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Reading Room Ruffians Interview is Up!
After much anticipation, my interview with the Reading Room Ruffians is now available. Check it out here: https://www.buzzsprout.com/2165674/episodes/16833027
In this interview, I discuss Beer Run and Beer Run II, Christmas in Pandemonium coming out in September, and the other projects I am working on.
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Jack Willems Is (Not) Dead
Hey everyone! I wasn’t lying. I was on a podcast last Monday. It won’t be posted until next week. I’ll post it here and on Twitter when it is up. In the meantime, I thought I would share this odd news article I found. Remember what Aristotle said: “Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.”
USA Supernews.com–
Jack Willems, famed author (Holy cow! Famed author! Someone said that! Do it again! Do it again!) has died at the age of 38 (Huh?). At approximately 3 pm today, his car overturned on Interstate Route 5 in California. (I live in West Virginia) He is mourned by his wife Alexandra Daddario (Hey, I did well in life) and 50 kids. Willems found success in publishing, having written such best sellers such as The Lord of the Rings, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and the Bible. (People in heaven can’t sue me for defamation or copyright infringement, so okay, go with it)
Willems died in the same car as three other celebrities as Will Smith, Madelein Albright, and Pope Francis I (and I’m still the headline? Amazing). It appears the accident was caused by a freak tornado. (On the west coast?) Congressmen are already calling for an investigation as to how this could happen. Fingers are already being pointed at North Korea or the Russians. (Who have apparently discovered Cobra’s weather disruptor.)
Every year, billions of Americans die in car accidents. (There’s never been a billion Americans. Probably due to all the car accidents) It’s largely due to all the people driving under the influence of Coca-Cola, the leading cause of road rage. (I guess that makes sense if you’ve seen my real wife.)
Willems’ loyal readers were in mourning upon hearing his death. (Yeah, my parents would be upset about that.) Many wonder who the new top dog in the publishing world will be. (Fairly certain there are actual dogs with wider readership than me right now.) Rest in peace, Jack Willems. (I’ll try to get to sleep at least.)
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Announcements: Week of Feb. 24
I just wanted to make a few announcements this week. The first is that next Monday, I’ll be recording a podcast with the Reading Room Ruffians of the Jackson County Public Library. We’ll be talking about writing generally, Beer Run, and my future projects, including Christmas in Pandemonium.
By the way, I should note that I’m working on a sequel to Christmas in Pandemonium. I’ve got a complete manuscript and have put it through two beta readers so far. I’ve actually got a lot cooking, with a separate novel called Living in the Dream that I’m going to put through a second round of Beta readers in a month or so. Then I’ll start shopping it around with agents.
Also, I’m working on a young adult novel about a girl who runs away from home…on a spaceship whereby she escapes planet Earth and an evil alien empire. Fun stuff, but it’s only in the initial drafting stage. I’m at less than 10,000 words right now. Still, it’s something to occupy my time. I’ve got a lot to do. Hopefully, my readers can say the same.
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Modest Proposal: Annex the Moon
We try not to be too political here on the Nook, but for reasons pertaining to Original Sin, I do feel the need to comment on politics occasionally. Let’s just say someone, a certain man, has proposed that America annex Greenland, Canada, the Panama Canal, and the Gaza Strip, in that order. Clearly, these proposals have a lot of issues to work through, starting with the fact that none of the people who live in these places want to be part of America.
But it got me thinking. It seems that clearly the current administration wants some kind of territorial expansion. That wasn’t on anyone’s bingo card. I mean, we can’t even decide what to do with Puerto Rico. However, if the people at the White House really need to expand territorially, I have a solution. Imagine a piece of newly discovered land, nearly four times the size of the U.S., with no inhabitants yet plentiful natural resources, that America has a unique claim to based on the fact that we got there first. I am, of course, talking about the moon. Yes, the moon.
Look, we can truthfully say we have dibs. Neil Armstrong planted old glory on that sucker back in 1969, and unlike other with conquistadores, no one lives on the land. Nope, there are no indigenous people on the moon. It has no atmosphere. Now, I know about the possible objections. “Jack, aren’t there a million billion treaties saying we can’t annex the moon.” No, there are only two, but common, international treaties? At this point, those are like toilet paper. Yes, I know other countries have landed spacecraft on the moon, but we’re the only country to land people on the moon. As far as I can tell, the only real objection is that you can’t put a casino or resort on the moon, yet.
It’s not like any other country really has the resources to regularly visit the moon, and NASA already has plans to exploit the minerals on the moon. Furthermore, it provides America with a whole new revenue source to pay for all this debt we have. Imagine looking up at a harvest moon one autumn evening and seeing letters spell out “Coca-Cola.” That’s got to be worth a few Super Bowl ads. It would bring in millions. Now, there will be objections. “Jack, you can’t put advertisements on the moon. The moon belongs to everyone. Blah, blah, blah.” Nonsensical emotion, I say. Heh, I think we’ve been pretty gracious since landing on the moon in 1969. We’ve let other people land spacecraft on our property, and we’ve never tried to charge royalties to poets or musicians who refer to it in lyrics.
Most importantly, it allows the man in the White House to say that he expanded the U.S. territorially. Hell, he’s quintupled it. After that, he should be satisfied and will stop saying America will annex territory every time he’s called to weigh in on any international dispute. All the other countries can exhale and bless their lucky stars that he’s got it out of his system. I don’t see any other solution to that problem, do you? So, it’s settled: America owns the moon now. The next time you look up at the night sky, close your eyes and hum “America the Beautiful” to yourself. You’re welcome.
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Unreliable Narrator: Super Bowl 59
I haven’t posted in a while, partially due to a lull in publishing activity and partially due to my right shoulder exploding in pain. Now, I’m back on the mend and back to writing. Time for an episode of Unreliable Narrator: Super Bowl 59
Pre-Game: Donald Trump announces he will be attending the game and picks the Chiefs to win by three. This is controversial as prior presidents had not attended the game, and the last time the Eagles won, Trump disinvited them from coming to the White House when some team members said they wouldn’t go. “I’m looking forward to the game,” Trump says. “I don’t hold any kind of grudge, honest. It’s not my way.”
First Quarter 15:00—As both teams take the field, Swifty the Great and Terrible transforms into a great red dragon as she did the year before. However, Jalen Hurts takes out the Amulet of Lost Souls and captures Swifty’s essence. Robbed of her immense power, the Eagles proceed to fight the Chiefs on an even playing field. We go to commercial.
First Commercial—Budweiser does its annual “inspiration ad” involving elegant Drysdales and cute little puppies. Unbeknownst to the public, the commercials have a series of subliminal images of AmBev CEO Jean Jereissati standing next to a bottling line. Jereissati takes a Budweiser bottle, urinates in it, and places the bottle on the bottling line, all while looking directly at the camera. The message ends with Jereissati showing the camera his middle finger and saying, “You’ll drink it, morons.”
First Quarter 7:34—The Eagles have already taken a commanding 91-point lead. The Chiefs run for the exits, trying as hard as they can to get off the field, but to no avail as the Eagles pound them like a bunch of child molesters in prison. Travis Kelce prays for death as he’s strapped to a wooden rack and stretched, while Patrick Mahomes watches helplessly as his teammates are subjected to water torture.
Second Commercial—Marvel unveils the next movie in the MCU: a thrilling spy movie where not-Captain America, not-Black Widow, and the rest of the not-Avengers are sent on a mission to find and beat a dead horse before not-Thanos succeeds at…something.
Second Quarter 12:37—The Chiefs have been tied up in bamboo cages and hung above a massive bonfire in the middle of the field. Swifty, now bereft of her power, appears briefly, and is greeted by boos and chants of “burn the witch!”
Second Quarter 6:12—Donald Trump announces a 25% tariff on Philadelphia, to be enforced at the end of the game. This is really a negotiating tactic to force the Eagles to allow the Chiefs to win, as he really doesn’t want to have to invite the Eagles to the White House after what happened last time. Trump’s aides attempt to inform him that he can’t put tariffs on an American city like Philadelphia. (It even used to be the Capitol.) These people are fired and replaced by people willing to tell Trump that Philly will be tariffed right away.
Halftime Show—Kendrick Lamar’s halftime show proves that Americans, if given the choice, would really prefer Samuel L. Jackson be President. One of the dancers starts reciting a political manifesto, mid-song, advocating Anarcho-Capitalism, making it the only other part of this halftime show anyone would remember. At some point, a guy drops dead from a heart attack, but I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.
Third Quarter 9:34—Bored with merely humiliating the Chiefs, the Eagles transform into actual eagles, flying to Kansas City and shitting on every car they can find. Watching this at home, Roger Goodell wonders out loud “I rigged the AFC championship for this?”
Third Commercial—Upon seeing a commercial with Meg Ryan eating mayonnaise on a sandwich from Katz Deli, the nation of Israel bombs Hellman’s corporate headquarters in defense of the Jewish people. “An abomination,” says Netanyahu. “We will never forget this insult.” The U.N. immediately calls for a ceasefire when informed that this could lead to the world being required to use Miracle Whip.
Third Quarter 0:34—The Chiefs momentarily escape from their cages and score one touchdown, resulting in a score of 234 to 6 in favor of the Eagles. In response, Trump announces a momentary pause in the tariff on Philadelphia. His online supporters congratulate Trump on winning big. “America is back baby!”
Fourth Commercial—Snoop Dogg and Tom Brady help us understand why hate is stupid by listing a lot of stupid reasons why people hate each other. This is a revelation to the American public, as most of us previously thought hate was good. We all learned a valuable lesson.
Fourth Quarter 9:47—The Eagles fly to the White House still in bird form and proceed to shit all over the White House, the Capitol, and all of the surrounding office buildings. Jalen Hurts flies directly into Trump’s box and pecks out the President’s eyes. The secret service scream in terror.
Fifth Commercial—Him & Hers open their commercial with a screed against corporate America and its evil plan to sell us things. Diet and exercise are, of course, futile against the hypnotic powers of advertising. The solution to this systemic injustice, of course, is to buy their product, which is like the pure side of the Force, or so says their ad.
Fourth Quarter 0:00—The game ends with the Chiefs being allowed to score twice more, ending in a score of 234 to 22 in favor of the Eagles. Trump points to these final two scores and declares victory from the Oval Office as his eyes gush blood. The tariff threat is completely withdrawn in exchange for a Gino’s cheesesteak with cheese wiz. Jalen Hurts laughs as he dangles the Amulet of Lost Souls in front of the diminished Swifty, flying away with her power. The Eagles later all go to Disney World…and shit all over everything there. That’s Philly for you.
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Jack Willems: Liar and Hypocrite
After several delays, I am happy to announce that the manuscript for Christmas in Pandemonium has arrived at the publishing house. Despite their best efforts, the Canadian Mail Service has not foiled publication of my novel. However, I am unhappy to announce that because it is a Christmas novel I have written, publication will be put off until mid to late September of this year for marketing reasons. Alas, publication may not have been prevented, but it has been delayed. Perhaps it’s for the best.
This brings us to today’s subject. As you know, I’ve taken a stance in this blog that Christmas creep, people celebrating Christmas months too early, is a real problem in our society, artificially inflating the influence of this one holiday far beyond what it has any reasonable right to claim. I am now releasing a Christmas book in September, likely a month and a half before Halloween, a holiday I have contrasted favorably with Christmas as knowing what its cultural niche is. It’s official: I’m a hypocrite.
I have no excuse. Well, I have several. It’s a novel. You can’t start selling a Christmas novel halfway through November. It takes time to get the word out. The original plan was to release it on Christmas Day 2024, so it’s not three months early. It’s nine months late. It has vampires and werewolves in it so it’s really more of a Halloween novel. That takes place at Christmas. Hey, I got it published. That’s the important thing.
Needless to say, I will be taking a break from This Week in Pandemonium given this hiccup in the production schedule. At this point, we would circle around to when I started in April. Instead, I’ll concentrate more on raising people’s interest by giving them samples of my more creative writing through features like Unreliable Narrator and Mandatory Five Star Reviews. I might think of some other feature to promote Pandemonium. I’ve also drafted a sequel to Christmas in Pandemonium, which I will be trying to refine and revise.
I thoroughly apologize to anyone who wanted to buy Christmas in Pandemonium as a St. Valentine’s Day gift. Or a St. Patrick’s Day gift. Or a Groundshog Day gift. However, life isn’t predictable and publishing sure as hell isn’t. I hope you come back and buy my novel in September when it’s out. Sorry for the delay. Thank you for your patience.
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This Week in Pandemonium: Jan. 20-26
Happy Dr. King’s Day everyone! I assume that like me you are all snowed in! Try to celebrate the best you can, anyway, with playoff football, snowball fights, and indoor comfort food!
January 20, 1783—Great Britain signs preliminary articles of peace with the Kingdom of France, paving the way for an end to the American war of Independence. The Witches celebrate as the Strangers mourn, leading to a five-day party draining most of the city’s beer and hard cider. When the Witches ask the Strangers to fetch more, the Strangers bring back barrels of piss and vinegar, which the inebriated Witches stupidly drink, making themselves sick.
January 21, 1977—President Carter pardons hundreds of thousands of men who evaded the draft during the Vietnam War. On an unrelated note, future Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood comes home to take a position as assistant Satanic High Priest under Alistair Grimsley, having spent the last seven years in Ontario, attempting to corner the lucrative Maple syrup market.
January 22, 1992—Cramner University is on the receiving end of a bomb sent by Ted Kacynski, the infamous Unabomber. The bomb detonates in the University’s engineering department, killing Prof. Jacob Smythe and injuring his assistant. Kacynski is later caught, tried, and sentenced to a life in prison. The manifesto he sends to the New York Times famously refers to Cramner’s history of Satanism, noting that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from black magic.
January 23, 1983—In cooperation with the Second Satanic Temple, Wham-O produces a flying broom toy that vibrates when a button is pushed. However, this toy is quickly recalled when market research discovers that the toy is disproportionately bought by teenage girls.
January 24, 1781—Francis Marion, the “Swamp Fox,” raids Georgetown, South Carolina, capturing three officers. Among Marion’s men are three Witches from Pandemonium. The captured officers refuse to talk until the Witch militia men make them stare into a campfire that turns a dark shade of green.
January 25, 1897—In imitation of Nellie Bly, James White, reporter for the Pandemonium Lament, attempts to circumnavigate the globe in 60 days, setting sail from Charleston on this date. At first, he appears to have succeeded, but questions are raised when his journal includes an encounter with a genie in Egypt and reports that Korean people have insect wings “not unlike fairies.” Witnesses later come forward reporting that the boat White left on turned around a day afterwards and that White was seen hanging out in a Charleston bar under an assumed name.
January 26, 1966—Pandemonium native Barry “the Warlock” Schmidt begins his professional wrestling career with the American Wrestling Association, training under Verne Gagne. Schmidt, a classic heel, played up his hometown connection to a city made infamous for witchcraft. This is odd to Pandemonium locals as Schmidt grew up as a Ze’ev, not as a Witch. Schmidt has a thirty-year career, notable for his inability to perform on a full moon.
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This Week in Pandemonium: Jan. 13-19
While we are waiting for Christmas in Pandemonium to arrive at the publishing house, we may as well start up This Week in Pandemonium.
January 13, 1972—Marlon Milton, the first Fieldhand councilmember since Reconstruction, is sworn in and takes his seat on the town council. Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson opens Milton’s first council meeting by cursing Milton in that public forum, requesting that Satan cause Milton to lose his seat, his hair, and his life. Satan goes one out of three, as Milton serves three terms on the council and lives to be 82, though he does fall prey to male pattern baldness.
January 14, 1967—Pandemonium has its own “Human Be-in” in imitation of the San Francisco gathering, in what would evolve into the “Summer of Love.” The Summer of Love ends early in Pandemonium, however, as the elderly Witch community takes that phrase as permission to revive an old Witch tradition, holding a mass sexual orgy in the middle of the town square. The average age of this orgy is 72. The young people of Pandemonium stop dressing like hippies the day after.
January 15, 1924—The Great Moonshine Flood of 1924 occurs. As Prohibition continues, illicit liquor production in Pandemonium reaches its zenith. When a group of federal enforcement agents raid Dravidius Ravenwood’s hidden distilleries, Ravenwood dumps his product into the streets. Pandemonium’s streets are flooded in sweet corn liquor and the entire Witch side of town gets drunk on Ravenwood’s bad luck.
January 16, 1939—A year after their performance at Carnegie Hall, Benny Goodman performs at the Athena Oratorium. He is welcomed by both the Fieldhand and Ze’ev communities, who manage to inhabit the same building without attacking each other to see him.
January 17, 1781—The Battle of Cowpens: Brigadier General Daniel Morgan defeats British forces under Lieutenant Colonel Banastre Tarleton in South Carolina. The participation of the Witch militia is instrumental in Tarleton’s defeat. Legend has it, Tarleton was the victim of a curse by the Patriot Witches, who sacrificed a dog specifically for the purpose.
January 18, 1963—Fieldhand and civil rights activist Willie Jackson becomes the first black man to play a professional hockey game in South Carolina for a local minor league team. The local civil rights movement is stunned to find little to no protest against this act of integration. It turns out, most people in South Carolina had no idea professional hockey existed in their state.
January 19, 1883—Pandemonium’s first electric lighting system with overhead wiring is built, less than a year after Thomas Edison’s Pearl Street Plant. Within a few years, the city square is covered in a tangle of overhead wires such that residents cannot see town hall from the storefronts of the square.
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Cause of Delay-Canadian Postal Worker
We still don’t have a solid publication date for Christmas in Pandemonium. The primary cause is the Canadian Postal Worker Strike. You see, I Ain’t No Marionette Press, my publisher, is based in Ontario. Due to a variety of reasons, the postal workers union in Canada went on strike back in November and only temporarily returned to work December 17 after management agreed to a small raise. However, due to the backlog, even now we are having problems getting packages out of Canada in January, which is what we need to do to publish the book.
Look, I understand that these collective bargaining issues are complicated, and I’m just an ignorant American trying to get a book published. If I’m lucky, maybe I could sell 50 copies. However, I am willing to step in and make an offer to resolve this thing: $3,000. Yes, you heard me, $3000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Canadian Postal Workers Union, for $3000. And that’s American Greenbacks, not Canadian money. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “We’re a national union made up of thousand of postal workers. What difference would $3000 make?” But here’s the thing: you can use the $3000 anyway that you want. No strings attached. I don’t even really care if you end the strike, just get my transcript to the printers.
Oh, so $3000 isn’t enough for you? We’ll, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but our new President has threatened to annex you, and I predict that things might not go so well for your little concern once you’ve been conquered by Comandante Trump. He’s a vindictive guy, and he always gets his man. That’s why Hilary Clinton is in prison, Mexico paid for us to build a border wall and then dig a moat, and people in Greenland now speak English and eat Freedom Fries. I see your PM resigned. Couldn’t take the heat. It definitely had to do with Trump. Nothing to do with the polls showing him down by 20 points after being in office for nine years. I mean, who’s that guy think he is? George Bush?
Okay, maybe I’m overreacting. Our neighbors up north are entitled to have their own problems. God knows we’ve got enough of our own. The mail being late is obviously a small one. Just please, good people of Canada, get my transcript over the border. You’re killing me. I named the book: Christmas in Pandemonium. It’s coming out in February. I’m an idiot.
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