Jax Book Nook

Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

August 5, 1740—Augustus Blackthorne, inspired by the Zenger decision, challenges a libel charge against him by asserting truth as a defense. Unfortunately for Blackthorne, he was being charged for claiming that King George II was a hermaphrodite. Blackthorne’s defense fails.

August 6, 1936—Famous pop artist Liev Shapiro is born to a Ze’ev family on the Northeast side of Pandemonium. His most famous work, a series of distorted and discolored portraits of large, hairy beasts wearing human clothing, are eventually inducted into the Library of Congress.

August 7, 1899—The only confirmed lynching in Pandemonium history occurs when a mob of Witches hunt down Jeremiah Milton after he is caught kissing a white woman behind a barbershop. Milton’s genitals, tongue, lips, and fingers are cut off, and his body is set on fire. When the Strangers complaint that this violates the Witches’ promise not to engage in human sacrifice, Satanic High Priest Thomas Deadwood clarifies that “this is a lynching, not a sacrifice. We aren’t savages.”

August 8, 1904—The original Miller Memorial stadium collapses during an intramural football game, leading to the deaths of 12 people. Buccaneer Head Coach Franklin Whitley suggests foul play from Cramner students might be a fault, citing the presence of a pentagram and black candles under one of the bleachers.

August 9, 1997—After a life of hard living and international acclaim, local blues legend James Freeman dies in a diabetic coma. Freeman learned the blues at the Athena Oratorium in the 1940s and toured America for nearly 50 years. Rumors that he sold his soul to the devil to learn to play the guitar are shot down by Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson in the 1960s, who insists that Satan would not stoop to deal with a black man.

August 10, 1850—Inspired by P.T. Barnum, Stranger-born George Davidson puts on his own “Greatest Show on Earth.” His first act is a very old Fieldhand woman he claims was Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis’s nursemaid. The High Priest calls this a “tall tale” but says he wishes Davison the best. Oddly, immediately after his first show, Davison must quit, as he suddenly develops leprosy.

August 11, 1992—The Second Satanic Temple opens its gift shop, offering tourists the opportunity to purchase replica sacrificial knives and copies of the Bargain for the first time. Christian pastors across America claim this trivializes the fact of Satanic worship in Pandemonium. Stranger Pastor Atticus MacDonald, however, tells his colleagues that “it is impossible to further trivialize that which is already trivial.”

Here’s this week in Pandemonium: July 29-August 4

July 29, 1868—Word is received of the ratification of the fourteenth amendment, guaranteeing basic constitutional rights and equal protection to newly freed slaves and to all Americans. In Pandemonium, Fieldhands rejoice. Witches riot, leading to the deaths of 13 Fieldhands.

July 30, 1984–Daniel Abramovich, the Left-Hand killer, is arrested and charged with the first degree murder of 12 Ze’ev women. Abramovich and his associate, Harry Gravora, are the most notable serial killers in Pandemonium history. Abramovich is declared insane and confined to a local mental institution which has a secure courtyard Abramovich can spend full moons in.

July 31, 1975—After dumping an oddly shaped package off the eastern coast of the island, members of the Genovese Crime Family tour Pandemonium island. When asked what they think of little Pandemonium town, one wise guy is quoted as saying “Spooky stuff. Maybe we should have dropped Jimmy off somewhere else.”

August 1, 1981—MTV begins broadcasting. While its initial video is “Video Kills the Radio Star,” later that day, the band “Acton and the Sisters of Sin” starring future Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood, performs a music video entitled “Black Mass at the Disco.” Alas, Ravenwood and his band were not destined for stardom, as the video is pulled after Ravenwood simulates sex with his bassist on screen.

August 2, 1937—The Marihuana Act officially makes marijuana illegal in the United States, with Pandemonium Resident, Stillwell Ravenwood, being one of the first individuals arrested for being in violation of the act. Stillwell admits to growing marijuana in his backyard, stating he needed to supplement his illegal income after the repeal of Prohibition caused the price of moonshine to fall.

August 3, 1854—Cramner University wins the first boat race against Winthrop University, beginning a classic American college sports rivalry. The Winthrop team takes the initial lead, but then tragically lose their lives when whirlpool forms in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and swallows them whole. Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis is there to curse the proceedings.

August 4, 1693—Pandemonium signs “the Great Peace” with Cherokee, promising trade relations and an end to hostilities. This Great Peace ends three days later when a group of Strangers, looking for wives, raid a Cherokee village and carry away a group of maidens.

Here’s another week in Pandemonium history.

July 22, 1591—An earlier attempt at colonization on Pandemonium Island, then called Diz, is made by a breakaway group from Satanic High Priest Cramner’s coven. They disappear within a year, leaving only one survivor who returns to Europe via a Spanish trading ship, going both deaf and mute.

July 23, 1935—During the height of the Dust Bowl, temperatures in Pandemonium reach 107 degrees on a full moon. Transformed Ze’ev jump fences and cross roadways to dive into the Atlantic Ocean, hoping to get cool.

July 24, 1970—Walter Washington ascends to the position of Field Servant, head pastor of the Church of the Tobacco Fields. Washington’s controversial term as pastor sees him making contacts with groups such as the Black Panthers and the Weather Underground and ends with Washington starting his own church and ideal community. Freetown, meant to be a utopia, tragically ends in suicide of hundreds of people.

July 25, 1861—In response to the First Battle of Bull Run, the U.S. Congress passes a declaration stating that the Union was fighting the Civil War to preserve the Union, not abolish slavery. In Pandemonium, the Town Council, dominated by Witches, passes a resolution stating they were fighting for slavery, regardless of what those abolitionist Yankees were lying about this week.

July 26, 1953—South Carolina State Highway Patrolmen pull over a car suspected of carrying moonshine whiskey, only to find the trunk holds nothing but a handful of rabbits in cages. The driver is none other than Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson, transporting sacrificial victims for the weekly rituals back to Pandemonium from his hunting lodge in the hills.

July 27, 1658—Pastor of the Stranger Church, John Winthrop, visits the Iroquois while returning to Pandemonium from his theological tour of the American colonies. There he takes notes on their worship of the Great Spirit and the Good Spirit. When asked to describe his village, Winthrop explains that where he lives, half of the people worship the Good Spirit and half of the people worship the Evil Spirit. The Iroquois are skeptical anyone would worship the Evil Spirit, for fear of attracting the Flying Head.

July 28, 1784—Upon America’s victory over Britain, Pandemonium amends the Bargain to formally allow Strangers and Witches to cross the Line without fear of punishment. Previously, it had been a capital offense to be on the wrong side of the Line, though that rule had been regularly ignored, with housewives often crossing the line to borrow a cup of flour.

Here’s this Week in Pandemonium for July 15 to 21.

July 15, 1806-The Pike Expedition begins from Fort Bellafontaine. Traveling with Zebulon Pike is James Winthrop, Stranger and Pandemonium native. Alas, he dies three days later, bitten by rattlesnakes in a ravine he fell into after being chased by a pack of wolves. Satanic High Priest Augustus Sumerstone brings the Satanic Temple’s spell book to a town meeting to prove the Witch community has no curse that could do such a thing.

July 16, 1780—Stranger Loyalist militiamen are ambushed during the Revolutionary War by Witch Patriot militiamen. The Witches find the Loyalist militia has black members, and upon orders of Governor John Rutledge, proceeds to execute them, earning praise from Francis Marion and condemnation from historians forever after.

July 17, 1960—After the Witches reveal themselves to the nation, Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson attempts to use their newfound notoriety to attract tourism, opening PandemoniumLand, a family themed amusement park, modeled on Walt Disney’s California creation. It is burned down on opening day by an angry mob.

July 18, 1986—Future Hollywood Starlet Haley Fairwell is born on the North side of the Line to a Stranger family. A staple in romantic comedies like The Horrible Truth and Whatever it Takes, Fairwell is known equally well for her high-profile divorce from Timothy Stark. Released transcripts from the trial include testimony that Fairwell cooked Stark’s dog alive after discovering an affair.

July 19, 1848—Witch and Pandemonium resident Hecate Blackwood attends the Seneca Falls Convention for women’s suffrage. Upon hearing the idea of Women’s Suffrage, Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis curses Blackwood in the square. Several states away in upstate New York, Hecate suffers from sudden aphasia during a scheduled speech.

July 20, 1970—James Langford, a Fieldhand from the Southwest side of town, releases his only hit single through Motown Records: a cover of “That Old Black Magic.” While Langford never achieves lasting fame in the music industry, he remains a valued member of the community until his death in 2014.

July 21, 1929—Unionized millworkers are attacked by police on the Northeastern sector. This turns disastrous as the sunsets, and a full moon turns the striking workers into very aggrieved beasts with a taste for management flesh.

After my interview with Lester Yazstrimski, I am now back to our ongoing series to promote my new novel coming out: Christmas in Pandemonium.

July 8, 1950–The landing at Inchon, South Korea, begins America’s involvement in the Korean War. Present is Michael Greenblatt, brother of World War II veteran and Medal of Honor Recipient Bunim Greenblatt. Michael finds his glory not in the battlefield but in the mess hall as he arrives as an army cook. Well-liked by the troops, Michael is known to find odd bits of wild game to the put in the stew.

July 9, 1757–Jonathon Edwards visits the Stranger Church and recites his great sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” during the First Great Awakening. As he leaves town, Edwards is met by a man who offers him an apple, which he takes. Within a year, Edwards dies after attempting to inoculate himself from smallpox.

July 10, 1776–The Declaration of Independence is read in Pandemonium City Hall, accompanied by cheering on the part of the Witch delegation and boos from the Stranger side. Strangers would be active in loyalist militias throughout the war.

July 11, 1807–To settle a dispute between them, the Stranger mayor of Pandemonium, David Parker, and his Witch counterpart, Groton Harris, engage in a duel outside of town. Both men initially intend to merely shoot into the air, but things turn south when Parker sees Harris bring his younger brother, Mordred, along as a second and shoots the lesser Harris directly in the chest. Apparently, Mordred had slept with Parker’s sister a month before.

July 12, 1976–Riots break out in the southwest sector of town after a white police officer shoots a 15-year-old Fieldhand boy, mistakenly thinking he was holding a knife that turns out to be a pencil. An investigation of the crime scene discovers a strange note purportedly signed by Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis, known to be deceased for 119 years.

July 13, 1864–Another set of riots, this time by Strangers in response to a proposed draft by the Confederate Army as the Civil War grows desperate. This uprising is put down by Pandemonium’s own Col. Robert Davis, in what is afterwards called a massacre by Strangers.

July 14, 1907–The Great Fire of Pandemonium occurs when a factory on the southwestern side of the island explodes due to overheated machinery. Still, when facing the possibility of passing rules and regulations to prevent future incidents, Pandemonium residents prefer to blame, Dobah Meir, a Ze’ev woman on the other side of town, for accidentally kicking lamp.

Happy 4th of July everyone! We’re taking a break from “A Week in Pandemonium” in order to speak with a presidential candidate who’s getting a lot of attention after last week’s debate. I’m here with Lester Yazstrimski who has thrown his hat into the ring. Introduce yourself, Mr. Yazstrimski!

Lester: Please call me Lester. Everyone does. Mr. Yazstrimski is my father.

Me: Ah! It’s just that you appear to be in your mid-40s, so I didn’t think you would mind. You also decided to come to this interview wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater t-shirt.

Lester: Yeah, it’s kind of my schtick. Like, I’m a regular guy.

Me: Huh. Well, tell me about yourself, Lester.

Lester: I am 43 years old. I live in Little Rock, Arkansas. I’ve never been convicted of a felony, and I’m mentally competent. I’m willing to take any cognitive test you feel is necessary to prove that last part. I’ve never had a part of my brain eaten by a parasite or tried to overthrow the government by force. I’ve never said anything nice about any third world dictator, or asked them to release dirt on my opponents. I would like to be President.

Me: What do you currently do for a living?

Lester: I’m in between opportunities. Hopefully, this time next year I’ll be President and they get paid like $400k. That and you get a free house to live in so I can move out of my mother’s basement.

Me: You’re unemployed and living with your parents at the age of 43?

Lester: Yeah, I’ve had a slow start in life, but the advantage of that is that you don’t have to worry about the president having any kids who are public embarrassments if the President is a 300-pound, unemployed incel. My kid can’t be addicted to crack or meeting with Russian spies if I’ve never had sex, right?

Me: Supposedly if you got elected President you could get a date.

Lester: That’s what I’m hoping. Fingers crossed.

Me: Look, I find it strange that the most you can say for yourself is that you have never been convicted of a crime.

Lester: A felony. Never been convicted of a felony. Like, if you check my record, you’ll see that one time I punched a cop, but we pled it down to a misdemeanor cause it was my first offense and I was having a panic attack.

Me: Let’s move onto the issues. First, the economy. What’s your plan?

Lester: First, I’m going to get a job, hopefully as President, though a spot just opened up at Pizza Hut for a delivery driver. Mostly, I was thinking steady as she goes.

Me: You mean you don’t plan to change anything?

Lester: No, unemployment’s low and inflation’s getting better. Probably better to kick back and just collect the check.

Me: What about foreign policy? What about Ukraine? Or Gaza?

Lester: You just used a few words I didn’t recognize. Those are probably weird places on a map that I don’t know anything about, so I would probably just have the military tell me whether to send money or bombs to wherever it is you were talking about.

Me: What about social issues?

Lester: Oh, I love the blacks and the gays, as long as they don’t do it in the park. I mean the border is like, screwed up though.

Me: What would you do about it?

Lester: Nuke it.

Me: Nuke our own border.

Lester: Gotta nuke something.

Me: Lester, I’m beginning to think you aren’t really qualified to be president and you don’t know anything about the relevant issues. You seem to just want to be president because you can’t find any other work. This is the most important job in the world with the most power and responsibility any human being has ever had. Why would anyone vote for you?

Lester: I promise that most days you won’t have to think of me. Things will be so boring, you won’t even remember you have a president, or a government for that matter. I just need a place to crash and a steady paycheck.

Me: I can’t believe this. I was told that your campaign was picking up momentum across America.

Lester: It is. We raised $2,000,000 in donations since the last debate. The last Ipsos poll has me at 20%. Take a look.

(Lester hands me a printout of a poll, which confirms what he just said.)

Me: I am sad now.

Lester: I can cheer you up. Let me introduce you to my VP pick.

(Lester leaves the room and brings back a chimpanzee dressed in a miniature suit)

Lester: Meet Mr. Nanners. Yeah, he’s an ape, but people tell me it doesn’t really matter who the vice-president unless you die. My doctor tells me that I should at least live to be 60.

Me: Well, that’s reassuring. Any parting words?

Lester: Yeah, could you tell your readers to send any donations directly to my student loan broker. I’ve nearly got it paid off. Just one more debate like that, and I’m made.

Me: I guess Biden succeeded at paying off somebody’s student loans.

Another Week in Pandemonium coming your way: June 24-30

June 24, 1947-Local resident Schlumiel Berkowitz spots a UFO just off the eastern coast of Pandemonium Island. His claims are quickly rebutted with the common phrase “There goes Schlumiel again.”

June 25, 1913—Both Stranger and Witch veterans of the Civil War attend the Great Reunion of 1913. Their visit is cut short, as Pandemonium’s delegation devolves into a fist fight that has to be broken up by local authorities.

June 26, 2001—Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood attempts to sue J. K. Rowling for plagiarism, claiming the magic in her books is based directly on the rites of the Satanic Temple. Ravenwood is laughed out of court when he cites The Onion as a source.

June 27, 1760—During the French and Indian War, a joint party of Strangers and Witches patrol Cherokee territory as part of the local militia. They are subsequently discovered, ambushed and massacred when two members of the patrol loudly argue over a flask of gin and a piece of salted pork.

June 28, 1870—The U.S. Congress establishes the first four federal holidays: New Years Day, July 4^th, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Pandemonium residents start a letter writing campaign to request a special act of Congress to close the local post office on the Winter Solstice as well.

June 29, 1797—Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis is born, coinciding with a solar eclipse.

June 30, 1688—James II sends a military commander, Jonathon Standish, to Pandemonium in order to bring order to the wayward colony. Alas, the king is overthrown soon thereafter, leading to Standish being boiled alive in town square.

Hello everyone! I am proud to announce that my literary agent now predicts we will publish “Christmas in Pandemonium” by the end of 2024, with an anticipated release date some time before Christmas. With that in mind, let me begin promoting in Earnest with another segment of “This Week in Pandemonium: June 17-23.”

June 17, 2004–The first Pandemonium reaches space as Ze’ev resident Michael Greenblatt is set in orbit by NASA to see whether he transforms during full moon in zero gravity. Results are mixed as the moon is only partially visible from the shuttle, leaving Mr. Greenblatt very hairy and with long teeth, but still standing upright.

June 18, 1974–Pandemonium Mayor Lucien Stormwater resigns in shame after admitting to having mishandled $21.45 in petty change from the city’s treasury. Wow, what used to be considered corruption.

June 19, 1865–Fieldhands celebrate their new freedom on Juneteenth…which they had received earlier that year as Pandemonium was liberated by Sherman’s army February. Most Fieldhands take advantage of the confusion by trying to get out of town.

June 20, 1621–Captain John Miller and Satanic High Priest Thomas Cramner meet for the first formal signing of the Bargain, Pandemonium’s governing document. Cramner insists on signing the Bargain in blood, and Miller obliges him, calling upon his first officer to cut his arm. The cut is infected and turns gangrene, leading to the amputation of the arm using primitive 17th century medicine.

June 21, 1919–Striking workers clash with police in Pandemonium’s industrial southwest industrial district, leaving three workers and one office dead. Field Servant Marcus Johnson blesses the bodies and finds a strange note in the policeman’s pocket.

June 22, 1774–In response to the Quebec Act, Satanic High Priest Calvin Brontious drafts a similar request for religious liberty, which he is then dissuaded from sending by his overly cautious congregation. Brontious later stated that he couldn’t imagine the English hating Satanists more than they hated Catholics.

June 23, 1917–The first Pandemonian to play in the Major Leagues, Stuart Bailey, takes the mound for the Red Sox in a game against the New York Giants. Bailey finishes a victory for the Sox after Babe Ruth is ejected for punching an umpire in the face.

Haven’t gotten a publication date for Christmas in Pandemonium yet, but I’ve decided to start promoting the book with a new feature: “This Week in Pandemonium.” As an explainer for those reading about Pandemonium for the first time, Pandemonium is the town my book is based in that was founded in South Carolina by Satanists in the year 1620. Four groups of people live there: the Witches (descended from the aforementioned Satanists), the Strangers (disreputable pirates turned Christian religious fanatics), the Fieldhands (Pandemonium’s African-American community), and the Ze’ev (Jewish werewolves who immigrated to Pandemonium in the 1890s). For this week: June 9-16.

June 9, 1912–The famous Athena Oratorium opens in Pandemonium. The Athena will become one of the premiere venues for jazz, ragtime, and the blues in the U.S. The building was donated by Grand Dame Elizabeth Davis who claimed the building was once a ballroom where her father, Col. Robert Davis, met her mother, though historians believe it may have served as the burlesque house in the antebellum south.

June 10, 1672–Stranger smugglers are caught trading directly with Spanish ships in defiance of English colonial law. Their confiscated cargo includes lumber, tobacco, and some very odd statues bearing strange ruins.

June 11, 1929–Alan Grayson, famous head coach of the Cramner Red Devils, is born. Grayson, who would go on to lead the Red Devils to an NCAA Football Championship in 1984, would be consecrated to Satan, per family tradition, three days after his birth.

June 12, 1945–Pandemonium resident Bunim Greenblatt is awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for taking out an entire German division on the night of February 9 in the same year.

June 13, 1960–Federal District Court Judge and Stranger-Born Brian Applewaith strikes down state and local laws requiring the segregation of public schools and crafts an integration order, mandating that Pandemonium High School admit seven Fieldhand students when school starts in August. Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson responds by placing a curse on Judge Applewaith.

June 14, 1897–The day before a full moon, the newly arrived Ze’ev lay the cornerstone of Temple Ze’ev, now on the National Register of Historic Landmarks. An antisemitic mob of Strangers gather to burn the building down. Of the 25 men who assemble to take part in the mayhem, six return.

June 15, 1776– Pandemonium votes to declare independence from Great Britain nearly a month before Jefferson’s famous declaration. A committee of Witches drafts a declaration and passes it inside the town meeting hall at 3 am with the doors locked to avoid interference from Loyalist Strangers.

June 16, 1822–During the height of the Era of Good Feelings, the Stranger Mayor and Witch Mayor of the town meet at a gazebo for lunch, and after sharing a meal of succotash and fried chicken, shake hands and tip their hats to each other. This is followed by a riot and an election where both men are voted out and then tarred and feathered.

If you’ve ever tried to promote a book, chances are, you’ve had to do some mandatory five-star reviews. For all of those who have stretched the truth once or twice when trading reviews, this post is for you.

***

All right, I’m giving this book a five-star review, for two reasons. 1. My wife made me read it. 2. She says I have to like it too. Lords and Ladies is probably the 25th most popular romance series set in the Victorian age on the market today. It’s no wonder given just how many sex scenes there are. Now, the author says in a foreword that he wanted the book to be historically accurate, and that’s why half of the scenes involve sex with prostitutes. My wife made me skip over those.

No, she’s really into the parts where the lady and the lord play croquet in the backyard and then end up having sex in a shed. Yes, that part was okay. She tells me that it’s to give me ideas. I don’t know how it could do that. We don’t even have a shed. Our home is on a hill. She doesn’t know how to play croquet.

More interesting is the plot. You see, the male protagonist, Count Bufort, doesn’t want to give his heart to anyone because his father died after getting a blister from playing tennis on his foot, and dies from the infection. The Count doesn’t want to lose someone again, so he avoids connections like falling in love. The climax of the book occurs when the female protagonist gets a blister in the same place on her foot and nearly dies. It’s truly a testament to how primitive medical care and hygiene was in the 19th Century. The doctor even uses leeches.

True love prevails in the end, however. Lady Lisandra survives the infection, in spite of her doctors, and she marries Count Bufort, followed by forty pages of graphic descriptions of carnal lust. These were the sex scenes I was allowed to read, and yes, they have sex everywhere. The beach, at church, in the middle of Hyde Park in London. I would have thought that Victorian sexual mores would prohibit this, or at least cause the lady to protest, but the author keeps repeating how they are married now, and supposedly that makes all of this fine in the eyes of God and man. I do wonder how historically accurate it was for Lady Lisandra to ask the Count where babies come from.

Th story ends with the Count and his wife have nine children, the Count becoming the richest man in London, and Lady Lisandra being raised up on a pedestal in front of the rest of high society and showered in roses. A little on the nose for my taste, but why not? This book is a female fantasy, and my wife seems to like it. It succeeds on that level. Five stars.