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Hailey Phillips Escapes the Terran Birdcage-Work in Progress
Before I really start promoting Christmas in Pandemonium, I figure I should talk about my other Work in Progress: Hailey Phillips Escapes the Terran Birdcage. It’s a 54,000-word novel set in 2199 when 16-year-old Hailey Phillips starts her first day at San Francisco Astronautics Academy. Hailey’s wanted to explore space since she was four, but her first day at school throws her for a loop when she discovers an alien named Ricou on the surface of Titan. Hailey learns that her elders have always known that intelligent life exists outside their solar system. However, Earth’s Global Governing Council has agreed not to travel outside their solar system to avoid offending the great Paiva Empire which is forbidden from conquering “primitive” species by intergalactic treaties. Hailey begins to see Earth through a different set of eyes: a world that has agreed to limit its own technological, social, and moral development in order to placate a powerful Empire that surrounds it.
Hailey makes a rash decision, as sixteen-year-olds are wont to do, and hitches a ride with Ricou out of the solar system, hoping to make it to the Flipto Confederation, a “free” polity outside the boundaries of the Paiva Empire, leaving Earth behind to live a free life on a foreign world. While her parents mourn her inevitable(?) death, Hailey dodges Killer Furball assassins and siphons anti-matter from alien motherships to get herself across the border and start a new life in the Flipto Confederation. Will Hailey survive? Or will she be captured and tortured to death by the Paiva, a race of gigantic bugs with a hankering for conquest and fresh meat?
Right now, the novel is in the Alpha Reading stage, with my Dad acting as the Alpha Reader. It’s about 54,000 words–a little short for a science fiction, but I’m aiming for a young adult market. Tell me what you think of the concept. I’ll start promoting Pandemonium in earnest on the July 4th weekend.
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Live in the Dream–Work in Progress
It’s been an exciting few weeks on the Pandemonium front with us getting the book cover approved and along with blurbs and other advertising material. I’m still pretty excited to see the story that got me writing come to life.
However, life goes on, and I go on to write other things. Next up in the dock is Live in the Dream, a science fiction novel of about 78,000 words that I’m currently putting through a second round of beta reading. It’s a story about Lucas, an artificial human grown in a jar living in the year 2192 and working as an accountant. The world is run by natural born people: morons obsessed with money and social status. Seems depressing? Yes, but Lucas copes because every day when he comes home he plugs his brain into a personal alcove where he gets to spend time with his virtual family in a utopian dream world. Furthermore, Lucas is a week away from retirement, where he gets to transfer his mind into the Dream 97 program permanently, leaving his physical body to rot and the “meat world” as he calls our physical world, to rot along with it.
That’s what he plans to do, only to log into the Dream on retirement day to find his family has been taken by someone with the means to hack the system. Now, to get them back, he has to travel across the world to retrieve each member of his virtual family from a different alcove, while in the background, a plot to destroy the Dream and the modern world along with it starts in motion.
I’ve already put it through one round of beta reading. After that, and after the finishing touches on my promotional material, I’ll start querying literary agents. I haven’t done that in a while since getting Pandemonium accepted by a publisher, but I know the basic process. Tell me what you think of the concept so far.
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The Cover has Been Corrected!
Yes, we finally got my name right.
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The Cover is Here!
Hello everyone! As you know, my novel “Christmas in Pandemonium” is coming out in September. Last week, I was finally given a peek at the cover. Here it is:
What do you all think? Honest feedback here. (Other than the name. Yes. I know. My name is John Willems. I will get that fixed.)
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Happy Memorial Day and Try Milk and Catfish
Happy Memorial Day everyone! I hope you get out and grill up some burgers and brats, noting the irony for a country that went to war with Germany twice to honor its fallen by cooking German inspired food to celebrate. Take a load off, go to the beach, or the lake, or whatever. Enjoy your extra day off.
In the event you plan to do any reading today, I do have a suggestion: Milk and Catfish. Yes, I thought you would be confused. Well, I’ll explain. As I was promoting my own books on Twitter, rather shamelessly I might add, I met a fellow author from Arkansas. While I live in West Virginia now, I was born and raised in Arkansas, so I hastened to make a connection with him. Thule Taffe is his name. He’s got two novels out with Purple Hull Press.
Now I haven’t gotten around to reading the second book, but I did read the first “Milk and Catfish.” It was an enjoyable read to say the least. To give a brief summary, it’s about what happens in small town Arkansas in 1980 when a group of senior citizens decide to start a rumor just to see how far it goes. Needless to say, it goes quite far, but I’ll let you learn the rest on your own. Here’s the link: Amazon.com: Milk and Catfish: A Novel about Rumors and Deer Hunting and Rumors about Deer Hunting: 9798987963272: Taaffe, Thule: Books
If you’ve got some time to burn during this long weekend, or during this long and lazy summer, give it a read.
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Andor is Better than Discovery, but Star Trek is still better than Star Wars
A few weeks ago, when doing my fake timeline for May the Fourth (what did you actually think I watched 10 movies in one day? How?), I noted my prior opinion that Star Trek is better than Star Wars, mostly because it is more consistent than Star Wars in providing solid, non-cringe inducing entertainment, but also because it actually deals in themes that are more relevant to modern life. Star Wars is a romantic fairy tale whereas Star Trek deals with more practical questions like curing some mysterious illness or solving a violent conflict between two warring groups. This isn’t to say Star Wars is bad. The Original Trilogy is the greatest movie series of all time, but after that the quality drops off dramatically. Indeed, since Disney took over, the product has been infamously hit and miss.
However, when Disney does something right with Star Wars, we should acknowledge that, and they’ve done something right with Andor. I just finished the show. What can you say: it’s fun show with realistic characters that keeps your attention throughout. It shows both a side of the rebellion and a side of the Empire we’ve never seen before. For the rebellion, the show reveals the underhanded, kind of shady part of creating, funding, and recruiting for an underground insurgency. For the Empire, it shows the machinery of the Empire guided not by Sith malice but by petty bureaucratic politics conducted by emotionally damaged people. And it does action scenes so well, I feel like I should have been taking notes.
I also recently finished watching Star Trek Discovery. It’s okay. That’s what I’ve got to say about it. Nothing Star Trek should be ashamed of, but not at the same level as Deep Space Nine or The Next Generation. Picard was good too, but it could have some cringeworthy moments such as when the Borg ask to join the Federation or the end where only old people can save us. Most episodes of Discovery are worth watching, but it’s weird at times because of the lengths they go to make the crew explicitly “found family.” The crew of the Enterprise in the prior series were like that, but they never had to say it out loud. Also, there are really awkward moments were everyone just kind of smiles at each other. I think they were trying to model a better kind of workplace, which I appreciate but this just comes across as weird. It’s like a lot of the show is about workplace drama, but it engages in a flaw that is admittedly one of Star Trek’s weaker points: imagining humanity as if it were perfect. Other people have pointed out that in Andor, characters act out of envy and greed like normal people, whereas in Star Trek, Starfleet officers are forced to take vacations. Not how public servants typically act.
Does this mean Star Wars has overtaken Star Trek in my estimation? No. It just means that one part of Star Wars, a massive franchise dating back to 1977, is more enjoyable than Star Trek, another massive franchise going back to the 1960s. Disney’s done well with the Mandalorian, Skeleton Crew, and Andor, but keep in mind this is the same studio that brought you the Acolyte and the Book of Boba Fett. I do think they’ve been more consistent making shows than movies, but that isn’t saying much after the last three movies they’ve produced. Star Trek continues to be consistent, producing quality television and more often than not, decent movies. I’m really looking forward to Season 3 of Strange New Worlds.
Nope, Star Wars is still that couple that had a whirlwind romance in the Riveria and thirty years later still has to go to marriage counseling. They haven’t given up, but they still can’t reignite the initial spark that brought them together. Star Trek is still that cute couple that met at the Comic Book store and thirty years later is making plans to take their grandkids around the country in an RV. We all have our ups and downs, but it’s better to have stability in life than high peaks followed by dramatic falls into the depth. I hope Disney keeps guiding Star Wars on a more consistent path, and maybe that means they should dump making more movies, at least until they can prove some level of competence at it.
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His Eminence: Lester Yastremski
As you may have heard, an American got elected to the Papacy last week. This comes as a surprise to this American Catholic, as any priest I’ve ever spoken to told me that there would never be an American Pope until we ceased being a superpower. (Wow, I just felt a chill down my spine for some reason!) Now, my upcoming publication Christmas in Pandemonium does deal with Christian themes, so I thought it would be relevant to speak with Leo XIV’s recently appointed papal nuncio, who was graciously willing to take my call. Now, you may wonder how I got to be such a high roller, but Leo XIV’s emissary to the U.S. happens to be none other than our good friend, Lester Yastremski.
Lester: Hey, good to see you again, buddy!
Me: Same here, but I have to ask, how did you get this job?
Lester: Like, I’ve got an uncle from Chicago, and he knows a guy who knows a guy, who knows Pope Bob, and he was able to get me this job as papal nunzo.
Me: Papal nuncio.
Lester: Yeah, imagine my surprise when they told me. I’m like, I’m not a nun, and boys can’t be nuns. At least that’s what I learned in Catholic school.
Me: Lester, last time we spoke, you were working as the Trump administration’s tariff czar…and as the Democrats’ point man on their response. Have you given up these other jobs?
Lester: No, man, I work from home. It’s the internet age. You can have like four jobs if you’re working from home. Just make sure you don’t overburden yourself or let on that you’re juggling other stuff when you’re supposed to be on the clock.
Me: What happens if you need to meet someone from the Trump administration as part of your role as papal nuncio?
Lester: I’ve worked that out. My job as trade czar only requires me to meet with Peter while my job as nunzo only requires me to meet with Marco, and those guys never speak with each other anyway.
Me: What qualifies you to hold this position? Do you have any kind of degree in Theology? Do you have a degree in anything?
Lester: Heh, what do I need a degree for to spread the Word of God to America?
Me: What is the Word of God?
Lester: Be awesome to each other.
Me: That’s from Bill and Ted.
Lester: Well, God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Me: Lester, a lot of people thought that Leo XIV got elected in part to send a message to Trump or to America writ large. Can you speak on this? Was there a message? What was it?
Lester: Yeah, I think it was “build bridges, not walls.” That’s what Pope Bob told me over the phone.
Me: I see. So, this is about America’s interactions with other countries. Trade, immigration, our relationship with allies and adversaries.
Lester: I thought it was about infrastructure. I told Marco they needed to build more bridges, so they started building bridges over every creek they could find. As for walls, Marco promised me they’re just building the one at the border.
Me: I don’t think that was the point, but what do I know. You’re the papal nuncio. I’ve got to say, I find your appointment to be…astoundingly corrupt, but you’ve done well for yourself Lester.
Lester: I might be doing better in a little bit (phone rings)…Wait, I’ve got to take this.
(Lester answers the phone. He nods his head and smiles before hanging up.)
Lester: Yeah! Awesome! I just got the call! I’m gonna be a Cardinal!
Me: God, I hope that’s not how that works. Well, let’s all congratulate His Eminence, Lester Yastremski, on becoming a prince of the church. And keep an eye out for my novel Christmas in Pandemonium, coming out in September.
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Unreliable Narrator: May the Fourth
As you all know, yesterday was May the Fourth, which is unofficially Star Wars Day. I have explained in the past that I think Star Trek is better than Star Wars for a host of reasons: it’s more consistent, it deals with the real problems our society actually deals with rather than appealing purely to emotion, it’s just better world building, etc. That being said, I do not hate Star Wars, so I decided to watch all nine movies yesterday rather than be a productive citizen, and I have produced a short review for each in order of release date.
Episode IV: A New Hope—What can be said that hasn’t already? It’s the reinvention of the Hero’s Journey. Luke Skywalker is like King Arthur pulling the sword from the stone. All the themes are there. The wise old mentor. The evil tyrant. The virtuous princess. The robotic slaves. Oh…wait, we’re not supposed to talk about that. Yeah, droids are slaves. They are clearly sentient, and they openly talk about being owned by organic people. I mean, C3PO and R2-D2 don’t appear to be mad about being slaves. They’re very loyal to Massah Luke. Anyway, Luke and his friends join the Rebel Alliance, blow up the Death Star, and strike a blow for freedom…for some people at least.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back—Inarguably the best movie in the series and containing the greatest plot twist in movie history. Of course, I’m talking about Boba Fett being revealed as a minor side character who doesn’t do much of anything rather than the badass as represented in fan forums. My Dad once explained to me that Boba Fett doesn’t say much, but he does a lot. My Dad’s a lousy liar. Boba Fett barely gets off the couch before being dispatched like a bitch in the next movie. Come at me, Boba fans.
Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi—The end of the original series and the one original trilogy movie hardcore fans will say is just “okay.” This begins the long-term relationship that Star Wars fans have with their own favorite movies: an initial whirlwind romance followed by a loveless marriage where both parties struggle to rekindle that initial passion rather than working on doing the things that actually sustain a relationship. This is how the honeymoon period ends: with Ewoks.
Episode I: The Phantom Menace–A man in blackface and a man in yellow face (think Charlie Chan) step into the screen and start giving you a lecture concerning politics and international trade. Halfway through, a ten-year-old boy walks on to the stage and starts shouting lame slogans such as “This is Pod Racing!” Then, a really impressive lightsaber fight happens over the course of ten minutes. You are left wondering whether this last part made the rest of the “movie” worth watching, and the answer is no.
Episode II: Attack of the Clones—We watch two robots, not C3PO or R2, fall in love while talking about politics. Meanwhile, Ewan MacGregor discovers an army being created for the Republic that the Republic didn’t ask for or was even aware of. Later, this same army comes to the rescue, and nobody asks any questions or has any problem relying on them to win a war. More fan service occurs.
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith—The one prequel movie the fans will say is just “okay” rather than gobsmackingly awful. We learn how democracy dies to thunderous applause and how a single soul can be lost to the dark side. People at the time thought George Lucas was making a comment about democracy in the age of Bush. Much like Idiocracy, it actually said a lot more about the time we live in today than the time the movie was made. Unlike Idiocracy, it doesn’t feature Crocs. Movie is good, but could have been better if we actually saw Jar-Jar get zapped by the Emperor.
Episode VII: The Force Awakes—J.J. Abrams stands in front of the screen with a projector and just plays the Original Star Wars movie while turning up the volume. This is considered the best of the sequel trilogy. Widely thought of as being “okay.”
Rogue One: Probably the best Star Wars movie since the Original Trilogy. Notable for not opening with the descending words, creating a group of original, likeable characters, and a final scene meant to approximate actual warfare. Essentially, the people who made this movie stopped being self-referential and indulging in fan service and instead asked how they could make an actual good movie that just happened to be set in the Star Wars universe.
Episode VIII: The Last Jedi—Rian Johnson takes all the lessons learned by Rogue One and burns them all in a bum’s oil drum outside the studio. Rather than creating original characters people like, he creates original characters people hate like Finn’s new Asian girlfriend and that admiral with purple hair. He then shits all over Luke and Leia so people hate them now too. Luke spends the movie reminding us how much we hated the prequels. We spend a lot of time in some bizarre casino, then go back to the Imperial battleship that was following the Rebel fleet the whole time. Nothing is ever accomplished. Critics loved this movie for subverting people’s expectations. Fans hated this movie because, for some reason no one can fathom, they still expect a movie with the name “Star Wars” to be good.
Solo: A Star Wars Movie—Please don’t make me watch this.
Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker—Unlike the Last Jedi, this movie was loved by fans and hated by critics, at least at first. Later, fans realized J.J. Abrams gave them exactly what they wanted, and it sucked. Emperor Palpatine is resurrected from the dead because we have no faith in the ability of the Sequel trilogy characters carrying this thing on their own. Kylo Ren wants to kill/convert/have sex with Rey the whole time. The Resistance, which was completely abandoned by the galaxy last movie, just has people show up out of nowhere with no organization or incentive to assault the Sith home world. The Knights of Ren show up for two minutes, die, and no one cares. Abrams retcons Rey’s parents because he had a gun pointed to his head, apparently.
And there you go, that’s Star Wars. May the Fourth be with you.
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Paid Promotion is a Scam
Hello, everyone, this week I’d like to address an issue that I’ve had to deal a lot with: paid promotion. Specifically, how it is a scam. Yes, paid promotion is a scam. I would hate to dismiss anyone like that, but the fact of the matter is that no one has ever presented me with any evidence that it works. That’s why I don’t use it. Furthermore, I’ve come into contact with one person after another on Twitter pretending to be a famous author who contacts me, trying to sell me on paid promotion. I seriously doubt that Suzanne Collins or Julia Quinn is really concerned about my lack of sales.
I’m not the only author who thinks so. I’ve brought another famous author to tell you about it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m honored to introduce all of you to the author of the Lord of the Rings: J.R.R. Tolkien! Dr. Tolkien, thank you for joining me.
Tolkien: Thank you for having me here, Jack.
Me: Explain how that happened. Some people might be under the impression that you’ve been dead for fifty years.
Tolkien: That’s what I want them to think, but as my favorite fan, you know better.
Me: Oh, thank you, I had no idea. Did you have a special message for my readers?
Tolkien: Yes, paid promotion is fraudulent. If paid promotion actually produced real results, they would be advertising those real results. They wouldn’t pretend to be famous authors if they had a real product to sell you. People with real substance don’t have to lie.
Me: Really?
Tolkien: Yeah, I mean, look at me. Even after the Hobbit, the Lord of the Rings still got rejected by like twelves publishers before Allen & Unwin decided to take it on. I had to make a few compromises like breaking it into three books and not publishing the Silmarillion with it, but I got my vision out. I didn’t need to pretend to be someone I wasn’t to publish my work because it had real substance.
Me: That’s great.
Tolkien: Yes. You don’t need a fake endorsement from a fraudulent author either, Jack. I’ve read both Beer Run books. Good enough to order physical copies. I’ve also read your manuscript for Christmas in Pandemonium. Pulitzer-worthy.
Me: Thank you, that means a lot to me.
Tolkien: Don’t mention it.
As you can see folks, if someone is falsely claiming to be some famous author to sell you something, you shouldn’t trust them. Also, buy Beer Run and Christmas in Pandemonium. They come endorsed by J.R.R. Tolkien. I’m also trading reviews with Arthur Conan Doyle so keep an eye on that. Here’s a link for Beer Run: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLSVRZN5
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Christmas in Pandemonium at Easter
Happy Easter everyone, and Happy Passover to those Jewish readers I have. I wonder if I have any Jewish readers, or Christian readers, or any readers. Supposedly, I have some, according to these statistics WordPress sends me every month. I take this opportunity to remind the world that I have a novel coming out in Mid-September: “Christmas in Pandemonium.” That’s why we’re talking Christmas at Easter.
To give a brief recap, “Christmas in Pandemonium” is a novel that takes place in Pandemonium, South Carolina, a town founded in 1620, before the foundation of South Carolina as a colony. While Plymouth was founded by Pilgrims and Pennsylvania was founded by Quakers, Pandemonium was founded by Satan-worshipping witches. They are ferried to the New World by the Strangers, a group of disreputable pirates turned religious fanatics after they witness the Witches commit an act of human sacrifice aboard their ship, the Charon. The two sides learn to work together after being threatened by a local Indian Tribe, and they go one to found Pandemonium. Throw in some African slaves and an obscure sect of Jewish werewolves in the 1890s, and you’ve got Pandemonium, a community that has existed for 400 years.
The story begins at Christmas in the present day. The Witches have become the most lackadaisical Satanists in human history, replacing the sacrifice of a human being with the crushing of a bug. The Strangers have sold their church to prosperity gospel preacher Miles Simon. When Simons finds the Strangers have a vampire named Theo in their basement that can hypnotize people. Simon proposes to Theo that he hypnotize Simon’s congregation into giving him more money, offering to split the profits. Theo turns him down, leading Simon to resurrect Scratch, Theo’s vampiric rival. Scratch is a theocratic vampire, who kills men, women, and children, believing God wants him to do this. Scratch quickly dispatches Simon, and now Theo, along with his fellow Pandemonians, have to bring him down. The book is about 92,000 words.
“Christmas in Pandemonium” was supposed to come out last Christmas, but it is now set to come out in mid-September due to delays caused by the Canadian mail carriers strike. That’s why we’re talking about Christmas at Easter. I invite you to mark your calendars.
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