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Unreliable Narrator: Super Bowl 59
I haven’t posted in a while, partially due to a lull in publishing activity and partially due to my right shoulder exploding in pain. Now, I’m back on the mend and back to writing. Time for an episode of Unreliable Narrator: Super Bowl 59
Pre-Game: Donald Trump announces he will be attending the game and picks the Chiefs to win by three. This is controversial as prior presidents had not attended the game, and the last time the Eagles won, Trump disinvited them from coming to the White House when some team members said they wouldn’t go. “I’m looking forward to the game,” Trump says. “I don’t hold any kind of grudge, honest. It’s not my way.”
First Quarter 15:00—As both teams take the field, Swifty the Great and Terrible transforms into a great red dragon as she did the year before. However, Jalen Hurts takes out the Amulet of Lost Souls and captures Swifty’s essence. Robbed of her immense power, the Eagles proceed to fight the Chiefs on an even playing field. We go to commercial.
First Commercial—Budweiser does its annual “inspiration ad” involving elegant Drysdales and cute little puppies. Unbeknownst to the public, the commercials have a series of subliminal images of AmBev CEO Jean Jereissati standing next to a bottling line. Jereissati takes a Budweiser bottle, urinates in it, and places the bottle on the bottling line, all while looking directly at the camera. The message ends with Jereissati showing the camera his middle finger and saying, “You’ll drink it, morons.”
First Quarter 7:34—The Eagles have already taken a commanding 91-point lead. The Chiefs run for the exits, trying as hard as they can to get off the field, but to no avail as the Eagles pound them like a bunch of child molesters in prison. Travis Kelce prays for death as he’s strapped to a wooden rack and stretched, while Patrick Mahomes watches helplessly as his teammates are subjected to water torture.
Second Commercial—Marvel unveils the next movie in the MCU: a thrilling spy movie where not-Captain America, not-Black Widow, and the rest of the not-Avengers are sent on a mission to find and beat a dead horse before not-Thanos succeeds at…something.
Second Quarter 12:37—The Chiefs have been tied up in bamboo cages and hung above a massive bonfire in the middle of the field. Swifty, now bereft of her power, appears briefly, and is greeted by boos and chants of “burn the witch!”
Second Quarter 6:12—Donald Trump announces a 25% tariff on Philadelphia, to be enforced at the end of the game. This is really a negotiating tactic to force the Eagles to allow the Chiefs to win, as he really doesn’t want to have to invite the Eagles to the White House after what happened last time. Trump’s aides attempt to inform him that he can’t put tariffs on an American city like Philadelphia. (It even used to be the Capitol.) These people are fired and replaced by people willing to tell Trump that Philly will be tariffed right away.
Halftime Show—Kendrick Lamar’s halftime show proves that Americans, if given the choice, would really prefer Samuel L. Jackson be President. One of the dancers starts reciting a political manifesto, mid-song, advocating Anarcho-Capitalism, making it the only other part of this halftime show anyone would remember. At some point, a guy drops dead from a heart attack, but I don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention.
Third Quarter 9:34—Bored with merely humiliating the Chiefs, the Eagles transform into actual eagles, flying to Kansas City and shitting on every car they can find. Watching this at home, Roger Goodell wonders out loud “I rigged the AFC championship for this?”
Third Commercial—Upon seeing a commercial with Meg Ryan eating mayonnaise on a sandwich from Katz Deli, the nation of Israel bombs Hellman’s corporate headquarters in defense of the Jewish people. “An abomination,” says Netanyahu. “We will never forget this insult.” The U.N. immediately calls for a ceasefire when informed that this could lead to the world being required to use Miracle Whip.
Third Quarter 0:34—The Chiefs momentarily escape from their cages and score one touchdown, resulting in a score of 234 to 6 in favor of the Eagles. In response, Trump announces a momentary pause in the tariff on Philadelphia. His online supporters congratulate Trump on winning big. “America is back baby!”
Fourth Commercial—Snoop Dogg and Tom Brady help us understand why hate is stupid by listing a lot of stupid reasons why people hate each other. This is a revelation to the American public, as most of us previously thought hate was good. We all learned a valuable lesson.
Fourth Quarter 9:47—The Eagles fly to the White House still in bird form and proceed to shit all over the White House, the Capitol, and all of the surrounding office buildings. Jalen Hurts flies directly into Trump’s box and pecks out the President’s eyes. The secret service scream in terror.
Fifth Commercial—Him & Hers open their commercial with a screed against corporate America and its evil plan to sell us things. Diet and exercise are, of course, futile against the hypnotic powers of advertising. The solution to this systemic injustice, of course, is to buy their product, which is like the pure side of the Force, or so says their ad.
Fourth Quarter 0:00—The game ends with the Chiefs being allowed to score twice more, ending in a score of 234 to 22 in favor of the Eagles. Trump points to these final two scores and declares victory from the Oval Office as his eyes gush blood. The tariff threat is completely withdrawn in exchange for a Gino’s cheesesteak with cheese wiz. Jalen Hurts laughs as he dangles the Amulet of Lost Souls in front of the diminished Swifty, flying away with her power. The Eagles later all go to Disney World…and shit all over everything there. That’s Philly for you.
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Jack Willems: Liar and Hypocrite
After several delays, I am happy to announce that the manuscript for Christmas in Pandemonium has arrived at the publishing house. Despite their best efforts, the Canadian Mail Service has not foiled publication of my novel. However, I am unhappy to announce that because it is a Christmas novel I have written, publication will be put off until mid to late September of this year for marketing reasons. Alas, publication may not have been prevented, but it has been delayed. Perhaps it’s for the best.
This brings us to today’s subject. As you know, I’ve taken a stance in this blog that Christmas creep, people celebrating Christmas months too early, is a real problem in our society, artificially inflating the influence of this one holiday far beyond what it has any reasonable right to claim. I am now releasing a Christmas book in September, likely a month and a half before Halloween, a holiday I have contrasted favorably with Christmas as knowing what its cultural niche is. It’s official: I’m a hypocrite.
I have no excuse. Well, I have several. It’s a novel. You can’t start selling a Christmas novel halfway through November. It takes time to get the word out. The original plan was to release it on Christmas Day 2024, so it’s not three months early. It’s nine months late. It has vampires and werewolves in it so it’s really more of a Halloween novel. That takes place at Christmas. Hey, I got it published. That’s the important thing.
Needless to say, I will be taking a break from This Week in Pandemonium given this hiccup in the production schedule. At this point, we would circle around to when I started in April. Instead, I’ll concentrate more on raising people’s interest by giving them samples of my more creative writing through features like Unreliable Narrator and Mandatory Five Star Reviews. I might think of some other feature to promote Pandemonium. I’ve also drafted a sequel to Christmas in Pandemonium, which I will be trying to refine and revise.
I thoroughly apologize to anyone who wanted to buy Christmas in Pandemonium as a St. Valentine’s Day gift. Or a St. Patrick’s Day gift. Or a Groundshog Day gift. However, life isn’t predictable and publishing sure as hell isn’t. I hope you come back and buy my novel in September when it’s out. Sorry for the delay. Thank you for your patience.
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This Week in Pandemonium: Jan. 20-26
Happy Dr. King’s Day everyone! I assume that like me you are all snowed in! Try to celebrate the best you can, anyway, with playoff football, snowball fights, and indoor comfort food!
January 20, 1783—Great Britain signs preliminary articles of peace with the Kingdom of France, paving the way for an end to the American war of Independence. The Witches celebrate as the Strangers mourn, leading to a five-day party draining most of the city’s beer and hard cider. When the Witches ask the Strangers to fetch more, the Strangers bring back barrels of piss and vinegar, which the inebriated Witches stupidly drink, making themselves sick.
January 21, 1977—President Carter pardons hundreds of thousands of men who evaded the draft during the Vietnam War. On an unrelated note, future Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood comes home to take a position as assistant Satanic High Priest under Alistair Grimsley, having spent the last seven years in Ontario, attempting to corner the lucrative Maple syrup market.
January 22, 1992—Cramner University is on the receiving end of a bomb sent by Ted Kacynski, the infamous Unabomber. The bomb detonates in the University’s engineering department, killing Prof. Jacob Smythe and injuring his assistant. Kacynski is later caught, tried, and sentenced to a life in prison. The manifesto he sends to the New York Times famously refers to Cramner’s history of Satanism, noting that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from black magic.
January 23, 1983—In cooperation with the Second Satanic Temple, Wham-O produces a flying broom toy that vibrates when a button is pushed. However, this toy is quickly recalled when market research discovers that the toy is disproportionately bought by teenage girls.
January 24, 1781—Francis Marion, the “Swamp Fox,” raids Georgetown, South Carolina, capturing three officers. Among Marion’s men are three Witches from Pandemonium. The captured officers refuse to talk until the Witch militia men make them stare into a campfire that turns a dark shade of green.
January 25, 1897—In imitation of Nellie Bly, James White, reporter for the Pandemonium Lament, attempts to circumnavigate the globe in 60 days, setting sail from Charleston on this date. At first, he appears to have succeeded, but questions are raised when his journal includes an encounter with a genie in Egypt and reports that Korean people have insect wings “not unlike fairies.” Witnesses later come forward reporting that the boat White left on turned around a day afterwards and that White was seen hanging out in a Charleston bar under an assumed name.
January 26, 1966—Pandemonium native Barry “the Warlock” Schmidt begins his professional wrestling career with the American Wrestling Association, training under Verne Gagne. Schmidt, a classic heel, played up his hometown connection to a city made infamous for witchcraft. This is odd to Pandemonium locals as Schmidt grew up as a Ze’ev, not as a Witch. Schmidt has a thirty-year career, notable for his inability to perform on a full moon.
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This Week in Pandemonium: Jan. 13-19
While we are waiting for Christmas in Pandemonium to arrive at the publishing house, we may as well start up This Week in Pandemonium.
January 13, 1972—Marlon Milton, the first Fieldhand councilmember since Reconstruction, is sworn in and takes his seat on the town council. Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson opens Milton’s first council meeting by cursing Milton in that public forum, requesting that Satan cause Milton to lose his seat, his hair, and his life. Satan goes one out of three, as Milton serves three terms on the council and lives to be 82, though he does fall prey to male pattern baldness.
January 14, 1967—Pandemonium has its own “Human Be-in” in imitation of the San Francisco gathering, in what would evolve into the “Summer of Love.” The Summer of Love ends early in Pandemonium, however, as the elderly Witch community takes that phrase as permission to revive an old Witch tradition, holding a mass sexual orgy in the middle of the town square. The average age of this orgy is 72. The young people of Pandemonium stop dressing like hippies the day after.
January 15, 1924—The Great Moonshine Flood of 1924 occurs. As Prohibition continues, illicit liquor production in Pandemonium reaches its zenith. When a group of federal enforcement agents raid Dravidius Ravenwood’s hidden distilleries, Ravenwood dumps his product into the streets. Pandemonium’s streets are flooded in sweet corn liquor and the entire Witch side of town gets drunk on Ravenwood’s bad luck.
January 16, 1939—A year after their performance at Carnegie Hall, Benny Goodman performs at the Athena Oratorium. He is welcomed by both the Fieldhand and Ze’ev communities, who manage to inhabit the same building without attacking each other to see him.
January 17, 1781—The Battle of Cowpens: Brigadier General Daniel Morgan defeats British forces under Lieutenant Colonel Banastre Tarleton in South Carolina. The participation of the Witch militia is instrumental in Tarleton’s defeat. Legend has it, Tarleton was the victim of a curse by the Patriot Witches, who sacrificed a dog specifically for the purpose.
January 18, 1963—Fieldhand and civil rights activist Willie Jackson becomes the first black man to play a professional hockey game in South Carolina for a local minor league team. The local civil rights movement is stunned to find little to no protest against this act of integration. It turns out, most people in South Carolina had no idea professional hockey existed in their state.
January 19, 1883—Pandemonium’s first electric lighting system with overhead wiring is built, less than a year after Thomas Edison’s Pearl Street Plant. Within a few years, the city square is covered in a tangle of overhead wires such that residents cannot see town hall from the storefronts of the square.
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Cause of Delay-Canadian Postal Worker
We still don’t have a solid publication date for Christmas in Pandemonium. The primary cause is the Canadian Postal Worker Strike. You see, I Ain’t No Marionette Press, my publisher, is based in Ontario. Due to a variety of reasons, the postal workers union in Canada went on strike back in November and only temporarily returned to work December 17 after management agreed to a small raise. However, due to the backlog, even now we are having problems getting packages out of Canada in January, which is what we need to do to publish the book.
Look, I understand that these collective bargaining issues are complicated, and I’m just an ignorant American trying to get a book published. If I’m lucky, maybe I could sell 50 copies. However, I am willing to step in and make an offer to resolve this thing: $3,000. Yes, you heard me, $3000. Here it is right here. A check made out to you, the Canadian Postal Workers Union, for $3000. And that’s American Greenbacks, not Canadian money. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “We’re a national union made up of thousand of postal workers. What difference would $3000 make?” But here’s the thing: you can use the $3000 anyway that you want. No strings attached. I don’t even really care if you end the strike, just get my transcript to the printers.
Oh, so $3000 isn’t enough for you? We’ll, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but our new President has threatened to annex you, and I predict that things might not go so well for your little concern once you’ve been conquered by Comandante Trump. He’s a vindictive guy, and he always gets his man. That’s why Hilary Clinton is in prison, Mexico paid for us to build a border wall and then dig a moat, and people in Greenland now speak English and eat Freedom Fries. I see your PM resigned. Couldn’t take the heat. It definitely had to do with Trump. Nothing to do with the polls showing him down by 20 points after being in office for nine years. I mean, who’s that guy think he is? George Bush?
Okay, maybe I’m overreacting. Our neighbors up north are entitled to have their own problems. God knows we’ve got enough of our own. The mail being late is obviously a small one. Just please, good people of Canada, get my transcript over the border. You’re killing me. I named the book: Christmas in Pandemonium. It’s coming out in February. I’m an idiot.
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Unfortunate Delay
I am afraid I must be the bearer of bad news: due to unforeseen circumstances, the publication of Christmas in Pandemonium will not take place Christmas Day. We are now aiming for a release date next month. My apologies for this double fake, but release dates are always an unsure thing. In other news, Christmas in Pandemonium is a great gift for next Christmas.
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This Week in Pandemonium: Dec. 16-22
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Crazy Kwanzaa, Tip Top Tet, and a Solemn and Dignified Ramadan to everyone who can remember this reference, and the rest of you as well. We are still looking at a Christmas release date for Christmas in Pandemonium. Here’s this week in Pandemonium:
December 16, 1773—The Boston Tea Party occurs in Boston. Pandemonium residents, upon hearing the news, take sides, with the Loyalist Strangers holding impromptu tea parties with taxed tea and the Witches renaming the local tavern the Green Dragon and getting so drunk that the Witch community wakes up to find themselves dressed as Indians with none of the revelers remembering why or how they got in such a way.
December 17, 1970–Opportunistic Witch, Carl Goode, publishes How the Minch Stole the Winter Solstice, a shameless attempt to rip off the Dr. Suess classic. Goode is forced to halt publication of the book in response to both copyright infringement suits from Suess’s family and legal action various state consumer protection agencies.
December 18, 1918—Attempting to emulate the Wright brothers, Schlemiel Berkowitz invents his own flying machines. Berkowitz’s biplane works, but due to the presence of a full moon that night, its pilot transforms mid-flight. The confused beast jumps from the aircraft and runs amok downtown.
December 19, 1828—John C. Calhoun sparks the nullification crisis by publishing the South Carolina Exposition and Protest. This provides a rare moment of unity in Pandemonium, as the Witches, increasingly dependent on foreign trade, and the sea faring Strangers join forces to reject the Tariff of Abominations. At its zenith, newly appointed Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis curses Andrew Jackson in the public square, invoking Satan to strike down Old Hickory. Pastor Germain Huggins of the Stranger Church, rather than condemning the act, prays separately for God to do the same.
December 20, 1860—South Carolina secedes from the Union in response to the election of Abraham Lincoln. The Witch side of Pandemonium attempts to beat the state legislature, voting to leave the Union the day beforehand, but being vetoed by the Strangers. The vote ends with councilmembers challenging each other to duels, leading to the death of three.
December 21, 1906—Cramner University’s newly formed basketball team plays Kansas, whose head coach is the inventor of the sport, Dr. James Naismith. The Red Devils lose 89-2, and Elphebas Ravenwood is named the team MVP for scoring their one basket and being able to stand while dribbling the ball.
December 22, 2004—Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood publishes his local history of Pandemonium town. He is criticized for cutting out any mention of human sacrifice, slavery, segregation, anti-immigrant animus, and witchcraft, instead focusing on the positives such as the dedication of the Second Satanic Temple as a historic national landmark and Ravenwood’s mother winning the 1960 quilting bee.
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Now on Tall Tale TV: Extra Ordinary
I’m taking a break from This Week in Pandemonium as I have gotten another short story published in Tall Tale TV: Extra Ordinary. Here’s the link: https://talltaletv.com/extra-ordinary/
I hope you enjoy, and keep an eye out for Christmas in Pandemonium.
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Christmas Release Date!
I just received word from my publisher, I Ain’t Your Marionette Press, that we are aiming for a release on Christmas Day. Sounds like an excellent late Christmas present. Here’s this week in Pandemonium.
December 2, 1957—A group of Fieldhands led by Walter Washington attempt to integrate bus services in Pandemonium, hoping to imitate Rosa Parks. However, when Washington sits in the Whites only section of the bus, the White riders respond by fleeing the bus in mass. Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson later performs a curse on the bus company, which actually supported the protest.
December 3, 1917—Stranger businessman Franklin Maplethorpe starts his own automobile company and begins an assembly line in Pandemonium. Maplethorpe attempts to turn the North side of the Line into a company town, with company stores selling bones, salt and rum in exchange for company issued currency. This experiment ends when the workers unionize, leading to the end of the company and Maplethorpe’s humiliating bankruptcy.
December 4, 1634—A group of thirteen Strangers attempt to start a second colony on the South Carolina mainland called Miller’s landing. The settlement lasts for four months and is then mysteriously abandoned, with only the word “False Shepherd” written on a trees as the only clue as to why.
December 5, 1933-Prohibition ends. The bootlegging Witches celebrate by bringing boxes of mason jars full of moonshine to the North side of the Line and getting intoxicated in front of the teetotaler Strangers, as well as local law enforcement. This doesn’t end well, however, as alcohol remained illegal in South Carolina until 1935. Approximately one-third of the Witch community wakes up the next day in the drunk tank.
December 6, 1865—The Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is officially ratified, abolishing slavery within the United States. The Fieldhand community rejoices, with several freedmen choosing to move North. The Witch community mourns, as plantation owners wake up to find their house servants have abandoned them. Unable to care for themselves, no fewer than seven former slave owners in Pandemonium commit suicide.
December 7, 1941—A day that lives in infamy. With the attack on Pearl Harbor, the United States enters World War II. Several Pandemonian citizens serve in the war, first and foremost being Medal of Honor Recipient Bunim Greenblatt, who takes out an entire German division one night during a particularly clear full moon.
December 8, 1992—Damien Brody opens fire in The Athena Oratorium, Pandemonium’s famous jazz club, killing four people including a promising saxophone player named Mable Jefferson. When asked why, Brody answers “they won’t go away.”
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This Week in Pandemonium: Nov. 25-Dec. 1
Happy Thanksgiving! Spend some time with your family this week and enjoy some turkey. Here’s this week in Pandemonium Nov. 25-Dec. 1
November 25, 1783—Evacuation Day in New York City marks the end of the revolutionary war. In Pandemonium, no fewer than thirteen Stranger families with loyalist sympathies pack up and leave, most of whom immigrate to Canada. The Witch mayor, Elphebas Ravenwood, stands at the bridge leading to the mainland and waves them out.
November 26, 1941—President Roosevelt signs a bill that formalizes Thanksgiving as the fourth Thursday in November, leading to the first Thanksgiving the Strangers and Witches actually agree on. The Witches has previously celebrated “Resentmas” after President Lincoln’s Thanksgiving proclamation, and the Strangers refused to acknowledge President Washington’s 1789 proclamation. The two sides bury the hatchet with a common meal in the town square, which quickly devolves into a fist fight.
November 27, 2004—Harvey Flom, Pandemonium’s first gay councilmember, is shot dead outside his home. The assassin, a Witch named Harry Blackroot, claimed to not know Flom was gay, but shot him over a three-cent sales tax increase.
November 28, 1896—In an attempt to drum up sales for motor cars, famed inventor Frank Duryea holds a motorcar race on Pandemonium’s city streets. Despite the lack of other cars, Duryea runs off the road and falls into the sea. While Duryea survives the ordeal, he understandably fails to sell a single car.
November 29, 1864—Members of the pro-Union Stranger militia attempt to sabotage the Confederate city government using nitroglycerin to blow up the historic town meeting hall. Nitroglycerin is very unstable, which the Stranger militiamen soon discover upon handling it, blowing themselves up before reaching the meeting hall.
November 30, 1953—The first modern example of a meteorite striking a human being occurs in Pandemonium when such a space rock crashes through a Fieldhand woman’s roof and strikes her in the hip. The woman, Gladys Jackson, suffers a nasty bruise but no other injuries. Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson preemptively states the Witch community had nothing to do with this.
December 1, 1874—In the midst of reconstruction, Field Servant Marcus Johnson founds Jameson University for freed slaves. However, Jameson University sadly closes nine years later due to lack of financial support and harassment by local authorities. Fieldhands pursuing higher education would attend other historically black universities in South Carolina such as Allen and Benedict.
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