Jax Book Nook

Hello, everyone. I thought we would get back to a Week in Pandemonium after the election. Now, I have waded into politics on this blog before, and it went disastrously. Still, I’m inclined to weigh in again as I am a recovering political junkie. In the interest of avoiding a Twitter war, I will avoid saying much about the current election other than that I voted for Harris for President and for Republicans down ballot. Instead, I’ve decided to lay out an idea that I’ve been munching on for a while. Hear me out: we need a real government and a fake government.

We currently live under a system called liberal democratic capitalism which is characterized by two phenomena: 1. It has minimized the amount of violence, disease and starvation humans beings deal with on a daily basis while maximizing freedom, wealth and our lifespans. 2. It makes us feel like shit. This second point exists in tension with the first point.

Consider: right now, in America, we have an awesome economy despite having a worldwide epidemic just four years ago. Unemployment is four percent. Inflation was a problem for a while, but has recently come down to normal levels. Wage growth is strong, amazing devices are being created every day to improve our lives, and while there’s more war than there was say, ten years ago, historically, the amount of state-on-state conflict and the deaths caused thereby are at all time lows.

Yet, if you look around, everybody is miserable. Why? The way we got here is stunningly unnatural and counterintuitive. Human beings expect society to get better when we put aside our differences, rally around a competent and moral leader, and make common sacrifices for the common good. That’s not how our system works. Our system works by assuming human beings are selfish, because they are. Rather than asking people to come together, capitalism encourages people to compete against each other for the base motivation of money. Our government is run by clowns, and our system of government works by dividing power and pitting the clowns against each other in order to minimize the damage they can do. In a liberal society, there’s a great deal of skepticism that we could ever agree on what the “common good” is, much less agree to make personal sacrifices for it.

The end result, as I see it, is that We the People are constantly endangering the Golden Goose because we vote based on our erroneous guts rather than the available evidence. How do we fix this problem? We need two governments. The first government could be the government we have now, exercising roughly the same powers. It would have checks and balances, a division of power, and a Bill of Rights. The only difference is that to vote for these people, every person would have to pass the same citizenship test that immigrants must pass to become U.S. citizens. Most people would fail.

For those people who can’t pass the test, or who don’t bother, there will be a second government which is basically an elected monarchy with no power. Yes, 90% of the public wouldn’t vote for the President but for a King or Queen whose job it is to say and do things that make the public feel good. When a recession happens, the real government can take measures to solve the problem while the Monarch can pass out food to poor people for the cameras. During war, the Monarch can serve in the military and sell war bonds in commercials while the real government, made up of uncharismatic technocrats who don’t know which end of the gun to hold, allocates the necessary money to achieve the war’s objectives and appoints generals who conduct the war per their expertise. On social issues, the Monarch would either rail against Christian Nationalists or Transgenderism depending on which party won the last fake election. I assume one party would run someone like Tucker Carlson and the other party would run someone like Marianne Williamson.

The purpose is to have one government do the things necessary for a stable, prosperous society and to have another government that makes people feel good. You could even bribe people to vote for the fake government with paraphernalia or beer. Respectable news organizations could continue covering the real government, while an alternative ecosystem would cover the fake government like how ESPN covers sports and wrestling. The way I see it, if the public is going to treat elections as a form of entertainment, let’s stop fighting it and build a system that incorporates that tendency. If you don’t know which branch of government passes laws or you think the unemployment rate is currently 50% or you believe we need to withdraw all of our troops from Agrabah then please vote for a powerless king, not a public servant.

Thanks to everyone who came to meet me and buy books at the West Virginia Book Festival last Saturday. I had a blast and I hope you all did as well. Here’s this next week in Pandemonium:

Oct. 21, 1949—Fieldhand Solomon Jones and Stranger Julian Maplethorpe appear before the House of Unamerican Activities Committee, the only two Pandemonians to answer for possible communist ties before the infamous committee. Jones is convicted, while Maplethorpe is acquitted, a result largely attributed to his family connections.

Oct. 22, 1844—After the Great Disappointment, Stranger Pastor Harvey Longfellow publicly comments that the Millerites were welcome at his church, causing the Witch population to fear the Strangers will outnumber them. Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis responds to this panic by assuring his flock that any Millerites who come to one of Longfellow’s services will “merely be setting themselves up for another disappointment.”

Oct. 23, 4003 B.C.—The date for the creation of the universe based on Stranger Pastor Robert Winthrop’s reckoning in the 17^th Century. Winthrop came to this number by taking the calculations of James Usher and simply subtracting a year, just to make a point.

Oct. 24, 1910—Dravidius Ravenwood, a Pandemonian Witch, successfully goes over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Many consider this attempt a failure, however, as though Ravenwood did go over the falls in a barrel, he did not survive the attempt.

Oct. 25, 1964—A charter plane en route to Pandemonium Airport, which is a few runways on the coast, crashes and skids into the Atlantic Ocean, killing the pilot and two passengers. Evangelical Christians blame the presence of the Witches until a subsequent autopsy determines the pilot was drunk.

Oct. 26, 1890—In preparation of writing her investigative report Southern Horrors: Lynch Law in All its Phases, Ida B. Wells visits Pandemonium, the site of multiple lynchings during the Jim Crow era. Far from hiding this grim part of local history, several Witches actually approach Wells and brag about their participation in many such lynchings.

Oct. 27, 1840—The Witch and Stranger mayors of Pandemonium unite in an order expelling all Mormons from the city of Pandemonium. At the time there were no Mormons in Pandemonium, nor are there any there today really, but the mayors and city council wanted to be sure. The expulsion order remains on the books today, though no one has attempted to enforce it.

Here we are! This Saturday, Oct. 19, I will be at Booth 502 at the West Virginia Book Festival at Charleston Coliseum and Convention Center all day with physical copies of Beer Run and Beer Run II on sale for $15. I’d love to meet anyone who is able to come out. Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

October 14, 1972—Pandemonium holds its first Columbus Day parade. Stranger pastor Todd Whitfield makes a speech in the town square noting that Christopher Columbus has a mixed record in the treatment of Native Americans. Despite Pandemonium having virtually no Italian population, a host of angry Italian-Americans descend upon Whitfield, seemingly out of nowhere, and berate him with a chorus of “Whatsamattawityou?”

October 15, 1965—Hanlon Davis, born a Witch, participates in an anti-Vietnam war rally and becomes the first person in American history to be arrested for burning a draft card. The judge gives Davis the choice between going to Vietnam or jail, and Davis oddly chooses service. He dies three weeks into his tour on a patrol near Da Nang.

October 16, 1638—Cramner University, home of the Red Devils, is founded by the Pandemonium Witch Community. Cramner, one of the oldest, educational institutions in American history, goes on to become a major research university and a site of historical relevance. They also have one hell of a football team.

October 17, 1983—Little Dorothy Franklin, a two-year-old Stranger, falls down a well, leading to nationwide news coverage and a statewide rescue effort. Dorthy is rescued after 48-hours, bringing an end to a horrid ordeal that left many people across the country wondering: “Who the Hell owns a well these days?”

October 18, 1775—Fieldhand poet David Jordan is freed from slavery. Wheatley wrote a book of poetry, published anonymously in London, which would be praised by figures such as Benjamin Rush and Alexander Hamilton. The proceeds of Jordan’s work were collected by his master, who compensated Jordan with his freedom. Jordan would leave South Carolina, move to New York, and work as a carpenter as his later poems never sold.

October 19, 1781—The British surrender at Yorktown, paving the way for the Treaty of Paris recognizing America as a sovereign nation. The Witches of Pandemonium celebrate with a victory orgy, right in front of the town meeting hall.

October 20, 2004—Scandal strikes Pandemonium as it is discovered that Benjamin Abelman, a Ze’ev ice cream shop owner, is found to be at the center of a drug ring spanning the eastern seaboard. He is later acquitted upon a finding of entrapment, though many ask how he could be entrapped into being a drug kingpin. Abelman would respond “When I do a job, I do it well.”

Once again, I’d like to remind my readers that I will be at the West Virginia Book Festival on October 19. I would love it if anyone showed up.

Oct. 7, 1854—Poet Julian Maplethorpe is found confused and weakened, sitting on a bench in Pandemonium town square that morning, dying that night seemingly without cause. Maplethorpe, a Stranger, lived in Pandemonium his whole life and was often notable in the state of South Carolina as being one of the few abolitionists in the state. Maplethorpe’s last words were “the green flame” which he repeated over and over after being found until his death.

Oct. 8, 1961—Following a speech by President Kennedy, Todd Whitfield, Pastor of the Stranger church, encourages his congregation to build bunkers in the event of nuclear war. Whitfield sets a good example, building one such bunker under the rectory.

Oct. 9, 1651—Phineas Sineater succeeds Thomas Cramner as Satanic High Priest of the Pandemonium coven. As Cramner’s first successor, Sineater is sacked and run out of town after proposing to the Strangers that the Witches be allowed to use their slaves for human sacrifice.

Oct. 10, 1902—The Pandemonium Suffragette Society is founded for the purpose of supporting votes for women. The first meeting turns fractious, however, as the Fieldhands send a delegation, leading the Witches to walk out.

Oct. 11, 1822—A steam powered ferry begins running between Pandemonium and the mainland, making travel and commerce easier. The ferry is stopped late that week by a group of Strangers, demanding to see how the boat runs without wind and making crazed accusations of witchcraft.

Oct. 12, 1692—The Salem Witch trials end. Witches in Pandemonium celebrate, with Satanic High Priest James Flamel famously stating, “Thank Satan below that none of his true servants died, only innocents.”

Oct. 13, 1924—The Ze’ev establish a local chapter of the B’Nai B’rith, engaging in Philanthropy and fighting anti-semitism. Several anti-semites from the Stranger side of the tracks attempt to break up the meeting, only to arrive a few minutes after the Ze’ev’s transformation and being torn to shreds.