Jax Book Nook

Once again, I’ll be at the West Virginia Book Festival on October 19 in Booth 502. Here’s another week in Pandemonium.

August 26, 1968—The Democratic National Convention is besieged by Vietnam War Protestors. Among their number are the Pandemonium Four, who are infamously detained by local authorities for their extreme anti-war activism and public drunkenness.  

August 27, 1922—The Pandemonium Buccaneers apply to the newly established National Football League for membership. Unfortunately, their application is rejected after League officials are denied a tour of the south side of the island.  

August 28, 1963—Martin Luther King Jr. gives his “I Have a Dream” speech to 250,000 people attending the March on Washington. None other than Pandemonium residents Minerva and Daemon Davis are in attendance, though they come wearing heavy coats and thick makeup, almost as if they don’t want to be seen.

August 29, 1831—The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad’s new steam engine locomotive races a horse drawn car in Pandemonium and nearly beats it before the engine inexplicably implodes. Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis, who had $20 beat on the horse, would remark that “science has a long way to go to be good old-fashioned horsepower.”

August 30, 1804—Calvin Eastwood, an enslaved man, plans a rebellion on the south side of the Line, but is caught and beaten to death by a mob of angry Witches.  

August 31, 1886— A 7.6 magnitude earthquake strikes the state of South Carolina, leaving 100 people dead. In Pandemonium, the instability leads to the collapse of a dilapidated building owned by the Davis family, the future site of the Athena Oratorium. No evidence exists of what the previous building on the site was used for, but Grand Dame Elizabeth Davis would later claim it was a dance hall were her father, Col. Robert Davis, met her mother.

September 1, 1774—The Royal Governor of South Carolina decides to lock up Pandemonium’s supply of powder, fearing a rebellion. Redcoats sent to the island are sent back in a wheelbarrow with their heads turn completely backwards.

By the way, I will be at the West Virginia Book Festival with physical copies of Beer Run and Beer Run II on October 19, 2024. I’d love it if anyone came to buy a book or just chat. Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

August 19, 1692—Four men and one woman are executed for Witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. As the events in Salem become common knowledge in Pandemonium, John Winthrop Jr. assures the Witch community that the Strangers have no plans to enact similar measures in their commonwealth, swearing upon the Bible. Satanic High Priest Horace FitzB’lial reciprocates, casting a spell that guarantees his life would be forfeit should any curse or hex be made against the Strangers. FitzB’lial dies three days from a broken neck. No known cause is found, but his head is found completely reversed.

August 20, 1934—Pandemonium Motor Speedway opens on the mainland, as Witch speed demons now need another excuse to put their lead feet to use after the end of prohibition. The site of many great races, the tract changes its name to Pandemonium Motor Park in 1984 when it is given the opportunity to host a NASCAR race. Dale Earnhardt refused to race in a venue with the initials PMS.

August 21, 1858—The Stephen-Douglas debates begin, which bring national attention to the Republican Party and Abraham Lincoln, who eloquently argues against the expansion of slavery into the western territories. In Pandemonium, the slave owning Witches burn Lincoln in effigy, and their slaves secretly whisper about the possibilities of freedom. The Strangers whistle nervously and pray there isn’t a war.

August 22, 1965—Opening Day begins for the new single-A minor league team, the Pandemonium Sorcerers. The game ends in a dugout clearing brawl caused by an errant pitch striking Sorcerer clean-up hitter, Brian Fields, in the head. The Sorcerer’s fall short, 14-2.

August 23, 1788—Seeing the demise of the semi-state of Franklin, the Town Council agrees to table any discussion of Pandemonium declaring independence from the State of South Carolina. Prior proposals stressed the sacrifices made by Pandemonium residents in the war and the fact that Pandemonium pre-existed the state of South Carolina.

August 24, 1996—Hurricane Andolio makes landfall in Pandemonium, a Category 5 storm. Televangelist Jerry Falwell claims it is God’s judgment on a town dedicated to the enemy. A strange judgment as Witch neighborhoods survive largely unaffected, while significant damage occurs in the Fieldhand and Stranger sectors of town.

August 25, 1835—The Pandemonium Lament opens its doors. The Lament remains one of the oldest continuing newspapers in America. Alas, it’s first edition prints the Great Moon Hoax on the front page, claiming that intelligent life had been discovered on the moon.

Just a quick update: I just signed the publication contract with I Ain’t Your Marionette Press, so we’ve finished yet another step to publication. Here’s the next Week in Pandemonium History.

August 12, 1934—Alcatraz, the infamous federal penitentiary, opens 1.5 miles off San Francisco Bay. Among the first prisoners is infamous bootlegger and Cosa Nostra Associate, Frankie “Six Toes” White, a Witch from Pandemonium’s southwest side who assisted Al Capone and the Five Families with their illegal distillery operations for years.

August 13, 1991—Assistant Satanic Priest Acton Ravenwood discovers the bones of a Pterodactyl right off the eastern Coast of Pandemonium Island. Paleontologists claim these are actually the bones of local birds which flew directly into the cliff wall of the island, but Ravenwood sells the bones in the Satanic Temple gift shop as dinosaur bones anyway, getting $50 a pop.

August 14, 1973—Local businessmen attempt to organize a youth music festival on Pandemonium Island, which falls apart when one of the organizers sees the Ze’ev transform on the full moon. Locals worry about exposure, but the witness soon attributes it to a “bad trip.”

August 15, 1804—The Witches accuse the Fieldhands of conducting an arcane ceremony to gain their freedom, in imitation of the slaves of Haiti, which later turns out to be wedding. Mass hysteria turns to relief, as the populace takes comfort that only white men worship evil forces on this particular island.

August 16, 1927—The Dole Air Race begins in Oakland, California, with an intended destination in Honolulu Hawaii. Among the nine participants is Stranger John Ferguson. He is also among the seven participants who die on the way there.

August 17, 1884—Famed architect, John Jameson Jefferson, is born on the southwestern side of Pandemonium to a Fieldhand family. Jefferson moves to Chicago to escape life in the South and starts his own firm, responsible for many architectural marvels. Unfortunately, he dies young in 1924 when a servant of his sets his home on fire while he is sleeping, killing him and seven others.

August 18, 1783—A meteor approaches Pandemonium, appearing as a huge fireball. The Strangers assume it to be a wicked act by the Witches, until the fireball lands directly in Satanic High Priest Tiberius Blackthorne’s flower garden, burning it and his guest house to ashes. The Strangers reason that if the Witches conjured that spell, then they apparently aren’t good at magic.

Here’s this week in Pandemonium.

August 5, 1740—Augustus Blackthorne, inspired by the Zenger decision, challenges a libel charge against him by asserting truth as a defense. Unfortunately for Blackthorne, he was being charged for claiming that King George II was a hermaphrodite. Blackthorne’s defense fails.

August 6, 1936—Famous pop artist Liev Shapiro is born to a Ze’ev family on the Northeast side of Pandemonium. His most famous work, a series of distorted and discolored portraits of large, hairy beasts wearing human clothing, are eventually inducted into the Library of Congress.

August 7, 1899—The only confirmed lynching in Pandemonium history occurs when a mob of Witches hunt down Jeremiah Milton after he is caught kissing a white woman behind a barbershop. Milton’s genitals, tongue, lips, and fingers are cut off, and his body is set on fire. When the Strangers complaint that this violates the Witches’ promise not to engage in human sacrifice, Satanic High Priest Thomas Deadwood clarifies that “this is a lynching, not a sacrifice. We aren’t savages.”

August 8, 1904—The original Miller Memorial stadium collapses during an intramural football game, leading to the deaths of 12 people. Buccaneer Head Coach Franklin Whitley suggests foul play from Cramner students might be a fault, citing the presence of a pentagram and black candles under one of the bleachers.

August 9, 1997—After a life of hard living and international acclaim, local blues legend James Freeman dies in a diabetic coma. Freeman learned the blues at the Athena Oratorium in the 1940s and toured America for nearly 50 years. Rumors that he sold his soul to the devil to learn to play the guitar are shot down by Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson in the 1960s, who insists that Satan would not stoop to deal with a black man.

August 10, 1850—Inspired by P.T. Barnum, Stranger-born George Davidson puts on his own “Greatest Show on Earth.” His first act is a very old Fieldhand woman he claims was Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis’s nursemaid. The High Priest calls this a “tall tale” but says he wishes Davison the best. Oddly, immediately after his first show, Davison must quit, as he suddenly develops leprosy.

August 11, 1992—The Second Satanic Temple opens its gift shop, offering tourists the opportunity to purchase replica sacrificial knives and copies of the Bargain for the first time. Christian pastors across America claim this trivializes the fact of Satanic worship in Pandemonium. Stranger Pastor Atticus MacDonald, however, tells his colleagues that “it is impossible to further trivialize that which is already trivial.”

Here’s this week in Pandemonium: July 29-August 4

July 29, 1868—Word is received of the ratification of the fourteenth amendment, guaranteeing basic constitutional rights and equal protection to newly freed slaves and to all Americans. In Pandemonium, Fieldhands rejoice. Witches riot, leading to the deaths of 13 Fieldhands.

July 30, 1984–Daniel Abramovich, the Left-Hand killer, is arrested and charged with the first degree murder of 12 Ze’ev women. Abramovich and his associate, Harry Gravora, are the most notable serial killers in Pandemonium history. Abramovich is declared insane and confined to a local mental institution which has a secure courtyard Abramovich can spend full moons in.

July 31, 1975—After dumping an oddly shaped package off the eastern coast of the island, members of the Genovese Crime Family tour Pandemonium island. When asked what they think of little Pandemonium town, one wise guy is quoted as saying “Spooky stuff. Maybe we should have dropped Jimmy off somewhere else.”

August 1, 1981—MTV begins broadcasting. While its initial video is “Video Kills the Radio Star,” later that day, the band “Acton and the Sisters of Sin” starring future Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood, performs a music video entitled “Black Mass at the Disco.” Alas, Ravenwood and his band were not destined for stardom, as the video is pulled after Ravenwood simulates sex with his bassist on screen.

August 2, 1937—The Marihuana Act officially makes marijuana illegal in the United States, with Pandemonium Resident, Stillwell Ravenwood, being one of the first individuals arrested for being in violation of the act. Stillwell admits to growing marijuana in his backyard, stating he needed to supplement his illegal income after the repeal of Prohibition caused the price of moonshine to fall.

August 3, 1854—Cramner University wins the first boat race against Winthrop University, beginning a classic American college sports rivalry. The Winthrop team takes the initial lead, but then tragically lose their lives when whirlpool forms in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and swallows them whole. Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis is there to curse the proceedings.

August 4, 1693—Pandemonium signs “the Great Peace” with Cherokee, promising trade relations and an end to hostilities. This Great Peace ends three days later when a group of Strangers, looking for wives, raid a Cherokee village and carry away a group of maidens.

Here’s another week in Pandemonium history.

July 22, 1591—An earlier attempt at colonization on Pandemonium Island, then called Diz, is made by a breakaway group from Satanic High Priest Cramner’s coven. They disappear within a year, leaving only one survivor who returns to Europe via a Spanish trading ship, going both deaf and mute.

July 23, 1935—During the height of the Dust Bowl, temperatures in Pandemonium reach 107 degrees on a full moon. Transformed Ze’ev jump fences and cross roadways to dive into the Atlantic Ocean, hoping to get cool.

July 24, 1970—Walter Washington ascends to the position of Field Servant, head pastor of the Church of the Tobacco Fields. Washington’s controversial term as pastor sees him making contacts with groups such as the Black Panthers and the Weather Underground and ends with Washington starting his own church and ideal community. Freetown, meant to be a utopia, tragically ends in suicide of hundreds of people.

July 25, 1861—In response to the First Battle of Bull Run, the U.S. Congress passes a declaration stating that the Union was fighting the Civil War to preserve the Union, not abolish slavery. In Pandemonium, the Town Council, dominated by Witches, passes a resolution stating they were fighting for slavery, regardless of what those abolitionist Yankees were lying about this week.

July 26, 1953—South Carolina State Highway Patrolmen pull over a car suspected of carrying moonshine whiskey, only to find the trunk holds nothing but a handful of rabbits in cages. The driver is none other than Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson, transporting sacrificial victims for the weekly rituals back to Pandemonium from his hunting lodge in the hills.

July 27, 1658—Pastor of the Stranger Church, John Winthrop, visits the Iroquois while returning to Pandemonium from his theological tour of the American colonies. There he takes notes on their worship of the Great Spirit and the Good Spirit. When asked to describe his village, Winthrop explains that where he lives, half of the people worship the Good Spirit and half of the people worship the Evil Spirit. The Iroquois are skeptical anyone would worship the Evil Spirit, for fear of attracting the Flying Head.

July 28, 1784—Upon America’s victory over Britain, Pandemonium amends the Bargain to formally allow Strangers and Witches to cross the Line without fear of punishment. Previously, it had been a capital offense to be on the wrong side of the Line, though that rule had been regularly ignored, with housewives often crossing the line to borrow a cup of flour.

Here’s this Week in Pandemonium for July 15 to 21.

July 15, 1806-The Pike Expedition begins from Fort Bellafontaine. Traveling with Zebulon Pike is James Winthrop, Stranger and Pandemonium native. Alas, he dies three days later, bitten by rattlesnakes in a ravine he fell into after being chased by a pack of wolves. Satanic High Priest Augustus Sumerstone brings the Satanic Temple’s spell book to a town meeting to prove the Witch community has no curse that could do such a thing.

July 16, 1780—Stranger Loyalist militiamen are ambushed during the Revolutionary War by Witch Patriot militiamen. The Witches find the Loyalist militia has black members, and upon orders of Governor John Rutledge, proceeds to execute them, earning praise from Francis Marion and condemnation from historians forever after.

July 17, 1960—After the Witches reveal themselves to the nation, Satanic High Priest Blaise Jackson attempts to use their newfound notoriety to attract tourism, opening PandemoniumLand, a family themed amusement park, modeled on Walt Disney’s California creation. It is burned down on opening day by an angry mob.

July 18, 1986—Future Hollywood Starlet Haley Fairwell is born on the North side of the Line to a Stranger family. A staple in romantic comedies like The Horrible Truth and Whatever it Takes, Fairwell is known equally well for her high-profile divorce from Timothy Stark. Released transcripts from the trial include testimony that Fairwell cooked Stark’s dog alive after discovering an affair.

July 19, 1848—Witch and Pandemonium resident Hecate Blackwood attends the Seneca Falls Convention for women’s suffrage. Upon hearing the idea of Women’s Suffrage, Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis curses Blackwood in the square. Several states away in upstate New York, Hecate suffers from sudden aphasia during a scheduled speech.

July 20, 1970—James Langford, a Fieldhand from the Southwest side of town, releases his only hit single through Motown Records: a cover of “That Old Black Magic.” While Langford never achieves lasting fame in the music industry, he remains a valued member of the community until his death in 2014.

July 21, 1929—Unionized millworkers are attacked by police on the Northeastern sector. This turns disastrous as the sunsets, and a full moon turns the striking workers into very aggrieved beasts with a taste for management flesh.

After my interview with Lester Yazstrimski, I am now back to our ongoing series to promote my new novel coming out: Christmas in Pandemonium.

July 8, 1950–The landing at Inchon, South Korea, begins America’s involvement in the Korean War. Present is Michael Greenblatt, brother of World War II veteran and Medal of Honor Recipient Bunim Greenblatt. Michael finds his glory not in the battlefield but in the mess hall as he arrives as an army cook. Well-liked by the troops, Michael is known to find odd bits of wild game to the put in the stew.

July 9, 1757–Jonathon Edwards visits the Stranger Church and recites his great sermon “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” during the First Great Awakening. As he leaves town, Edwards is met by a man who offers him an apple, which he takes. Within a year, Edwards dies after attempting to inoculate himself from smallpox.

July 10, 1776–The Declaration of Independence is read in Pandemonium City Hall, accompanied by cheering on the part of the Witch delegation and boos from the Stranger side. Strangers would be active in loyalist militias throughout the war.

July 11, 1807–To settle a dispute between them, the Stranger mayor of Pandemonium, David Parker, and his Witch counterpart, Groton Harris, engage in a duel outside of town. Both men initially intend to merely shoot into the air, but things turn south when Parker sees Harris bring his younger brother, Mordred, along as a second and shoots the lesser Harris directly in the chest. Apparently, Mordred had slept with Parker’s sister a month before.

July 12, 1976–Riots break out in the southwest sector of town after a white police officer shoots a 15-year-old Fieldhand boy, mistakenly thinking he was holding a knife that turns out to be a pencil. An investigation of the crime scene discovers a strange note purportedly signed by Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis, known to be deceased for 119 years.

July 13, 1864–Another set of riots, this time by Strangers in response to a proposed draft by the Confederate Army as the Civil War grows desperate. This uprising is put down by Pandemonium’s own Col. Robert Davis, in what is afterwards called a massacre by Strangers.

July 14, 1907–The Great Fire of Pandemonium occurs when a factory on the southwestern side of the island explodes due to overheated machinery. Still, when facing the possibility of passing rules and regulations to prevent future incidents, Pandemonium residents prefer to blame, Dobah Meir, a Ze’ev woman on the other side of town, for accidentally kicking lamp.

Happy 4th of July everyone! We’re taking a break from “A Week in Pandemonium” in order to speak with a presidential candidate who’s getting a lot of attention after last week’s debate. I’m here with Lester Yazstrimski who has thrown his hat into the ring. Introduce yourself, Mr. Yazstrimski!

Lester: Please call me Lester. Everyone does. Mr. Yazstrimski is my father.

Me: Ah! It’s just that you appear to be in your mid-40s, so I didn’t think you would mind. You also decided to come to this interview wearing sweatpants and a wife-beater t-shirt.

Lester: Yeah, it’s kind of my schtick. Like, I’m a regular guy.

Me: Huh. Well, tell me about yourself, Lester.

Lester: I am 43 years old. I live in Little Rock, Arkansas. I’ve never been convicted of a felony, and I’m mentally competent. I’m willing to take any cognitive test you feel is necessary to prove that last part. I’ve never had a part of my brain eaten by a parasite or tried to overthrow the government by force. I’ve never said anything nice about any third world dictator, or asked them to release dirt on my opponents. I would like to be President.

Me: What do you currently do for a living?

Lester: I’m in between opportunities. Hopefully, this time next year I’ll be President and they get paid like $400k. That and you get a free house to live in so I can move out of my mother’s basement.

Me: You’re unemployed and living with your parents at the age of 43?

Lester: Yeah, I’ve had a slow start in life, but the advantage of that is that you don’t have to worry about the president having any kids who are public embarrassments if the President is a 300-pound, unemployed incel. My kid can’t be addicted to crack or meeting with Russian spies if I’ve never had sex, right?

Me: Supposedly if you got elected President you could get a date.

Lester: That’s what I’m hoping. Fingers crossed.

Me: Look, I find it strange that the most you can say for yourself is that you have never been convicted of a crime.

Lester: A felony. Never been convicted of a felony. Like, if you check my record, you’ll see that one time I punched a cop, but we pled it down to a misdemeanor cause it was my first offense and I was having a panic attack.

Me: Let’s move onto the issues. First, the economy. What’s your plan?

Lester: First, I’m going to get a job, hopefully as President, though a spot just opened up at Pizza Hut for a delivery driver. Mostly, I was thinking steady as she goes.

Me: You mean you don’t plan to change anything?

Lester: No, unemployment’s low and inflation’s getting better. Probably better to kick back and just collect the check.

Me: What about foreign policy? What about Ukraine? Or Gaza?

Lester: You just used a few words I didn’t recognize. Those are probably weird places on a map that I don’t know anything about, so I would probably just have the military tell me whether to send money or bombs to wherever it is you were talking about.

Me: What about social issues?

Lester: Oh, I love the blacks and the gays, as long as they don’t do it in the park. I mean the border is like, screwed up though.

Me: What would you do about it?

Lester: Nuke it.

Me: Nuke our own border.

Lester: Gotta nuke something.

Me: Lester, I’m beginning to think you aren’t really qualified to be president and you don’t know anything about the relevant issues. You seem to just want to be president because you can’t find any other work. This is the most important job in the world with the most power and responsibility any human being has ever had. Why would anyone vote for you?

Lester: I promise that most days you won’t have to think of me. Things will be so boring, you won’t even remember you have a president, or a government for that matter. I just need a place to crash and a steady paycheck.

Me: I can’t believe this. I was told that your campaign was picking up momentum across America.

Lester: It is. We raised $2,000,000 in donations since the last debate. The last Ipsos poll has me at 20%. Take a look.

(Lester hands me a printout of a poll, which confirms what he just said.)

Me: I am sad now.

Lester: I can cheer you up. Let me introduce you to my VP pick.

(Lester leaves the room and brings back a chimpanzee dressed in a miniature suit)

Lester: Meet Mr. Nanners. Yeah, he’s an ape, but people tell me it doesn’t really matter who the vice-president unless you die. My doctor tells me that I should at least live to be 60.

Me: Well, that’s reassuring. Any parting words?

Lester: Yeah, could you tell your readers to send any donations directly to my student loan broker. I’ve nearly got it paid off. Just one more debate like that, and I’m made.

Me: I guess Biden succeeded at paying off somebody’s student loans.

Another Week in Pandemonium coming your way: June 24-30

June 24, 1947-Local resident Schlumiel Berkowitz spots a UFO just off the eastern coast of Pandemonium Island. His claims are quickly rebutted with the common phrase “There goes Schlumiel again.”

June 25, 1913—Both Stranger and Witch veterans of the Civil War attend the Great Reunion of 1913. Their visit is cut short, as Pandemonium’s delegation devolves into a fist fight that has to be broken up by local authorities.

June 26, 2001—Satanic High Priest Acton Ravenwood attempts to sue J. K. Rowling for plagiarism, claiming the magic in her books is based directly on the rites of the Satanic Temple. Ravenwood is laughed out of court when he cites The Onion as a source.

June 27, 1760—During the French and Indian War, a joint party of Strangers and Witches patrol Cherokee territory as part of the local militia. They are subsequently discovered, ambushed and massacred when two members of the patrol loudly argue over a flask of gin and a piece of salted pork.

June 28, 1870—The U.S. Congress establishes the first four federal holidays: New Years Day, July 4^th, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Pandemonium residents start a letter writing campaign to request a special act of Congress to close the local post office on the Winter Solstice as well.

June 29, 1797—Satanic High Priest Beauregard Davis is born, coinciding with a solar eclipse.

June 30, 1688—James II sends a military commander, Jonathon Standish, to Pandemonium in order to bring order to the wayward colony. Alas, the king is overthrown soon thereafter, leading to Standish being boiled alive in town square.