Jax Book Nook

Thanks for listening to my Halloween rant. Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

September 23, 1959—Pandemonium is connected to the Interstate System for the first time. Pandemonians celebrate by getting on the road, unfortunately leading to three car accidents in one day.

September 24, 1920—Pandemonium residents bury a time capsule under Cramner University campus. This time capsule is uncovered 100 years later. The capsule contained a rotary phone, a World War I infantry uniform, and a dead rabbit, the apparent victim of the pre-1963 Satanic ritual.

September 25, 1778—Leader of the Witch militia, Micah White, surrenders to British forces and is held prisoner in England. Initially set to be executed, White is set free in a prisoner exchange after his jailers are suddenly struck mute.

September 26, 2012—Actress Hayley Fairwell, Pandemonium native, is sentenced to one day in prison after slapping a police officer trying to give her a parking ticket. While the Court initially considered probation, Fairwell was eventually given a harsher sentence after she stormed out of the courtroom during closing arguments.

September 27, 1972—Pandemonium Follies airs on CBS. A show set in Pandemonium about a mixed family of Strangers and Witches, Follies was concocted by networks executives after as a decade of horror and condemnation of the Witches by Christian leaders turned into curiosity on the part of the American public. Follies goes off the air after three episodes, largely due to mediocre writing.

September 28, 1934—Inspired by other famous brigands like Machine Gun Kelly and John Dillinger, Larry Liebowitz attempts to rob the First Bank of Pandemonium this fateful night, armed with a tommy gun. Alas, Liebowitz forgets the phase of the moon and transforms during the robbery. As a wolf, Liebowitz paws the door a few times and falls asleep before being taken to the pound.

September 29, 1861—Pandemonium is momentarily captured by union troops during the Civil War before being retaken, leading several slaves to flee. Those now emancipated Fieldhands are taken to Port Royal to be part of the Port Royal experiment.

            We’re going to take a one week break from Christmas in Pandemonium. To the maybe three people who read it, my apologies, but we’ll be back next week. Instead, I’m going to use this blog to rant about something I don’t like, namely, Halloween creep.

            The loyal readers of this blog, both of you, know that I am on the record with saying that Halloween is better than Christmas. I have a lot of reasons for this, but one of those reasons is that Halloween knows what its place is and isn’t trying to butt into the cultural space of other holidays. That appears to have been changing recently, as we are now in the middle of September, and people are already talking about “preparing for Halloween.” You see it in grocery store displays. Your kids’ day care starts redecorating. Cable channels start running movie marathons. It’s September 18.

            Hey, American Capitalists, I know trying to convince people to spend their hard-earned cash can be difficult, and Halloween is a thing people recognize and generally like. I understand wanting to exploit the holiday as much as possible for moolah, but don’t you run the risk of overexposure? As I’ve argued before, one of the reasons that Christmas is overrated is that it’s gotten to dominate three months of the year and overshadows other holidays. Thanksgiving is basically just a warm-up. The way things are going, Halloween could assimilate Labor Day at any moment, and you might even see people dressed as vampires in the sweltering August sun. Eventually, people will get tired of it, making Halloween less fun for everyone, and diluting your profiteering.

            Maybe we need more good holidays, not extending the hold over the calendar major holidays already have. We don’t need Halloween season to last three months. We to populate the other months with better holidays. For instance, now that we’ve added Juneteenth and still have July 4, maybe we should add VE Day (May 8) and VJ Day (Aug. 15). That way, between VE Day and Labor Day, we could just hang up red, white, and blue banners, leave them up, and shoot fireworks off every weekend. We’ll call it the patriotic months. Imagine the little flags made in China you could sell.

Next, make Oktoberfest an official holiday, so this Halloween creep bullshit gets nipped in the bud. Hey, if Italians get Columbus Day and Irish people get St. Patrick’s Day, why don’t the Germans get something? Then, we get an excuse to celebrate Cinco De Mayo.

Finally, we need to do something about January. New Years Day is just an excuse to get drunk, and it’s both too close to Christmas and at the beginning of the month. You’ve got Martin Luther King’s Day, but it’s tough to turn a holiday about a civil rights figure into a cynical cash grab. (Or is it?) The Emancipation Proclamation was signed on January 1, but we’d want to move the holiday celebrating it to sometime in the middle of the month or even towards the end to distance it from Christmas.

Anybody else got ideas for new holidays? Tell me about them in the comments.

Here’s this week in Pandemonium history.

September 9, 1739—The Stono Rebellion erupts in South Carolina. The Strangers form a militia and volunteer their services to the state government. The Mayor of the North Side, Cotton Winthrop, would later explain that they really needed wives, and when you are in a pinch, you rely on tradition.

September 10, 1919—To celebrate America’s victory in World War I, Pandemonium hosts a parade down main street, right down the center of the Line. This predictably ends in a fight, as the Witches hate seeing Fieldhands in American uniforms, and one Stranger doughboy bumps into a Ze’ev by accident.

September 11, 2001-Like Americans everywhere, Pandemonians watch in horror as Al-Qaida terrorists fly passenger planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood breaks an oath by the Witch community never to use black magic when he conjures a curse on Osama Bin Laden’s head.

September 12, 1955—Pandemonium Native Marcus Johnson goes five rounds with Sugar Ray Robinson. Johnson, a Fieldhand, loses by knock out, though he does his hometown proud. A local restaurant later denies him service that same month due to the application of Jim Crow laws.

September 13, 1852—Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis announces that he has made important discoveries in the working of the human brain. It appears one of his house servants suffered a head injury after falling from a third-floor window. Davis, fashioning himself an antebellum brain surgeon, proceeded to operate on the servant without anesthesia.

September 14, 1957—The Witches “come out” as Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson reveals the existence of the Satanic Temple to the world, ending more than three centuries of secrecy. 1950s America reacts with fear and anger, as a large group of Christians from out of town surround the Second Satanic Temple. Jackson disperses them with a threatened curse.

September 15, 1968—Amidst the turmoil of the 1960s, David Shapiro, a man from a respectable Ze’ev family, climbs the highest tower at Cramner University with a rifle and opens fire on the student body below, killing six. After Shapiro is taken down by local police, an investigation finds he had been planning the attack for some time but cannot discern any motive. Aside from materials used to conduct and plan the shooting, authorities only find a drawing of what appears to be a golden idol of a wolf posted directly above his bed.

Good news everyone, they are now selling Beer Run and Beer Run 2 at the Inner Geek in Huntington, if anyone is interested in buying a physical copy.

September 2, 1945—Japan formally surrenders to the Allies aboard the USS Missouri. Pandemonium resident Bunim Greenblatt, along with an entire company of soldiers, is present in the bowels of the ship so an invasion of the Japanese homeland can commence in the event the Japanese have second thoughts.

September 3, 1840—Future abolitionist Clay Williamson escapes from slavery in Pandemonium at the age of six. Williamson would advocate for the abolition of slavery in Boston…unsuccessfully as he was actually a terrible public speaker.

September 4, 1960—Pandemonium Public Schools formally integrate for the first time, leading to protests from the Witch community and intervention from the federal government in the form of National Guard soldiers being placed at the doors of Pandemonium High for security. Witch families would respond by sending their children to Bothwell School, a Witch institution founded in the late 1800s.

September 5, 1902—The first labor day parade in Pandemonium history is held in the town square, organized largely by the Fieldhand and Ze’ev communities. The Witch community responds by proposing a Management Day, to be held on the first Saturday in September, whereby employees must come to work without pay.

September 6, 2017—Acton Ravenwood, Satanic High Priest, proclaims he will swim to Bermuda and back without the aid of a shark cage. Ravenwood gets 50 feet off shore and abandons the attempt after accidentally swallowing some sea water.

September 7, 1992—Jason Biggs, born in the southwest corner of Pandemonium, tops the rap charts with his single “On the Corner of Perdition and Sunset.” Alas, his career is cut short by a stray bullet fired in a drive-by a block away. The shooting is a part of a gang war between the Pandemonium Neighborhood Reapers and the Pandemonium Original Reapers, who used to be the same gang before a disagreement occurred ten years earlier over one gang leader having sex with another’s sister at a party.

September 8, 1620—The Charon finally makes its landing on Pandemonium island, beginning the settlement of Pandemonium town.

Once again, I’ll be at the West Virginia Book Festival on October 19 in Booth 502. Here’s another week in Pandemonium.

August 26, 1968—The Democratic National Convention is besieged by Vietnam War Protestors. Among their number are the Pandemonium Four, who are infamously detained by local authorities for their extreme anti-war activism and public drunkenness.  

August 27, 1922—The Pandemonium Buccaneers apply to the newly established National Football League for membership. Unfortunately, their application is rejected after League officials are denied a tour of the south side of the island.  

August 28, 1963—Martin Luther King Jr. gives his “I Have a Dream” speech to 250,000 people attending the March on Washington. None other than Pandemonium residents Minerva and Daemon Davis are in attendance, though they come wearing heavy coats and thick makeup, almost as if they don’t want to be seen.

August 29, 1831—The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad’s new steam engine locomotive races a horse drawn car in Pandemonium and nearly beats it before the engine inexplicably implodes. Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis, who had $20 beat on the horse, would remark that “science has a long way to go to be good old-fashioned horsepower.”

August 30, 1804—Calvin Eastwood, an enslaved man, plans a rebellion on the south side of the Line, but is caught and beaten to death by a mob of angry Witches.  

August 31, 1886— A 7.6 magnitude earthquake strikes the state of South Carolina, leaving 100 people dead. In Pandemonium, the instability leads to the collapse of a dilapidated building owned by the Davis family, the future site of the Athena Oratorium. No evidence exists of what the previous building on the site was used for, but Grand Dame Elizabeth Davis would later claim it was a dance hall were her father, Col. Robert Davis, met her mother.

September 1, 1774—The Royal Governor of South Carolina decides to lock up Pandemonium’s supply of powder, fearing a rebellion. Redcoats sent to the island are sent back in a wheelbarrow with their heads turn completely backwards.

By the way, I will be at the West Virginia Book Festival with physical copies of Beer Run and Beer Run II on October 19, 2024. I’d love it if anyone came to buy a book or just chat. Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

August 19, 1692—Four men and one woman are executed for Witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. As the events in Salem become common knowledge in Pandemonium, John Winthrop Jr. assures the Witch community that the Strangers have no plans to enact similar measures in their commonwealth, swearing upon the Bible. Satanic High Priest Horace FitzB’lial reciprocates, casting a spell that guarantees his life would be forfeit should any curse or hex be made against the Strangers. FitzB’lial dies three days from a broken neck. No known cause is found, but his head is found completely reversed.

August 20, 1934—Pandemonium Motor Speedway opens on the mainland, as Witch speed demons now need another excuse to put their lead feet to use after the end of prohibition. The site of many great races, the tract changes its name to Pandemonium Motor Park in 1984 when it is given the opportunity to host a NASCAR race. Dale Earnhardt refused to race in a venue with the initials PMS.

August 21, 1858—The Stephen-Douglas debates begin, which bring national attention to the Republican Party and Abraham Lincoln, who eloquently argues against the expansion of slavery into the western territories. In Pandemonium, the slave owning Witches burn Lincoln in effigy, and their slaves secretly whisper about the possibilities of freedom. The Strangers whistle nervously and pray there isn’t a war.

August 22, 1965—Opening Day begins for the new single-A minor league team, the Pandemonium Sorcerers. The game ends in a dugout clearing brawl caused by an errant pitch striking Sorcerer clean-up hitter, Brian Fields, in the head. The Sorcerer’s fall short, 14-2.

August 23, 1788—Seeing the demise of the semi-state of Franklin, the Town Council agrees to table any discussion of Pandemonium declaring independence from the State of South Carolina. Prior proposals stressed the sacrifices made by Pandemonium residents in the war and the fact that Pandemonium pre-existed the state of South Carolina.

August 24, 1996—Hurricane Andolio makes landfall in Pandemonium, a Category 5 storm. Televangelist Jerry Falwell claims it is God’s judgment on a town dedicated to the enemy. A strange judgment as Witch neighborhoods survive largely unaffected, while significant damage occurs in the Fieldhand and Stranger sectors of town.

August 25, 1835—The Pandemonium Lament opens its doors. The Lament remains one of the oldest continuing newspapers in America. Alas, it’s first edition prints the Great Moon Hoax on the front page, claiming that intelligent life had been discovered on the moon.

Just a quick update: I just signed the publication contract with I Ain’t Your Marionette Press, so we’ve finished yet another step to publication. Here’s the next Week in Pandemonium History.

August 12, 1934—Alcatraz, the infamous federal penitentiary, opens 1.5 miles off San Francisco Bay. Among the first prisoners is infamous bootlegger and Cosa Nostra Associate, Frankie “Six Toes” White, a Witch from Pandemonium’s southwest side who assisted Al Capone and the Five Families with their illegal distillery operations for years.

August 13, 1991—Assistant Satanic Priest Acton Ravenwood discovers the bones of a Pterodactyl right off the eastern Coast of Pandemonium Island. Paleontologists claim these are actually the bones of local birds which flew directly into the cliff wall of the island, but Ravenwood sells the bones in the Satanic Temple gift shop as dinosaur bones anyway, getting $50 a pop.

August 14, 1973—Local businessmen attempt to organize a youth music festival on Pandemonium Island, which falls apart when one of the organizers sees the Ze’ev transform on the full moon. Locals worry about exposure, but the witness soon attributes it to a “bad trip.”

August 15, 1804—The Witches accuse the Fieldhands of conducting an arcane ceremony to gain their freedom, in imitation of the slaves of Haiti, which later turns out to be wedding. Mass hysteria turns to relief, as the populace takes comfort that only white men worship evil forces on this particular island.

August 16, 1927—The Dole Air Race begins in Oakland, California, with an intended destination in Honolulu Hawaii. Among the nine participants is Stranger John Ferguson. He is also among the seven participants who die on the way there.

August 17, 1884—Famed architect, John Jameson Jefferson, is born on the southwestern side of Pandemonium to a Fieldhand family. Jefferson moves to Chicago to escape life in the South and starts his own firm, responsible for many architectural marvels. Unfortunately, he dies young in 1924 when a servant of his sets his home on fire while he is sleeping, killing him and seven others.

August 18, 1783—A meteor approaches Pandemonium, appearing as a huge fireball. The Strangers assume it to be a wicked act by the Witches, until the fireball lands directly in Satanic High Priest Tiberius Blackthorne’s flower garden, burning it and his guest house to ashes. The Strangers reason that if the Witches conjured that spell, then they apparently aren’t good at magic.

Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

August 5, 1740—Augustus Blackthorne, inspired by the Zenger decision, challenges a libel charge against him by asserting truth as a defense. Unfortunately for Blackthorne, he was being charged for claiming that King George II was a hermaphrodite. Blackthorne’s defense fails.

August 6, 1936—Famous pop artist Liev Shapiro is born to a Ze’ev family on the Northeast side of Pandemonium. His most famous work, a series of distorted and discolored portraits of large, hairy beasts wearing human clothing, are eventually inducted into the Library of Congress.

August 7, 1899—The only confirmed lynching in Pandemonium history occurs when a mob of Witches hunt down Jeremiah Milton after he is caught kissing a white woman behind a barbershop. Milton’s genitals, tongue, lips, and fingers are cut off, and his body is set on fire. When the Strangers complaint that this violates the Witches’ promise not to engage in human sacrifice, Satanic High Priest Thomas Deadwood clarifies that “this is a lynching, not a sacrifice. We aren’t savages.”

August 8, 1904—The original Miller Memorial stadium collapses during an intramural football game, leading to the deaths of 12 people. Buccaneer Head Coach Franklin Whitley suggests foul play from Cramner students might be a fault, citing the presence of a pentagram and black candles under one of the bleachers.

August 9, 1997—After a life of hard living and international acclaim, local blues legend James Freeman dies in a diabetic coma. Freeman learned the blues at the Athena Oratorium in the 1940s and toured America for nearly 50 years. Rumors that he sold his soul to the devil to learn to play the guitar are shot down by Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson in the 1960s, who insists that Satan would not stoop to deal with a black man.

August 10, 1850—Inspired by P.T. Barnum, Stranger-born George Davidson puts on his own “Greatest Show on Earth.” His first act is a very old Fieldhand woman he claims was Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis’s nursemaid. The High Priest calls this a “tall tale” but says he wishes Davison the best. Oddly, immediately after his first show, Davison must quit, as he suddenly develops leprosy.

August 11, 1992—The Second Satanic Temple opens its gift shop, offering tourists the opportunity to purchase replica sacrificial knives and copies of the Bargain for the first time. Christian pastors across America claim this trivializes the fact of Satanic worship in Pandemonium. Stranger Pastor Atticus MacDonald, however, tells his colleagues that “it is impossible to further trivialize that which is already trivial.”

Here’s this week in Pandemonium: July 29-August 4

July 29, 1868—Word is received of the ratification of the fourteenth amendment, guaranteeing basic constitutional rights and equal protection to newly freed slaves and to all Americans. In Pandemonium, Fieldhands rejoice. Witches riot, leading to the deaths of 13 Fieldhands.

July 30, 1984–Daniel Abramovich, the Left-Hand killer, is arrested and charged with the first degree murder of 12 Ze’ev women. Abramovich and his associate, Harry Gravora, are the most notable serial killers in Pandemonium history. Abramovich is declared insane and confined to a local mental institution which has a secure courtyard Abramovich can spend full moons in.

July 31, 1975—After dumping an oddly shaped package off the eastern coast of the island, members of the Genovese Crime Family tour Pandemonium island. When asked what they think of little Pandemonium town, one wise guy is quoted as saying “Spooky stuff. Maybe we should have dropped Jimmy off somewhere else.”

August 1, 1981—MTV begins broadcasting. While its initial video is “Video Kills the Radio Star,” later that day, the band “Acton and the Sisters of Sin” starring future Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood, performs a music video entitled “Black Mass at the Disco.” Alas, Ravenwood and his band were not destined for stardom, as the video is pulled after Ravenwood simulates sex with his bassist on screen.

August 2, 1937—The Marihuana Act officially makes marijuana illegal in the United States, with Pandemonium Resident, Stillwell Ravenwood, being one of the first individuals arrested for being in violation of the act. Stillwell admits to growing marijuana in his backyard, stating he needed to supplement his illegal income after the repeal of Prohibition caused the price of moonshine to fall.

August 3, 1854—Cramner University wins the first boat race against Winthrop University, beginning a classic American college sports rivalry. The Winthrop team takes the initial lead, but then tragically lose their lives when whirlpool forms in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and swallows them whole. Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis is there to curse the proceedings.

August 4, 1693—Pandemonium signs “the Great Peace” with Cherokee, promising trade relations and an end to hostilities. This Great Peace ends three days later when a group of Strangers, looking for wives, raid a Cherokee village and carry away a group of maidens.

Here’s another week in Pandemonium history.

July 22, 1591—An earlier attempt at colonization on Pandemonium Island, then called Diz, is made by a breakaway group from Satanic High Priest Cramner’s coven. They disappear within a year, leaving only one survivor who returns to Europe via a Spanish trading ship, going both deaf and mute.

July 23, 1935—During the height of the Dust Bowl, temperatures in Pandemonium reach 107 degrees on a full moon. Transformed Ze’ev jump fences and cross roadways to dive into the Atlantic Ocean, hoping to get cool.

July 24, 1970—Walter Washington ascends to the position of Field Servant, head pastor of the Church of the Tobacco Fields. Washington’s controversial term as pastor sees him making contacts with groups such as the Black Panthers and the Weather Underground and ends with Washington starting his own church and ideal community. Freetown, meant to be a utopia, tragically ends in suicide of hundreds of people.

July 25, 1861—In response to the First Battle of Bull Run, the U.S. Congress passes a declaration stating that the Union was fighting the Civil War to preserve the Union, not abolish slavery. In Pandemonium, the Town Council, dominated by Witches, passes a resolution stating they were fighting for slavery, regardless of what those abolitionist Yankees were lying about this week.

July 26, 1953—South Carolina State Highway Patrolmen pull over a car suspected of carrying moonshine whiskey, only to find the trunk holds nothing but a handful of rabbits in cages. The driver is none other than Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson, transporting sacrificial victims for the weekly rituals back to Pandemonium from his hunting lodge in the hills.

July 27, 1658—Pastor of the Stranger Church, John Winthrop, visits the Iroquois while returning to Pandemonium from his theological tour of the American colonies. There he takes notes on their worship of the Great Spirit and the Good Spirit. When asked to describe his village, Winthrop explains that where he lives, half of the people worship the Good Spirit and half of the people worship the Evil Spirit. The Iroquois are skeptical anyone would worship the Evil Spirit, for fear of attracting the Flying Head.

July 28, 1784—Upon America’s victory over Britain, Pandemonium amends the Bargain to formally allow Strangers and Witches to cross the Line without fear of punishment. Previously, it had been a capital offense to be on the wrong side of the Line, though that rule had been regularly ignored, with housewives often crossing the line to borrow a cup of flour.