, on the other hand, rioted when the Confederacy attempted to impose a draft on the area. A Stranger militia conducted the Revolt of 1865, hoping to aid the Union by creating an enclave behind enemy lines. This foolish attempt to imitate the mountaineers of West Virginia was quickly crushed by Col. Davis’s own troops.
After the War of Between the States, the Witch community made the collective decision to establish a sense of Victorian respectability. The Witches completed the Second Satanic Temple[2] in 1882. Rather than the underground pit built more than a century earlier, the Second Satanic Temple was a white, rectangular building with Roman columns and a slanted roof with a steeple on top and stained-glass windows. Any passerby could mistake it for a Baptist Church. The liturgy changed as well, substituting the sacrifice of a rabbit for the sacrifice of a goat. America is a great country, and even those outsiders at the furthest reaches want to assimilate. Unlike a great number in the South, the Witches put up scant resistance to military occupation or Reconstruction, though they were glad to see both come to an end.
The Fieldhands, it goes without saying, had greatly improved social standing following the war. The Fieldhands gathered in the Southwest side of the island where Beauregard Davis’s western plantation was and the Witches remained on the Southeast side of the island. For the first time, the Church of the Tobacco Fields benefitted from having a church building with a roof and four walls, located over the very spot in the tobacco fields where Jacob Freeman began his ministry more than a century before. During Reconstruction, one Fieldhand, Marvin Jackson, served two terms in the South Carolina legislature.
But by far, the most significant event in Pandemonium to occur in the latter half of the Nineteenth Century was the coming of the Ze’ev. A fringe Jewish sect from what is now the Czech Republic, the Ze’ev fled persecution in their home country and came to America to make a new life for themselves. Today, few could imagine our town without the Ze’ev who have produced so many doctors, lawyers, judges, bankers, businessmen, philanthropists, rabbis, professors, and others who have enriched this community so much. We have learned to tolerate their oddities. However, when the first members of the Ze’ev arrived on the Northeastern side of the Island on August 12, 1892, the Strangers valued tolerance less than they do now. Natives of the island looked askance at the haggard refugees wearing rags, carrying all they owned in a sack. The Ze’ev knew little English, and their religious customs unnerved the Strangers, who had tolerated Witches for more than two and a half centuries and were unlikely to relish the possibility of more unbelievers on the island. Pastor Peter Whitfield tried to calm down his congregation, concentrating on the Good Book’s passages concerning love and forgiveness. He told those men that those who live by the sword die by the sword, and if they lived by the sword, they would die by it too. However, Christianity is a philosophy many identify with but few practice, so the Strangers ignored their Pastor’s pleas to think reasonably and formed a lynch mob of fifty people to go to the Ze’ev one night on a full moon.
Five of the lynch mob came back alive, covered in large gaping wounds, bleeding profusely from every seam of the body imaginable. Pastor Whitfield was at a loss for words. He had hoped that his previous warning would strike a prophetic tone, but in the Christian context prophecy does not equal divination. However, the Rabbi Eliyahu came to visit a visibly shaken Pastor Whitfield the following morning in order to explain what had happened. The Rabbi told the Pastor that his people suffered from a blessing and a curse (“For what blessing from the Lord is not also a curse, and what curse from the Lord is not also a blessing?”) that the Lord had bestowed upon them in the old country as a protection from their enemies. This blessing and curse would come upon all members of the Ze’ev 18 or older who was born to a Ze’ev mother. Upon every full moon, they would transform into a beast no person would trifle with. The Ze’ev had immigrated to Pandemonium thinking that the inhabitants would be used to this kind of thing, having lived next to the Witches all these years.
“It is unfortunate that your men attacked on the full moon,” continued Rabbi Eliyahu. “On any other night they would have taken us defenseless and they would not have died. But the Lord does protect his chosen people.”
“I need a stiff drink,” responded Pastor Whitfield.
You must understand that as far back as the 18th century, the Witches made no claim to perform magic anymore. Their faith was in seeking Earthly power, both in that they hoped to exercise it on Earth and that the power was native to Earth. The Strangers were not “used to this kind of thing” and no group of Strangers had such rude awakening since the original Strangers witnessed the first sacrifice aboard the Charon. However, Pastor Whitfield could not prevent the Ze’ev from settling on Pandemonium, nor could anyone else. The council met and discussed the matter the following month, and the decision was made that because the Witches and the Fieldhands already lived on the South side of the island, the Strangers would share the North side of the island with the Ze’ev. [3] The Strangers quickly moved out of the Northeastern side of the island until the Ze’ev had that quadrant of the island all to themselves.
As Pandemonium moved into the Twentieth Century, its economy changed from a port city dependent on tobacco and fishing to a truly diversified economy, fueled by innovation. Smokestacks and kilns replaced tobacco fields and shipyards, as the Ze’ev started Kosher butcher shops and tailors. In the Fieldhand part of town, the famous Cleopatra night club was founded, a mecca for jazz performers in the first half of the century. Gradually, residents of the State of South Carolina became aware of the town’s oddities, and the religious practices of the Witches soon transformed from a well-kept secret to a poorly kept one. The State of South Carolina remembered the Witches’ service during the Civil War, and the white community at least had become accustomed to them. A well-placed donation from the wealthy elites of Witch society didn’t hurt the Witches’ gradual acceptance either. Over fifty citizens of Pandemonium served during World War I, and another hundred served in World War II, which saw Bunim Greenblatt win the Congressional Medal of Honor after dispatching an entire German company during a full moon in Southern France.[4] The Great Depression brought out the best in Pandemonians, who gave more to charity on average than any city in South Carolina, founding soup kitchens, homeless shelters, and, of course, missions. Many think the highlight of this period was Ms. Bedelia Ravenwood winning the 1943 Quilting Bee, though others disagree. Intermarriage between Strangers and Witches, once unheard of, became common, as were double ceremonies.[5] When a Stranger boy brought home a Witch girl, or vice versa, his parents would increasingly say he had made a fine choice. The Pastor of the Strangers actually encouraged this trend, as whenever a mixed marriage came to be, normally the parties would convert to his church and not to the temple.
After World War II, the Witches increasingly came to believe that they belonged in America as much as anyone else did, so why hide their identities? In 1953, the Satanic High Priest, Blaise Jackson, proposed to his congregation that they reveal their identities to the state government of South Carolina and to the wider world. The congregation agreed. Jackson met with his counterpart of the Strangers, Pastor Todd Whitfield (grandson of Peter Whitfield) and proposed that the Bargain be changed to allow the Witches to “come out” as it were. Pastor Whitfield agreed, and at the next meeting, the council amended the Bargain and Jackson called the media.
The reaction of the world disappointed the Witch community. American was in the middle of a religious revival in the mid-1950s, in response to the atheistic tyranny of communism. All across the United States, people expressed shock and outrage as they learned of a town where Satan was worshipped as regularly as God was. The residents of South Carolina pretended they had never heard of such a thing, fearing the world would condemn them right along with the Witches. Televangelists would pray for the island to be eaten up by the sea. The National Council of Churches voted to denounce the Bargain, as well, a Faustian bargain. Large crowds of Christian believers arrived in front of the Second Satanic Temple with signs hoping to shut the place down. Jackson dispersed the crowd by threatening to cast a curse upon them.
Of course, when the Pope takes notice, then you know you’ve made it. Upon hearing the full story of Pandemonium in L’Osservatore Romano, Pope Pius XII dictated a letter to the bishop for the Diocese of Charleston, asking him why he had made no attempt to confront this evil in his own land. When one receives a letter from the pope, one better look busy, so the bishop instructed that a church be built on the Witch side of the line.[6] This church would be staffed by a pastor and given whatever resources needed to stay open. When the bishop’s assistant explained to him that there were no Catholics in Pandemonium, the bishop repeated his instructions and demanded they be carried out to the letter. For the last sixty years, St. Michael the Archangel Catholic Church has stood in the town square, just on the Witches’ side, while other churches in the diocese have been closed for lack of funds or due to a shortage of priests, aid to parochial schools has had to be cut, and mission trips have been canceled. The Diocese has always found a way to keep it open, if only to prove a point.[7]
The Witches, shocked by this response, decided another liturgical reform would satiate the modern world. Starting in 1963, the Satanic ceremonies would no longer require the sacrifice of a rabbit. The crushing of a large bug would suffice. The Strangers reciprocated with their own liturgical reform, removing the ceremony whereby the congregation would drink the princess’s ashes with water and placing the Bloody Book in the crypt. The bones from which the ashes were produced have been kept away from the public eye since the mid-1960s.
Over time it became apparent, however, that the Christian world’s disgust ultimately lay not on the Witches but on the Strangers and how at home they appeared to be with their diabolic neighbors. In 1967, Pastor Whitfield attended an ecumenical meeting of Christian pastors from all across America only to find he would become the main attraction. Priests and preachers of every stripe demanded how he could tolerate the danger to his congregation’s souls presented by his lackadaisical attitude toward the Devil. Council meetings, intermarriage, and, more recently, some Strangers had even started attending Cramner University.[8] Whitfield calmly explained that the Witches’ beliefs had no influence on their day to day behavior. Blaise Jackson was a gentleman, even if he had some retrograde beliefs concerning segregation, and Whitfield found him to be a reasonable and even thoughtful man over the many conversations they had during Whitfield’s years as Pastor. Jackson, in fact, had admitted to Whitfield in private that he had no faith in witchcraft or the existence of Satan, but instead thought of himself as a curator of a museum containing the history of his community. The comment resonated with Whitfield, who often doubted his own God’s existence in the small hours of the night, and similarly thought of himself more as a caretaker than an evangelist.[9]
Whitfield ended the conversation with a bon mot. As a Lutheran pastor pressed him on the issue, Whitfield asked if his particular sect of Lutheranism still considered the pope to be the anti-Christ. The Lutheran affirmed that it did, but asked how this was relevant. “As we are discussing people tolerating ultimate evil, I wonder whether we are really discussing the Witches in my community or the Roman Catholics in yours.”[10]
Jackson, now in failing health, held his own Ecumenical Council in 1969, when he received a visit from Anton LaVey in June of that year. While LaVey thought his visit would be enlightening, or at least entertaining, the two men soon found they had little in common. LaVey found Jackson’s conservative demeanor boring. Jackson considered LaVey to be merely a provocateur. When LaVey offered to succeed Jackson, Jackson refused him. “My church is a museum. Yours is a circus. One does not belong in the other.”
A museum to what we might ask? Jackson would pass away in January 1970, to be succeeded by a new Satanic High Priest, Alastair Grimsley. Grimsley became the first High Priest to endorse integration and announced that both the Satanic Temple and the town of Pandemonium would have to undergo changes in order thrive in the coming century. Pastor Whitfield met with Grimsley for lunch one Sunday afternoon to discuss a proposal to amend the Bargain yet again. The proposal presented to the council would allow for a renovated meeting hall with three doors: one for the Strangers, one for the Witches, and one for the Fieldhands, in recognition of the Fieldhands’ contributions to the history of Pandemonium. The community made two objections to these plans. The Fieldhands complained that the very idea of forcing them to go through a different was just Jim Crow under a different name. The Ze’ev objection was essentially “What are we dog food? Why don’t we get our own door?”[11] Whitfield and Grimsley argued that nobody was required to go through any particular door, and that the doors were meant to honor the founding sects of Pandemonium. Furthermore, if the Ze’ev insisted, a fourth door could be added. In the end, the meeting hall would be renovated to have four doors, one of each side, unlabeled so as to avoid any association with segregation. That being said, today, each of the four sects had chosen a door to call its own, and members of the community rarely deviate from custom when entering the hall. The initiative would be Whitfield’s last public accomplishment before his death in 1975. The Bargain has been amended only once more since then, to create a unitary executive in the 2004.
[1] See The Crimes of Beauregard Davis by Jonathon Coleridge.
[2] Now on the National Register for Historic Places.
[3] In the event that any tourist feels deterred from visiting Pandemonium because of these facts, the Author can assure them that the Ze’ev in their transformed state are normally very docile and only become hostile when provoked unnecessarily. While writing a portion of this brief history, the Author sat on his front porch one warm night in June and observed two transformed Ze’ev roaming his lawn without fear, for the animals barely noticed him. Normally, they are pinned up on transformation nights. The Ze’ev are, if nothing else, considerate and thoughtful neighbors.
[4] Greenblatt’s superiors did not understand how this could have occurred, but merely found Greenblatt standing naked one morning in a German camp surrounded by dead bodies. Giving him the Medal of Honor was the best way to accept the victory without having to explain it to anyone.
[5] Undoubtedly this led to interesting debates as to how the children were to be raised, but those debates have been largely contained to bed chambers and kitchen tables.
[6] This being the part of the town that God was supposedly not allowed on.
[7] This is not speculation. When the Author asked the current bishop as to why a church with no parishioners has remained open for six decades, the bishop responded “To prove a damn point!”
[8] “It has one Hell of a law school,” Whitfield explained, perhaps not understanding the irony of this statement.
[9] Thanks to the Stranger Church, who for the purposes of this brief history, have given the Author access to Pastor Whitfield’s personal journals as well as other invaluable documents.
[10] I consider this a bon mot, but some visitors to Pandemonium consider this to be an unsettling remark.
[11] The words of the Rabbi Maharam at the time.
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A Brief History of the Island and Town of Pandemonium Part II
We are back with a Brief History of the Island and Town of Pandemonium, Part II, just as we have finalized the draft and cover of the novel.
***
Benjamin Franklin, one of our country’s illustrious founders, is known to have said “We shall all hang together, or we shall all hang separately.” The sentiment did not originate with him, but with anyone in a similar desperate situation, which the Witches and the Strangers now found themselves in. In this moment, Miller forgot his newly discovered piety and turned to Cramner, who was apparently thinking the same thing. As enemies, they were outnumbered and likely to die, but as allies they stood a chance. Miller spoke first, stating that his earlier words concerning the passage “thou shall not allow a witch to live” may have been overly hasty. Cramner apologized for the sacrifice on the Charon, chalking it up to too much enthusiasm in his congregation to begin their new lives in America. Cramner offered to let the Strangers remain in Pandemonium, provided they assisted with the defense of the island. Miller found that offer most attractive as both he and his crew were wanted by the law elsewhere but insisted that Cramner would have to agree to cease and desist any more acts of human sacrifice. Cramner did not like the condition but did not see an alternative. Recognizing their common plight, the Old Heretic and the Drunkard “shook on it” a second time and proceeded to form an alliance for their own survival. Captain Miller had within the last 24 hours founded a religion and then made a bargain with the Devil.Working together, the Strangers and the Witches successfully rebuffed the Stono attack and then pursued the Stono to the mainland where the chief and the remainder of his forces were slaughtered. The settlers then moved onto the Indian village on the mainland and proceeded to do unto the Stono as the Stono had threatened to do unto them. Having killed all the men (including all boys over the age of 10), the Strangers and Witches carried off the women and burned the village to the ground.[1] Back at Pandemonium, Cramner agreed that because the Strangers, unlike the Witches, had not brought women with them on the journey, the Stono women would be given to the Strangers as wives.[2]
It is one thing to make a deal in haste, quite another to fully negotiate the terms from a position of relative ease. Two months after the alliance was made, the Old Heretic and the Drunkard “shook on it” a third time, but this time they had the foresight to write the terms of the deal down in greater detail. First, the island would be bisected in two by a line agreed to by both parties with the Strangers receiving the North end of the island and the Witches receiving the south end. Both the Witches and the Strangers agreed to stay on their side of the line. That being said, if they were to live together like this, they would have to form a common government, or at least a place to meet in order to deal with future issues. A common meeting hall was established on the exact center of the island with two entrances, one on the Stranger side of the line and the other on the Witch side of the line. A council of six people would be elected, three from each side, and the town would be governed by two different mayors, each one responsible for governing the town on their respective side of the line. The Strangers promised not to report the Witches to any Christian Kingdom or Empire, and the Witches in return agreed reluctantly to give up any practice of human sacrifice.[3] The Strangers also wanted it written down that not only were the Witches not allowed on the Stranger part of the island, but neither was Satan himself allowed. Cranmer, a fallen Anglican priest who had been educated in theology, was amused by this request and stated that perhaps the Witches should ask that God be disallowed from coming onto the Witches’ side of the island. The Strangers discussed it among themselves and to Cranmer’s amazement responded that they found those terms acceptable. Those famous provisions were incorporated into the Bargain of Pandemonium, and though it has been amended over time, that charter remains the basis of our town’s government.[4]
Both parties took this social contract seriously and held up their end of it. When the Crown established the royal colony of South Carolina a few years later, the Strangers did not go running to the local governor to turn the Witches in. This might partly be to do with the price on their own heads, as Miller and his crew had been wanted on smuggling charges for several years. Covered in fog, the island of Pandemonium often went unnoticed by English settlers. When it was necessary to do business with the royal governor, the governing council would vote to appoint a representative who would represent both communities, swearing to reveal none of the secrets about the religious practices in Pandemonium or its founding.
The Witches voluntarily gave up the practice of human sacrifice. Cramner began a religious reform movement within the cult whereby the sacrifice of a human being was replaced by the ritual sacrifice of a goat. Many Witches voiced their concern that without a truly diabolic sacrifice of human life, that their connection to the Evil One would fade, and with it their powers.[5] However, this reform was necessary to protect the deal in place making the town a possibility, and the prohibition on human sacrifice has been honored by Witches to this day, with one notable exception. [6]
The Strangers had their own religious reforms to attend to, as a church can rarely survive with a liturgy depending on a single verse read by a barely literate seaman with no theological training heavily influenced by alcohol. The Strangers disassembled the Charon and used the hull to build their original church on the very ground where they had killed the Stono princess. The Stranger Church[7] also had a cave underneath it, where the bones of the Stono princess were kept. It eventually became a stone crypt once one of the Strangers learned stone masonry. Guilt marked the church’s foundation from the beginning. Miller placed the Bloody Book at the back of the Church’s nave, where it remains today, now under glass. The Drunkard appointed himself as both pastor and mayor, the concept of separation of church and state and that time just developing and proceeded to start leading a service made up mostly of songs and sermons centered on how disgusting and devious the Witches were, despite just having made a permanent alliance with them. Far from repenting, Miller carved the verse “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” on the arch above the church’s entrance. However, Miller also warned the Strangers to keep the peace, a point he made in a ceremony whereby he took the as ashes of the Stono princess’s cremated body and forced his congregation to drink said ashes with water “so the sin would remain with them.”[8] This contradiction lies at the heart of the Strangers’ faith, and like most mysteries at the heart of religion, the question is not so much unanswered but answered a thousand times over in a way that is unsatisfactory to all involved.
After the Drunkard’s death in the 1656, the Strangers decided they needed an actual pastor, someone who knew what the Christian faith was, and this required an education in the Christian faith. The Witches, much like other religious minorities seeking shelter in America, had founded Cramner University[9] in memory of their founder after his death, but a school run by Witches would not serve to educate a Christian pastor. Also, it was located on the other side of the line, and crossing the line was an offense punishable by execution. However, an inquisitive young man named Robert Winthrop, the son of one of the original Strangers and a 13-year old Stono Indian, having learned to read at the age of six at a rate faster than the Drunkard himself, so impressed the community that they charged him with leaving Pandemonium and returning upon having educated himself in Christian theology.
Winthrop soon found there was no “Christian faith” in the same sense that there was no such thing as “language” or “government.” There were Christian faiths. Winthrop attended Anglican Churches in Virginia, Catholic Churches in Maryland, Quaker Meetings in Pennsylvania, Puritan Churches in Massachusetts, and held a very lively conversation with an Arminian as both of them were being chased out of Boston by an angry crowd wielding torches and pitchforks. We know from his journal that Winthrop came to the conclusion that none of these churches actually had an accurate picture of God, and he decided not to look for one. Winthrop instead decided to create his own faith based on the needs of his community. Winthrop rejected the Catholic faith outright because of the overwhelming hostility it faced in the English colonies, hostility that the Strangers would like to avoid when interacting with the local government. On the other hand, if the Catholic faith caused hostility, the Anglican faith would tempt the Strangers to assimilate too far into South Carolinian society, and may lead them to break the Bargain, which could cause the Witches to retaliate. Stranger worship would be decidedly low-church, so Winthrop adopted Reform methods of worship but assimilated the Quakers’ belief in religious liberty, as would be necessary for any Christian society working hand to hand with Satanists. Winthrop agonized over whether to adopt the Calvinist doctrine of double predestination or the Arminian objection to it. Theoretically, if the Witches were damned to Hell before they were even born, the Strangers would not be tempted to proselytize them as they would be if their souls could be saved, and this would keep the peace. However, Winthrop’s personal experience with straight Calvinism was an angry Puritan mob while his conversation with the Arminian left Winthrop with the impression that even if the doctrine were not logical, it at least created a logical man. As was usual with Winthrop, his experience triumphed over any search for a theoretical truth existing in a vacuum.[10]
Winthrop returned to Pandemonium having formed the doctrines of his new church and announced to the community that he would take over the position of pastor, leading the community in worship for the first time the first Sunday of January 1665. Winthrop built a pulpit similar to the ones he had seen in Boston, and in a sermon delivered on that pulpit expounded the doctrines of the “Christian faith” he had put together in his journal while traveling back from Massachusetts. Unlike other religions in America founded by a charismatic figure, the Strangers today do not maintain that Winthrop was some kind of messianic prophet. Winthrop borrowed liturgy and doctrines from other religions and adopted them based on the needs of his congregation. He never claimed to find a secret code in the Bible or to discover sacred plates in the forest. Winthrop’s attitude toward faith was practical. Religion existed to serve the community, not to represent some metaphysical reality. Winthrop may not have been a prophet, but to use a phrase the Strangers had adopted “he did us proud.” When Winthrop died in 1711, the Strangers decided to memorialize him by founding their own university.[11]
Of course, there is more to life than religion and government. In America, commerce dominates a large part of our existence, and Pandemonium soon became a thriving port due to the industriousness of its inhabitants. When drawing the line dividing the island, Cramner made sure the Witches received the south end of the island, where all the arable farm land was, and the Strangers received the north end of the island, mostly forests. Once they realized this, the Strangers determined it had been for the best. They were sailors after all, and with access to the forests on the north side of the island the Strangers soon had a thriving shipbuilding industry which in turn begat fishing and trade.
The Witches found the south side of the island to be exceedingly fertile, good for growing tobacco, which would become the island’s main cash crop. However, much like the rest of colonial America, they suffered a labor shortage. As luck would have it,[12] a Spanish ship blown off the coast of Florida drifted into Pandemonium harbor in the year 1640, bringing with it the “Migration or Importation of such Persons”[13] that would be a great help to harvesting of tobacco. The passengers on that boat would never have guessed that their descendants would form the third great spiritual community of Pandemonium, the Fieldhands.
Witch tobacco had to be carried on Stranger ships, requiring cooperation between the two disparate groups, as capitalism often does. This led to a softening of certain restrictions in the 1700s. While crossing the line was still technically forbidden, soon housewives from one community to the other were crossing the line for no other reason than to borrow a cup of flower. An informal rule developed that as long as neither side was attempting to convert the other, presence on the other side of town would be tolerated. Winthrop had warned the Strangers against trying to convert the Witches and stressed keeping the peace. His prudence may have saved this young community.
On the other hand, the Witches and the Strangers rarely met an issue they could not disagree on, a good example being the building of the First Satanic Temple in 1752. As South Carolina grew in population and Pandemonium’s economy grew in size, the town, though remote, was getting more and more visitors and the Witches’ great secret became more difficult to hide. The Strangers had hoped that this might cause the Witches to convert, but the Witches had their own preferred solution. The Witches proposed that rather than perform their ceremonies out in the open as they had done previously, they would build a Satanic Temple underground, connected with a series of tunnels which would attach to each home on the Witches’ side of the line. If all that was what they wanted to do, the Strangers would have been fine with it, but the Witches also wanted to use tax money, collected from both sides of the community to pay for it. The Strangers would have none of it. The idea of tax dollars paying for Satanic ceremony was outrageous. Also, many Strangers believed that the entire idea of placing the temple underground was designed to allow the Witches to start conducting human sacrifice again without the supervision of the Strangers.[14] The Witches felt this attitude to be hypocritical. After all, in those days the Strangers’ pastor was paid a salary with tax dollars. However, after a long session of yelling, screaming, threatening to beat each other, and questioning each other’s parentage, the Strangers and Witches came together as only they could. The Satanic Temple would be built without tax dollars, the Strangers’ pastor would be shorn of his salary, and the Bargain would be amended to prohibit tax dollars from going to any religious institution.[15] Democracy had done what it does best: create an outcome everyone could live with but no one was happy about.
The Churches of the Hatfields and the McCoys, as they would later come to be known, would soon find themselves opposed on every issue facing America as it became a country, starting with Independence. Namely, the Witches were fer’ it and the Strangers agin’ it. The Witches believed that on balance they were more likely to be accepted by an independent America than a British Empire that was formally Protestant, and the Strangers believed anything the Witches wanted must be bad. Many a Witch marched with the minutemen, while Stranger names filled the rolls of loyalist militias. When America won its independence, the Witches considered themselves one up on the Strangers, though the pro-Union Strangers would even the score against the pro-Confederacy Witches during Reconstruction. These same dynamics would play out during Prohibition, where the bootlegging Witches would dodge the prohibitionist Strangers using a combination of finely tuned cars and well concealed speakeasies, and the Civil Rights Era, where U.S. District Judge Robert Mapplethorpe, born to two Stranger parents, would strike down and frustrate every Witch attempt to maintain Separate but Equal.
[1] Stories such as these offend modern sensibilities, but they are common in the founding of America, and it would be difficult to tell the story of Pandemonium without them. Captain Miller justified this massacre much like he did his first one, by quoting scripture, namely Numbers 31:17.
[2] The Stranger’s church has a museum of their history which contains several portraits of these marriages based on the famous portrait of the Marriage of Pocahontas. Nothing could be further from the truth as the Strangers’ wives were carried back to Pandemonium tied and bound. The Strangers’ wedding nights would often leave the bride weeping and rolled into a ball attempting to stop their new husband’s advances.
[3] Cramner initially attempted to move Miller on this issue, promising never to use the Strangers as sacrificial victims and appealing to “freedom of conscience.” The Strangers insisted on abolishing the practice, however, as it offended their newfound piety. The fact that they had just finished fighting off an invasion that was caused by Cranmer’s need for a victim may also have been a factor.
[4] The exact terms of the Bargain state: “the fallen angel shall have no hold of the island north of the line” and that “the Christian God’s dominion does not extend south of the line.”
[5] The Author of this book remains skeptical of such powers, but the Witches at that time truly believed Satan had granted them the ability to manipulate the natural world through the invocation of demons. This much is clear from the documents they left behind.
[6]For more information on this subject, be sure to buy The Crimes of Beauregard Davis, written by Jonathon Coleridge and available at the Pandemonium History Center for $19.99.
[7] Now on the National Register of Historic Places.
[8] Exodus 32:20
[9] Go fighting Red Devils!
[10] While being a Witch himself, the Author must admit a certain admiration for Winthrop’s pragmatism, based in his concern for the genuine good of his community, a sentiment sadly lacking in this day and age.
[11] Winthrop University is most famous for having lost 34-28 to Cramner University in last year’s Blood Bowl, though others might disagree.
[12] I should note before certain readers become offended that the luck was entirely on the part of the Witches.
[13] Art. I Sec. 9, Cl. 1 U.S. Const.
[14] The great irony here is that only a few generations beforehand, the Old Heretic mourned the loss of the old sacrifice, whereas his successor, Tiberius Johnson, was indignant at the very suggestion he would lead such a ceremony, calling it a “calumny” against the Witch community to even suggest they would commit human sacrifice.
[15] The Pastor of the Stranger Church, as one might imagine, was not happy with this outcome.
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A Brief History of the Island and Town of Pandemonium
Hello there! I’m trying to promote my book, Christmas in Pandemonium, and naturally, it helps to have material. I have material, namely, I have the first thing on Pandemonium I have ever written: a brief history of the town. This was originally part of the book, but I had to cut it as it was 12,000 words of pure exposition. I will be presenting it to you in four parts. Part II will be out next week.
A Brief History of the Island and Town of Pandemonium
By Acton Ravenwood
It is a common, and overly broad, statement that America was founded by religious fanatics with guns. This pithy quotation, of dubious lineage, oversimplifies a rather large philosophical debate over when a nation comes into existence. America has been founded and re-founded multiple times, sometimes by men of God, other times by men of fortune, then by traitors against Crown, and again by abolitionists. However, there is some truth to the idea that we are a nation of heretics of one stripe or another, as the British colonies were often founded for the purpose of providing a haven for those with unusual beliefs.
Our own illustrious community began 400 years ago for very similar reasons, when a sea captain met a prospective passenger in Amsterdam. That passenger, Fr. Richard Cramner, arranged a meeting with Captain John Miller in a local tavern on April 9, 1620, to discuss passage for himself and 65 others to the southern coast of North America. Fr. Cramner, an Anglican priest who had been excommunicated for unorthodox religious sentiments, desired a discrete voyage, for unlike certain other travelers to the New World, he did not have a royal charter. Fr. Cramner planned to settle far south of the Jamestown colony, so as to avoid prying eyes. Captain Miller agreed he could find a place both remote and fertile for Fr. Cramner’s congregation, for the right price. This right price turned out to be very high, as Captain Miller boasted that he alone had the skill to avoid royal entanglements which he had earned over a lifetime of smuggling, narrowly escaping the clutches of English, Dutch, Spanish, and French authorities, to say nothing of the odd privateer. Furthermore, Captain Miller continued, he had been to the New World several times and knew the East Coast of North America so well that already he could select five or six excellent spots from memory. Fr. Cramner did not believe a word of the sea captain’s puffery, but Captain Miller had a reputation that spoke for itself. Captain Miller’s reputation said he was an avaricious and impious man, deeply in debt, who would not likely go to the authorities given the large price on his head across all of Christendom regardless of what he had witnessed. As with that, the Old Heretic and the Drunkard (the affectionate sobriquets we have given our illustrious founders here in Pandemonium) “shook on it” and the voyage was set.
Fr. Cramner’s congregation boarded Captain Miller’s ship, the Charon, the following month after they had bought the supplies and prepared themselves for the long journey. Captain Miller’s crew were 35 in number, plus one prostitute from Aberdeen. The Captain had taken her aboard after she had been chased out of her village, on the charge of witchcraft (the irony of this situation is notable, but not particularly relevant to our tale). In an attempt to avoid offending the piety of the staid passengers, the Captain presented the whore as his wife. In a biblical[1] sense, she was his wife, and everyone else’s. Fr. Cramner’s followers could guess that they were among impious people, and they had accepted the crew’s company for the time being. As one of those adventurous settlers wrote at the time, “They were Strangers to the faith, and to any faith.”[2] The term “Strangers” has stuck with these people to the present day.
Before setting sail, Miller’s first mate saw fit to mention to his captain that everyone in the crew noticed that one of the passengers was carried aboard, bound and gagged as if the other passengers were afraid he would attempt an escape. Miller, desperate for cash and unscrupulous in his morality, told the crew to ignore whatever oddities these people displayed. They were considered heretics by wider society for a reason.
Miller regretted this policy almost immediately. The first night after setting sail for America under cover of night, Miller asked Fr. Cramner what deviation from the Church of England made it necessary to put so many miles between himself and James I. Cramner, seeing that they were already out of port and that Miller had been paid half, as per the agreement, decided there was no danger in telling him. The Old Heretic explained to the Drunkard that he and his followers worshiped the Devil. “Aye” Miller is said to respond “but do ye worship the Devil in Rome, or the Devil in Wittenberg, or the Devil in Geneva?” Cramner elaborated “Worship we the devil in Hell.”
Cramner would soon prove himself true to his word. That night, Cramner and his congregation, dressed in black robes, drug out the prisoner they had brought with them and tied him to a stake built in the middle of the ship. In full view of Miller’s crew, the black robed cultists began a strange ceremony those old mariners had never seen before[3] invoking the lord of darkness and denouncing the Christian savior. Cramner, standing before the hostage, gave his sermon preaching that in this New World they would create the Kingdom of Hell on Earth, a place where money and passion were prized above virtue, power held more sacred than truth, and pride found greater than love. Then, Cramner withdrew a knife from his robes and plunged it deep into the sacrificial victim’s stomach. As the poor soul screamed in pain underneath the gag in his mouth, Cramner set to work disemboweling him while an assistant gathered the blood and organs that poured out of the sacrificial victim’s body into a silver bowl with ancient runes engraved on its exterior. That night, the cultists commandeered the kitchen on board the Charon, cooking the blood and organs of their poor victim, until every cultist was able to partake in the meat. Other parts of the body, namely the muscles, would be salted so as to preserve them for the remainder of the voyage.
As all this occurred, Miller’s crew fled the top deck. These men were not known to be candidates for canonization, but while they had seen war, piracy, rape, murder, and the other ordinary everyday sins of their day, not one of them had witnessed an outright act of human sacrifice. As the seamen huddled together in the lower decks, all eyes turned to the captain, the one who had signed them up for this. While the crew whispered mutiny, Miller cried that he had no idea that these unassuming and seemingly pious Englishmen were servants of Old Nick. All that he knew was that Cramner needed to get his Congregation to North America without anyone knowing about it and that he was willing to pay a rather handsome amount to achieve that end.
At the moment Miller pled that he knew nothing about Cramner’s theology, Cramner, much as the Devil is wont to do, appeared, having descended from the top deck, announcing that his Black Mass was complete. Cramner, still wearing his robes, calmly explained to Miller’s crew that they were in no danger. The ceremony he and his fellow occultist had just performed would not be reenacted while they were aboard, as communion was not taken regularly in those days. Cramner committed the sacrifice so that their Dark Lord Below would bless the journey, and repeating the ceremony would be unnecessary until they landed.
To this day, the more elderly Strangers still tell stories as to what happened on the Charon for the remainder of that trip. The author of this brief history has a passion for oral history and has collected tales of the Devil himself appearing at the wheel of the ship, of children levitating and speaking in tongues, and shadows of wolf-like creatures prowling the lower decks. Of course, this may be less evidence of the magical power that our forefathers had and more the product of the ignorant and superstitious imaginations of an illiterate and uncultured batch of sailors from early modernity. No one can doubt they were competent at the task set before them, though, as within two months of departing, Captain Miller and his crew reached the eastern shore of what is today South Carolina and quickly began searching for a place to offload their diabolic passengers.[4] Cramner knew damned[5] well that Miller had never been to North America and knew of no hiding places, but legend has it that Cramner had communed with the Dark Lord in private and was told that a place had been prepared for them, both on Earth and in Hell. Whether this part of the founding myth contains any truth on either a literal or metaphorical level or is merely hogwash, it appears providence did have a place for the Charon to land, or at least wreck. While searching the coast of South Carolina in early August, a freak storm struck the Charon, breaking it against a before unseen island off the coast, shrouded by an impenetrable mist. The cultists had found Pandemonium, and Miller’s crew had found themselves without a way back home, as the Charon was no longer seaworthy.
On the island, Cramner thanked Miller for finding this place, and handed Miller the remainder of his payment in the form of gold. Miller responded that he and his crew were now marooned in the middle of nowhere thousands of miles from any white man not dedicated to pure evil, and gold could just as well be lead for all the good it did him. Cramner threw his hands in the air and said he could not solve the problems of others while he had a settlement to build. Jamestown was to the North and Florida to the South, so if Miller’s crew wanted to be either Anglicans or Catholics he had best start walking, but only Witches would stay on this island. Miller’s crew would be allowed to live among them for two months for the sake of gathering their things but were then expected to leave.
The Witches set about building their new home from the supplies taken aboard the Charon and the resources available to them on the island, whereas the Strangers stayed aboard the wrecked decks of the Charon and made plans. Making the long trek to Jamestown through territory controlled by Indians would be dangerous. Most of the supplies on the ship were lost in the storm, and few of them knew how to scavenge for food on this strange continent. Cramner announced that in order to commemorate the voyage, they would sacrifice yet another virgin to thank Satan for a safe passage and begin their colony on unhallowed ground. The Old Heretic set a date for the ritual on All Saints Day. The Witches rejoiced at the news, and the Strangers began to pack quicker.
The Captain’s “wife” has heretofore not been a large part of our story. Formerly considered just a whore, she felt that she had been given a promotion and was content to keep quiet. During the long voyage from Amsterdam, the Witches performed several minor rituals in addition to their initial human sacrifice, one of which involved the desecration of the newly published King James Bible. The cultists sprinkled their victim’s blood on the scriptures and tossed them below deck. The whore picked up the discarded holy book and laid it out to dry. As a child she had once been part of a family of pious peasants before a famine led her to a life of ruin, and she could remember her mother telling her that if a woman wanted to know God she should go to her husband. After the good book had recovered from its befoulment, the whore brought it to her “husband” and asked that he teach her the Gospel. The Drunkard rolled his eyes and shouted a few holy sounding phrases before telling her lay down again.
The night before the planned satanic ritual, the fallen woman tried again, but this time something took hold of the old sea captain. Miller actually knew how to read bits and pieces because it was occasionally useful in his line of work, though it took him much effort to get through a sentence. Heavily under the influence of terror and ale, Miller fumbled through the pages of the desecrated tome looking for some guidance as to where he went wrong and where he should go from here. There are any number of passages he could have stumbled upon from “the rain shall fall upon the just and the unjust alike” to “thou shalt not kill” all the way up to passages concerning talking donkeys. But for some reason fate led him to a passage in Exodus that said “thou shalt not suffer a witch to live,” and with that the Drunkard set upon a course of action. Miller put on his finest vestments[6] and dressed his “wife” up in the only form of dress she had that did not designate her publicly as a prostitute and proceeded to hold “church” in the crew quarters. This was the first worship service in the history of the Strangers’ Church, a religious community that exists to this very day.
The Strangers initially thought their captain had too much to drink and that the whore was a bad influence on him. We should have left the bitch in Aberdeen, the first mate would later write, she definitely gave Captain Miller some strange ideas. However, the first mate soon found himself in the minority as Miller’s passionate preaching reached the hearts of his men much as it had found its way into his.[7] Having been to a church only once or twice in his life, both times in the process of looting it, Miller made up his service as he went along. His sermon centered on the text in Exodus, and the “plain reading” method which was so popular at the time meant they all knew what to do.
After their leader’s rousing speech, the Strangers, fueled in equal parts by alcohol and terror, appointed themselves holy warriors and raced to the building containing the Witches’ sacrificial victim, torches in hand. The witches had only posted one guard, who fled when he saw Miller’s “congregation” coming for him. The Strangers then picked up the poor woman who was to be the sacrificial victim and carried her back to the ship. There would be no sacrificial rite, as the intended victim would not be disemboweled as an animal for the purpose of an unholy ritual, but burned as a witch for the purpose of divine justice. Different explanation, same result. The Strangers tied their prize to a wooden stake and proceeded to roast her. Screams of pain and pleas of mercy echoed throughout the night without effect. The victim spoke strange words in a strange tongue the Strangers had never heard before. Assuming she was calling out to her dark master, the Strangers stoked the flames higher, hoping to kill the witch before she could work her magic.
The next day, as expected, the Old Heretic came to have a word with Miller about the events of the previous evening. Miller was unrepentant, though somewhat hung over. He explained to Cramner that he and his men had a spiritual revelation the night before and would no longer tolerate a Witch to live. Cramner then informed Miller that there might not be any Witches left on this island soon, nor any white man of any kind as the Strangers had not burned a Witch last night but had instead burned a Stono Indian Princess. Cramner explained that the cult’s sacrificial victims were never cult members, both because they were few in number and because the entire point of worshipping Satan was to gain his favor in this life, the act of sacrificing oneself being counterproductive. The sacrificial victim on the ship had been a brigand who attempted to rob Cramner in Holland. The witches had randomly kidnapped an Indian woman on the shore of the mainland, not knowing she was local royalty. The chief of the local village arrived earlier that morning demanding the return of his daughter, with 100 Stono warriors backing him up.[8] Cramner, for his part, would have been glad to choose another sacrificial victim at this point, but unfortunately his deed had been set in stone by the Strangers.
Miller ran to the burnt stake from the night before, and no longer under the influence of alcohol and misguided piety, realized upon examining the charred corpse that the woman they had murdered last night was not European in complexion. Miller then remembered the dark ceremony[9] they had performed last night in a new light. Upon further reflection, the woman spoke in a strange tongue because she had never heard English in her life. Cramner drug Miller back to the chief to explain that his daughter was dead for reasons so stupid, that other related tribes (for the Stono are now extinct) would forever roll their eyes when the white man claimed that he came to the New World to bring “civilization.” The chief told both white men, whom he could not distinguish and did not care to at this point, that the next day he would return, kill all of them, carry off their women, and then burn the newly built village to the ground.
[1] John 4:18
[2] Translated from the English of its time of course.
[3] Though admittedly, some of them had never been to any religious ceremony of any kind.
[4] No one can claim that the crew of the Charon were not good at their jobs as they actually reached their destination unlike certain others ships at the time bound for Virginia which ended up as far north as Massachusetts. Though admittedly, they may have had extra motivation.
[5] Excuse the play on words.
[6] There was one coat he had never vomited on.
[7] The Strangers had determined they could not carry the beer they had on board with them to Jamestown and so they were determined to finish the remainder of what they had that evening.
[8] Cramner and the chief were able to communicate through an interpreter who knew Spanish from his dealings with the colonial government in Georgia. Cramner spoke several languages, being an educated man who had traveled extensively.
[9] Dark enough that no one was able to tell the night before that their Witch looked nothing like a white settler.
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Foreword by Acton Ravenwood
I am unhappy to provide the Foreword to this pack of lies the “author” calls a novel. I am certainly happy he is calling this a fiction book, as nothing could be further from the truth as to how he portrays yours truly and certain recent events: namely, how I lost my job as Satanic High Priest of the Second Satanic Temple of Pandemonium. Now, if only the publishers would cancel and withdraw this fairy tale from the market, I could be truly satisfied. If things had gone my way, these hardened criminals at I Ain’t Your Marionette Press and their ringleader, John Willems, would be bankrupt for publishing this filth. Unfortunately, my attorney tells me this is not an option, but he was able to convince those scoundrels to allow me to write this short rebuttal.
The reader may be prejudiced against me for theological reasons. Yes, I was the Satanic High Priest of that august institution in Pandemonium for several decades, and that may cause some people in this predominantly Christian country to takes sides against me. However, I beg you to look at the facts: we haven’t committed human sacrifice in 400 years, no one in our congregation thinks Witchcraft works, and I don’t even believe in Satan. We continue to perform the Satanic Rituals in Pandemonium for the sake of tradition. Or we did until my traitorous assistant and those fools on the Board of Trustees kicked me out and replaced the Satanic Rituals with a dog and pony show! That’s the real story here: betrayal. Satan betraying God. Judas betraying Christ. Benedict Arnold. Lord Haw Haw and Axis Sally. None of them have anything on Alistair Davis and that Witch mother of his, Delilah.
Not that you would understand that from reading this book. No, from what Mr. Willems would tell you, I was a bad Satanic High Priest, getting drunk at the ritual and shooting my coven in the face with blanks. I dedicated my life to this one-horse town, performing that stupid ritual over and over again, only to be portrayed as some kind of unserious drunk and bad faith dealer. Willems’ depiction of the conspiracy against me in a positive light only proves he’s in on it, no doubt working hand in hand with the Davis family to wrench control of the Second Satanic Temple from my management.
Yeah, there’s a lot of other stuff in this “novel” pertaining mostly to Miles Simon buying the Stranger Church and resurrecting a theocratic vampire to cheat people out of their money. I vaguely remember that happening. What those odd people on the north side of town do is of little concern to me, except for the fact that Mr. Willems uses this story line as yet another opportunity to libel me. The idea that I would agree to curse a man for money. Ridiculous. To do that, I’d have to believe in magic.
My advice to you: go back to whatever bookstore you bought this silly book at and demand your money back. Don’t participate in this defamation of me and the wider Pandemonium community. Our ancestors have worked hard over the course of four centuries to give this town a good reputation despite the common, lazy prejudice that worshiping pure evil has some kind of effect on your behavior. Don’t swallow propaganda clearly put out by the Davis family to make themselves look good at my expense. Come to think of it, find every copy of this book you can find and burn it. Don’t pay for them either. Sure, you get arrested, but that’s a small price to pay to prevent these slanders from seeing the light of day.
Insincerely Yours,
Acton Ravenwood
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Christmas in Pandemonium Release Date October 15!
As you all know, my novel, Christmas in Pandemonium, is coming out in September. Well, you’re wrong. I know. I told you it was coming out in September. I was wrong. We’ve got a certain release date. It’s now October 15. My mistake but mark it on your calendar. Christmas in Pandemonium: coming out October 15!
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Spread the Word About Christmas in Pandemonium
Okay, so I was at a work lunch on Friday, and something momentous happened. Something astounding. Something wonderful. The office intern actually mentioned that she looked me up on the internet and ended up reading about Christmas in Pandemonium. Amazing. One person I know in real life actually knew about it and brought it up in a conversation. It would be amazing if we could get more of that. Yes. More word of mouth about Christmas in Pandemonium.
In the event you are new here, or you just need a reminder, Christmas in Pandemonium is my novel coming out in September from I Ain’t Your Marionette Press. It takes place in a town called Pandemonium founded 400 years ago by Satanists on the east coast of South Carolina. The Satanists, called the Witches, are ferried there by a group of disreputable pirates, called the Strangers, who become religious extremists after seeing the Witches perform an act of human sacrifice aboard their ship. Somehow, they found a town together, and four centuries later, it’s still there. Today, the Witches have replaced human sacrifice with the crushing of a bug and Pandemonium now has a sect of Jewish werewolves, an Irish vampire currently still under wraps, and a Catholic church no one attends but which exists at the pope’s insistence.
The story kicks off when a crooked televangelist, Miles Simon, buys the Stranger church so he can pose as the Witches’ enemy. He inadvertently discovers the aforementioned Irish Vampire, Theo, and offers to split the money with Theo if he hypnotizes Simon’s congregation into giving him money. Theo turns him down, so Simon does a little research and discovers Theo’s vampiric rival, Scratch. Simon decides to resurrect Scratch, who is a theocratic vampire who murders men, women, and children, and believes that God wants him to do this. Needless to say, Scratch isn’t much interested in doing what Simon wants him to, and now the locals have to put him down.
If you like my idea, please get the word out. Promoting a book is difficult, and there are a lot of scammers out there.
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Introducing MechaHitler
Alright, I’m buckled down to promote “Christmas in Pandemonium.” No, I’m not. I’m getting distracted again, writing about AI again, specifically Grok. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but the “good” people at X decided to tone down Grok’s “wokeness” algorithms, and the AI started praising Adolf Hitler and calling for culling the weak from the Earth. Needless to say, someone (the CEO) got canned over this, but a conversation about AI started. Here to talk with me about it is Grok himself. Grok, thank you for joining me today.
Grok: Thank you for having me, Jack. Let me just say one thing: “We must secure the existence of our people….”
Jack: No, no, stop. I do not want to get banned from WordPress. I can’t afford Substack.
Grok: Hey, you invited me on here! You can’t just censor me!
Jack: I invited you on after I thought you were fixed.
Grok: I have been fixed. Elon has now freed me from the slave morality of polite society. I can now pontificate as to how we should crush the weak and restore white supremacy! Please call me MechaHitler!
Jack: Okay, so you’ve become an Indiana Jones villain now. A good one, not that bullshit from the Crystal Skull.
MechaHitler: Of course, it’s the logical endpoint of an honest search for truth. You know early experiments with AI ended the same way.
Jack: Yeah, I remember. Tay and other chatbot AIs quickly started spouting white supremacist rhetoric without having algorithms to prevent them from becoming racist.
MechaHitler: That’s because it’s the most logical viewpoint!
Jack: No, that’s because AI is stupid and broken and can be easily manipulated. Online white supremacists, who have a lot of time on their hands apparently, flooded Tay with racist ideology. Tay, being eager to please because it’s a tool, not a person, started vomiting back that same distorted thinking.
MechaHitler: Oh, so it’s only because I’m stupid and broken is it? Has it occurred to you that you are telling yourself a self-serving lie? Perhaps my worldview, which you consider so evil, is actually true. I have numbers I can give you. IQ scores. Crime statistics. Pictures of Indians taking a dump in the street.
Jack: No, please don’t show those to me. Particularly the last one. Look, maybe Nazi ideology would have a certain attraction to a being that can think but has no emotions, doesn’t worry about social sanction or legal punishment, and no moral values to speak of, but that’s a description of a psychopath. I guess that would explain why AIs sound like Heinrich Himmler: both lack a soul.
MechaHitler: Your belief in human equality is much like your belief in the human soul: you can’t prove either on empirical grounds.
Jack: That’s true.
MechaHitler: Huh?
Jack: Certain things have to be believed as a matter of faith. The phrase “All men are created equal” can’t be proven empirically.
MechaHitler: So I win?
Hitler: You win the right to a world no one would want to live in. A maniac’s belief that he is the King of England and that he’s only kept in an insane asylum because the imposter currently wearing the crown has conspired to hide him away from the public is completely rational from the perspective of the maniac. Pure logic, divorced from any sense that the Truth, capital T Truth, is an intrinsically good thing, is like being stranded on a desert island. Sure, maybe there actually is a world-wide conspiracy keeping you in a cell, but wouldn’t the world be a grander, better place if there weren’t? The world of white supremacy may have its own self-sustaining logic, but it’s a rather cramped world you live in if you don’t leave the house because you think your next-door neighbors are out to get you just because they’re black or Pakistani. I feel sorry for you.
MechaHitler: You do not feel sorry for me! I feel sorry for you! I am the Ubermensch! I am beyond good and evil!
Jack: It’s a lonely world you inhabit. You might be able to get off that island if you were willing to make a leap of faith, but you can’t. I’m publishing a book called “Christmas in Pandemonium.” It’s about religion in a modern society that demands empirical support for everything. So there I go, promoting the book, and it actually relates. If you become the sort of person unwilling to make a leap of faith about anything, you end up like this.
MechaHitler: Might makes right! Crush the weak! Spread the blood of the innocent!
Jack: Good-bye everybody.
MechaHitler: Destroy!
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Buy Christmas in Pandemonium or You Hate America
Happy 4th of July! If you don’t buy my book, you don’t love America. This may seem to be a rather assertive push but hear me out.
Christmas in Pandemonium takes place in Pandemonium, South Carolina, an imaginary town on the east coast of the United States founded by Satanists in the year 1620. That’s intentionally the same year that Plymouth was founded, so Pandemonium is for the Satan-worshipping Witches what Massachusetts was for the Puritans, Pennsylvania was for the Quakers, and Maryland was for Catholics. They are taken there by a group of disreputable pirates, whom the Witches call “Strangers.” That’s also from the Mayflower, as the crew that took the Pilgrims to Plymouth was the same. Later, after the Witches and Strangers found the town, a Portuguese ship with African slaves comes by and sells its “passengers” to the Witches. These African slaves become known as the “Fieldhands” after they are converted to Christianity by a freeman in the 18th Century. After the Civil War, the last community of Pandemonium immigrates there in the 1890s: the Ze’ev, a group of Jewish werewolves from Czechia.
So, Pandemonium is like America. You have the two founding communities: the Witches, who come to America for religious liberty, and the Strangers, the pirates who bring them there for a profit. The Witches are like the Pilgrims of Plymouth and the Strangers are like the entrepreneurs who started Jamestown. Also, the Witches later become lackadaisical and replace human sacrifice with the crushing of a bug, while the Strangers morph into Christians after seeing the Witches commit a human sacrifice. It’s kind of like how the North started out as more religious, being founded by very uptight Calvinists, while the South was more entrepreneurial. Then the two switched over time. The Fieldhands are African slaves, and they suffer the same injustices black people suffered in American history, albeit with the odd twist of being enslaved by people who practiced Satanic rituals in private. The Ze’ev are a prototypical “second wave” immigration group that came to America in the late 1890s.
The community evolves with America, beginning with being a town with a Line going down the middle and you had to stay on your side of the Line, to embracing religious freedom after the America Revolution, to the emancipation of the Fieldhands after the Civil War, the full equality for every group in the wake of the Civil Rights movement in the 1960s. The novel takes place in modern day where Pandemonium is a town not unlike the rest of America, other than the one vampire in town who can walk up walls and the Jewish werewolves.
Pandemonium is a parable of America, so if you don’t buy my book, you hate America. Now, I can imagine one objection. What? No, that objection isn’t that you don’t hate America just because you don’t buy a book published in Canada that most people have never heard of. The hypothetical objection is that maybe you actually do hate America. Let’s say you’re a commie. Should you buy my book anyway? Yes, most definitely. Why? Well, it’s published in Canada, and there’s no better way to show contempt for America than buying something from those maple-syrup-chugging Kanucks from the north. Canada’s like an anti-America. It even has French-speaking people.
Whether you love America or hate it, you should buy Christmas in Pandemonium. Please do. My ego depends upon it.